The Boys' Growing Up in the Lord

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Question

I had sex with a girl very close to me. She fell in love with me and started talking about sex. She said she had done foreplay so many times with other guys but never had sex. Now that I have done it, my fear is that I might find myself doing it over again. She may choose to blackmail me. I cannot afford this secret getting out because my parents could disown me, and my country that may be the end of me. What can I do, if she decides to blackmail me? I come from a very good Christian home but have the habit of watching pornography believing that by watching it I decrease my chances of fornicating. Right now my only problem is will God ever forgive me, and do I still have a chance of going to heaven? I wonder because I was conscious of what I was doing. I knew it was sinful, but I just couldn't help it. Lately I feel I am drawing away from God, but I can't do anything about it. I worship Him, I listen to gospel music most of the time, talk about Him sometimes to my friends, and asking them to change while my own backyard is on fire.  Please help me.

Answer

While you technically know you did wrong, it is clear that you have many incorrect ideas that lead to your sin. So let's talk about how you were deceived.

You come from a Christian home and you practice the Christian form of worship, but neither of these of stopped you from having sex with a girl when you were not married. Upbringing, being in church, or listening gospel music is not going to prevent sin by themselves. You have to first be Christian from the heart, not just in outward form.

You violated God's teaching when you started watching pornography. "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God" (I Thessalonians 4:3-5). Pornography is "passion of lust;" it is the pursuit of sexual lust. By your use of it you filled your mind with images of having sex with a variety of women, none of whom you would would ever marry. As your mind looked, your body followed. "For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lewdness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within and defile a man" (Mark 7:21-23). You claim that you did this to decrease your chance of fornicating, but you lied to yourself. You were teaching yourself that fornicating was acceptable.

There are a number of excuses that you offered for your misbehavior. You say that the girl loves you, but I notice that you do not claim to love the girl, so I am certain that your feelings for her are much less that what you think her feelings are for you. Now think what that says about your character. You are willing to use a girl for your own personal pleasure even though you are not committed to her. Neither one of you are in love because love "does not rejoice in iniquity" (I Corinthians 13:6). Love is no excuse for getting naked with a girl.

This girl told you that she had been violating God's law. "It is good for a man not to touch a woman" (I Corinthians 7:1). Paul is talking about sexual touching and you make it clear that she also encouraged you to touch her sexually while she also touched you. In addition, she started talking about having sex with you. "But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints" (Ephesians 5:3). Instead of running like Joseph, you followed her lead like the foolish young man in Proverbs 7. "With her enticing speech she caused him to yield, with her flattering lips she seduced him. Immediately he went after her, as an ox goes to the slaughter, or as a fool to the correction of the stocks, till an arrow struck his liver. As a bird hastens to the snare, he did not know it would cost his life" (Proverbs 7:21-23).

Given all of this, I doubt she told you the truth that she was truly inexperienced at sex. But here again, this is another strike against your character. You were willing to take away a girl's claimed virginity for your own pleasure.

Now that you have put your penis where it did not belong, you want to say that you could not help yourself. That is a huge lie. All along this road you had many choices to not continue, but you were too wrapped up in the chance to have sex to bother thinking. She encouraged you, but no one forced you. You did this willingly. "Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body" (I Corinthians 6:18).

I know I'm coming down hard on you, but the fact is that you have to fully accept that you are responsible for your sins. You can't blame anyone else. You can't put the blame anywhere else. If you are willing to accept responsibility and be a man about facing the results of what you did, then we can talk about controlling the damage that you did.

I'll assume that you really are a Christian, and not just claiming it. (See: How to Become a Christian.) You've sinned, so you need to take this matter up with God. "If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (I John 1:8-9). Just because you've sinned, it doesn't mean that God doesn't want you back. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God" (I Corinthians 6:9-11). God is trying to save you from sin. He doesn't want to be forced to condemn you because you refuse to leave sin. So you need to repent of your sin.

Second, drop this girl immediately. She is no good for you.

Third, I want you to go and get yourself check for sexually transmitted diseases. You are better off being safe than sorry later.

The fact that you fear her blackmailing you tells me that you know she has no fears about her own personal reputation. That is another reason I suspect that she is experienced at sex. But the simple fact is that she can't blackmail you if you accept that you are responsible for what you did. If your parents disown you, that is a consequence of your choice to take off your pants. Whether they learn about your sin or not doesn't change your responsibility for your action. So if this girl threatens to tell your parents, then just say "That is your choice, not mine." If your parents ask you, then be honest with them and tell them that you sinned and that you deeply regret what you did. Your willingness to face the consequences of your sin takes away all her power.

Will you do it again? I hope not, but if you don't face the facts about why it happened, then those reasons remain uncorrected and you'll convince yourself that you can't keep your clothes on. And that will be very disappointing.