I have read through several articles on the topic regarding homosexuality and fetishes. I must admit that I am seriously struggling with these sins. I am also a 150% sure that these sins displease God, yet it is really difficult to overcome.
When I first came to Christ about several years ago, I knew that God can deliver me, and yes He can! But it seems that I am sinking deeper into these struggles as the years pass by.
It is really a torment to me, eating me up slowly, as thoughts keep building up in me, yet I cannot resist the urge to fulfill my foot fetish. I like guy feet. At first it was just the smell, but things have changed. I even get them to trample on me. I feel aroused and orgasm when they step on me. Not only did I pay guys to step on me but at times I even tricked guys to trample me and make them treat it as a game. Yet, I feel horrible, and I know I shouldn't be doing this.
Because of all these urges, and not getting aroused by female feet, I always thought that I am a homosexual. But deep within me, I know I like girls and I detest the thoughts of having sexual intercourse with guys. Sometimes I felt very confused. It might be part of my character or personality, but I realize that sometimes I am behaving in a feminine way too. I don't really like it, and I hope to change, but it seems all so hard too! If I don't do something quick, I am afraid I might "enjoy" all this in a deeper measure.
I dare not tell these to people as they are not able to help me but only have a negative viewpoint on me. I really want to get rid of all this because I want a good relationship with God and be who He destined me to be. Please teach me how.
Thank you so much!
Over the years I've realized that a number of problems young men have with sexual temptation stem from not understanding how the male body works in regards to sexual desire. For men, sexual desire has a physical component -- unlike women where it is emotionally based.
Your body has two seminal vesicles, which are located just below and behind the bladder. These vesicles constantly produce semen and eventually they get full. How fast they fill depends on the person, but for young men it is frequently about twice a week. If you try to not ejaculate, you feel the fullness of the seminal vesicles as a desire to ejaculate. As they get full, your body gets more sensitive to sexual touch. Your mind also tends to move to sexual ideas and this is where you start feeling like you are going crazy.
The design of the male body is to get rid of older semen to make room for fresh material. To get rid of the excess, you actually have to ejaculate.
The problem becomes the same as other bodily functions, such as urinating. Your body constantly produces urine to get rid of wastes which are stored in your bladder. As the bladder gets full, you get a feeling that you need to pee. You could ignore the discomfort of your bladder becoming full, but eventually the body will take over and empty your bladder whether you are ready for it to do so or not. To avoid the embarrassment and the mess, we time our trips to the restroom to keep the bladder from getting too full.
Unlike urinating, you can't just stand there and decide I'm going to ejaculate now. Even if you had an erection at the time, thought alone cannot produce an ejaculation. God did not make your body to work in that way. In order to achieve an ejaculation, a series of events must take place in your body in the proper order. Arousal (having an erection) is the beginning of it. Sexual thoughts interact with it, but a key factor is stimulation of certain key areas of the body through touch. The genitals is, of course, the primary key area that when touched in certain ways will cause the body to respond sexually and will eventually produce an ejaculation.
My guess is that you don't have many wet dreams and that you try hard to avoid masturbation because you assume you have to look at pornography or think lustful thoughts in order to reach orgasm. Yet, the male body needs to ejaculate to get rid of excess semen. In the end something gives. This is when you feel like you've lost control and you can't resist. What happens depends on what you've trained yourself as being the easiest way to get to orgasm and ejaculation. For a lot of guys it is looking at pornography. But some take odd twists and develop fetishes.
People don't realize the power of orgasm on the mind. When we experience them, the things that lead up to them get locked into the mind and very quickly develop strong habits. I suspect that if we sat down in talked about your early years after reaching puberty, you somehow connected the smell of feet with orgasm. You've been re-enforcing it over the years by focusing on it and indulging in using feet to reach orgasm. So the smell triggers your sexual memories and the action of feet walking on you provides the needed touch to achieve ejaculation. It has nothing to do with being homosexual. It is merely the things you've associated with orgasm in your mind.
Rather than waiting until you get uncontrollable urges, I would like you to head off the problem. When you feel the sexual urge rising in your body, I want you to go take a shower and while there masturbate. Treat it as just another bodily function that needs to be taken care of. At first, controlling your thoughts will be difficult, but eventually you can teach yourself to ejaculate without thinking of anything in particular. The shower gives you a private place to take care of that function. It keeps you from accessing other "props" to encourage orgasm. Clean up is easy. And it becomes a fixed place where you give yourself legitimacy to take care of this need. Once you ejaculate, you'll find the urge disappears and you can control yourself again. Because of this you can refrain from your fetish. Or time it will fade into a distant memory.
I would really like to thank you for taking such effort to explain to me. Thank you so much! Now that I know the truth, I will choose to rid my fetish and carry myself as a holy vessel to God. I pray that God will bless your ministry, and He will be glorified in what you do! Thank you!