The Boys' Growing Up in the Lord

Share this page with your friends

Bookmark and Share

Question

Hi!

I'm a 21 year old male with a foot tickling fetish. My girlfriend and I have been together for more than three years now, and we are very happy. We used to masturbate each other in person or sometimes, over Skype. We never had any intercourse yet, and I have no plans of destroying her virginity until the day we get married.

Now, I have read lots of things in your web site, and you have opened my eyes. I told my girlfriend that we have to stop doing sexual things and just do them again after we get married because we are committing fornication. We didn't know that what we were doing was bad, and I thank you so much for opening my eyes. She agreed with me. We are both very religious; that is why we stopped and promised to just do it again after our marriage.

My problem is the temptation of watching feet tickling videos and porn. Are feet tickling videos pornography? This is the thing that we are, most of the time, fighting about. Before, when we were still sexually active, she always told me that it hurts her because I'm looking at another woman's feet and body when she always allowed me to touch her whole body. Now, since we have stopped engaging in sexual activities, she tells me that it is really bad to look at another woman lustfully because the Bible says that it is adultery. I know this so well because I have read lots of passages in the Bible.

The problem is that it is really strong. No matter how I tell myself that I am stronger than this, I still end up being tempted. I asked my girlfriend to meet my needs halfway and to give me a schedule when i could watch those kinds of things so that I won't end up lying to her because I feel that if she will force me to stop it totally, time will come that I will be tempted to lie to her. She didn't agree and she is always protecting her stand about it -- that it is really bad and it hurts her. Whenever we fight, I always end up promising to her that I will never do it again and after a couple of weeks or months, the temptation comes back and it drives me crazy. Sometimes it's really hard to sleep at night because  the thought of watching women being tickled on their feet, masturbating over them and my erection won't go away. Sometimes, I dream about it and when I wake up, my erection is there again to tempt me to masturbate. It's really hard. I always tell myself that it is bad to look at another woman lustfully, God will protect me from these temptations and He will never leave me.

Please help me. I want to go to Heaven with my girlfriend when we leave Earth, and I want to be with our Father. I love Him so much and there's no reason to commit sin because our Father loves us so much, and He gives us everything that we need.

Thank you so much and may God bless us all always. 


Answer

I'm glad that you've stopped your sinning and made improvements in your life. However, like many people you went to an extreme position in trying to avoid sin. You stopped being sexual with your girlfriend, which is right, but you did so by trying to stop ejaculating completely, which puts you into a battle with your body. See "I stopped masturbating, but it is such a struggle. I feel like I'm dying inside."

Ejaculating, by itself, is neither right nor wrong. It is what you do to cause an ejaculation that determines whether the situation is right or wrong. Masturbating, by itself, is neither right nor wrong. See: I'm still confused about masturbation. Is it right or wrong? Masturbating is merely the method most guys use to take care of their body's need to empty the seminal vesicles so there is room to produce fresh semen. Some guys also masturbate in their sleep, which is called a wet dream.

The problem that you have is that you've trained yourself to masturbate to pornography and tickling girls' feet. You keep yourself from masturbating and wet dreams through conscious effort, but you can't stop your body from continuing to produce semen. It is very similar to a guy deciding he is too busy to run to the rest room at the moment. The feeling that he needs to pee builds as the bladder gets full to the point that it keeps interrupting his thoughts. If he ignores it long enough, it will come out whether he is ready or not. The body does the same thing with semen, but it is a slower build-up and the feeling is a desire for sex (or orgasm in particular). You ignore it for so long that eventually the body takes over in desperation to get an ejaculation. In that desperation, it latches onto what it knows to be the quickest way to orgasm, which in your case is looking at or thinking about tickling girls' feet.

Basically, you keep holding off until you lose control of yourself. You then take that lose of self-control as evidence that you are weak and need to stop ejaculating. The result is a vicious cycle where you continually feel like a loser and you are constantly battling temptation, not only to look at pornography, but also going back to your old habits of sinning with your girlfriend.

The solution is simple. You visit the rest room regularly so that you don't wet your pants. You recognize the indications that your bladder is getting full and you do something about it as soon as you can. In the same way, you need to start paying attention to your body's signals that your seminal vesicles are getting full and that you need to have an ejaculation.

Instead of telling yourself you are never going to ejaculate, you accept the fact that it is just a fact of life for males because this is how God made your body. When the desire for sex gets strong and sexual thoughts start intruding, go take a shower and masturbate while you are in there. I suggest the shower because it is a private place where people aren't going to walk in on you. Also water is going to keep you from looking at pornography at that moment. Controlling your thoughts is going to be a bit more of a problem, but if you wait until the need to ejaculate is strong, it won't take long to trigger an ejaculation. If it is taking long and your mind is straying off into forbidden areas, simply stop and try again another day when the urge is stronger. What you will find is that in a few months you will have more self-control, not only over your body but also over your thoughts. You will also find that urge to look at pornography or to indulge your fetish will dramatically decrease because your body has an outlet for its needs.

Hello,

Actually, I frequently masturbate. Honestly, sometimes I do it 3 to 5 times a day. Is it wrong to masturbate often? What about using a vibrating massager or the water from the shower to tickle my genitals and reach orgasm quickly? Is it wrong? How do I know that it is the right time to masturbate?

I'm really scared because I gave in to the temptation of pornography again last night. My girlfriend is mad again. I'm scared that I'll lose her because the last time we fought, she said that she'll give me one last chance to prove myself, and if I fail, she'll leave me because she doesn't want to marry a pervert. She also tells me that I'm a hypocrite because I teach her the things in the Bible and I tell her the things that your web site has. I mean, she calls me a hypocrite because I teach her the things in the Bible, and I tell her the things that your web site has and still I look at porn and do bad things. She is very religious, and she is also very happy that I have found your web site, but she is really mad at me right now because I gave in again. I know sometimes Christians fail but how do I become stronger? I need to be stronger because I want to glorify God and I love my girlfriend so much. I don't want to hurt her anymore. We are so in love with each other, and I don't want to ruin this relationship with this weakness. We already have plans of being married after seven years, but if I'm going to continue to be like this, I know that she'll eventually leave me. I'm so scared.

I'm sorry if I'm asking too much. I hope that I'm not being a disturbance to you. Thank you so much and God bless you

OK, I'll have to adjust what I said. I assumed you had one problem, instead what you tell me now.

The problem is that you are hooked on having orgasms. Masturbating that often is typically a sign that you are doing it for the pleasure and not for the actual need. The fact that you use artificial means for physical stimulation and pornography for mental stimulation tells me that you doing this far more often than your body needs.

I don't think "hypocrite" is the right word for the situation. A hypocrite is someone who does one thing while pretending to be something else. There doesn't seem to be a pretense with you. I do realize that your girlfriend doesn't understand because she doesn't have a body that needs to ejaculate. But she is right that you have a problem. No girl wants to marry a guy who can't control himself.

It still comes down to the fact that you aren't learning self-control. So let's focus on disciplining yourself. "But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love" (II Peter 1:5-7).

First rule from here on out: No vibrators and no pornography. If you can't reach ejaculation, then you are not waiting long enough. Don't try to force it to happen.

Second rule: You only allow yourself one place to ejaculate. I suggest the shower because you can't look at pornography there. When you think you need to ejaculate, you need to go to that place to do it without getting yourself psyched up with lustful thoughts or pornography in advance.

What I want you to do this week is just focus on not using anything to force an ejaculation. Next week, I want you to cut out one ejaculation per day. Each week, cut out one more until you get down to only doing it once a day. When you get to that level, continue for about a month to get use to the feelings.

After that, I want you to skip a day once a week for another month. When you are comfortable with that, skip two days in a week, but not in a row. What I want you to work toward is getting to the point that you only need to ejaculate every other day. In this way you will start managing your body and your feelings instead of letting your body and feelings drive you. You'll soon find that controlling yourself in this area will also benefit you in other areas of your life as well.

Thank you so much. This will be a great help for me. Thanks you so much! I will always remember this day and treasure it forever, even after death. I hope my girlfriend forgives me again. God bless you, Mr. Jeffrey!