The Boys' Growing Up in the Lord

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We were talking a couple months ago about my struggle with porn. I am emailing you right now because my problem is starting up again.


I'm glad you wrote. So what triggered the problem again?

I am not sure what caused the problem again. I was fine for a while than all of a sudden the urge just hit me like a train.

Typically there are two problems. One is that we all are creatures of habits and when certain events happen, we do what is familiar. For example, a trigger might having nothing else to do, a guy might use pornography to have something to do. Another guy might associate it as a stress relief. Still another as a pickup when feeling down.

The second is that the male body is designed to have periodic ejaculations. Sometimes ejaculations are put off, but then sexual desire rises. It can be ignored for a while, but eventually the demand can't be ignored. It is like eating; you can delay for a while, but eventually your instincts are going to take over and you have to eat. If you have an ingrained habit of using pornography to ejaculate, then your instincts are going to use what it sees as the quickest route to relief.

Without some ideas what is going on with you, it is hard to suggest better alternatives.

I think that the second reason fits more with me. I was able to stop all of this for about a month and then the urge just hit me really hard. It might have to do with things like depression and stress as well, but I don't know for sure. Knowing this, is there any suggestions that you could give me to help?

Pornography gives the appearance of stress relief because of orgasm. To gain orgasm your body gets really tense, and the sudden relaxation after ejaculating makes you feel relaxed. That same process gives a "pick up" in your mood which helps with the depression. But the problem is that for both it is way too short of a relief.

I assume you are having regular ejaculations without the pornography, so let's focus on better ways to handle stress and depression. A better way is to exercise. I assume it is winter time where you are. It gets colder, people stay indoors more, and since the days are shorter the world is a bit dimmer. That leads to feeling depressed and doesn't give a good release to stress.

So instead of letting things build up, find something active to do. If it can get you outside in the sun for a while each day, even better.

If it hits you again, which is likely, here is what I want you to plan on doing: Put on a loose pair of shorts and start doing calisthenics: crunches, push-ups, jumping jacks, etc. Work up a good sweat and get breathing hard. Then take a hot shower and if the urge is still there, relieve yourself in the shower where you can't get to any pornography. By the time you do all of this the train will have moved on.

I appreciate the ideas, the only problem is that I am too physically exhausted to do this. Even during winter break, I am involved in sports daily. This makes the option to exercise when the urge hits not that possible. Do you have any other ideas?

The problem is that there are going to be times when your seminal vesicles are going to get full even if you have regular ejaculations. Am I correct in guessing that you have been trying to solve your pornography problem by avoiding masturbation? If that is so, then as the semen builds up you are going to get edgy from the increases sexual tension, which in turn will ruin your mood. Eventually your body is going to demand release and instinct will take over.

Rather than avoiding ejaculation completely, which isn't possible, what you need to do is establish a different set of habits. So let's approach the problem in this manner. I'll give you two options:

1) Make a rule for yourself that you can only masturbate while showering. This will give you the privacy you need and make it impractical to view pornography. It is more likely to succeed because you aren't telling yourself no, only that you can't do it elsewhere. Once you've ejaculated, the train will have moved on, and you'll be able to think straight and resist the desire to look at pornography.

Some guys rather not masturbate at all because they don't like struggling against lustful thoughts during the process. Also, if you are not in a place where you can shower privately, you don't have an outlet.

2) You get rid of the sources of pornography from your bedroom. If you have a computer, it stays in a family area. If you are using a smartphone, you put the charger in the family area and charge your phone on nights when you feel the train coming.

I assume you normally wear something to sleep in. This technique works through contrast. When you feel the urge for sex building strong, sleep in the nude that night. This change in habit almost always triggers a wet dream, though be aware that you might become semi-awake when it happens. It's messy, which means you'll need to wash your sheets in the morning.

Again, what you are doing is not telling yourself no ejaculations, but limiting them to only at night in your bed without pornography. The big difficulty here is that it is very easy to compromise with yourself and give in to looking at pornography. Another problem is that wet dreams don't always decrease the reserved semen enough and you might find yourself needing to ejaculate often. Too often and the contrast between normal sleepwear and sleeping in the nude is no longer there.