The Boys' Growing Up in the Lord

Share this page with your friends

Bookmark and Share

Question

Hi,

I am really in need for some spiritual advice and I do need your help if you can. I am a 22 year old young man who loves the Lord dearly and and desires to grow more in Him day-to-day. I am a youth leader in my church and am a part of some core groups in my local church. I am also studying to be a powerful minister some day but there is one thing hindering me and I just do not know what else to do. 

I can't stop watching and masturbating to gay pornography. I know it is wrong, I know that it is not right in the sight of God, but every time I try to stop or say I am going to stop, I can't, I do it again. After I am finished watching and masturbating to it I feel guilty and I know that this is the Holy Spirit convicting me of it.

I have prayed about it and prayed about it, but I just can't stop. The fact of the matter is, if I see a gay couple in real life, it disgust me, but when I see it on the net, it turns me on. I am not attracted to the man himself; instead, I am attracted to his penis and his muscular physique. You see, I am fat and do not have a big penis, and at times I wish I did. I have never had a girlfriend in my life, and I desire that to happen so much and I guess it's because of my physical size why this is so. 

Anyway, I often fantasize about being slim, muscular and having a huge penis and those are the things I masturbate to when I watch gay porn. Please advise me on what to do because I am not going to let the devil take over my life. I love the Lord too much, and I want to empty self completely so I can be broken in his presence, but this hinders me. Advise me please. 


Answer

There are two things interacting with each other. If you can separate the issues in your head, you'll find it easier to solve your problem. What I suspect you are doing is the same thing most young men do when trying to gain self-control over their bodies -- you try to "solve" your pornography problem by not ejaculating. The problem is that the male body needs to ejaculate periodically to get rid of older semen. It is very much like a person deciding to solve a gluttony problem by not eating. He can do it for a while, but eventually he is got to eat again and likely he will over eat because he starved himself for so long.

Over the years you've made it a habit to masturbate to images of muscular guys who have large penises. Whenever your body desires to ejaculate, there is strong urge to return to what you are familiar with to trigger an ejaculation. So, what we will do is separate the two issues.

First, understand that men need to ejaculate. It can come in the form of wet dreams, masturbation, or sex. Sex is out of the equation until after you get married. Not every guy has wet dreams and you are currently used to masturbation. Therefore, the rule is that you give yourself permission to masturbate, but only in one place. This then begins your training for self-control. What I strongly recommend doing is only masturbating in the shower since you can't access pornography there. The battle then becomes one of controlling your thoughts while masturbating, but at the moment at least you are no longer adding new material.

For the actual pornography, put a block on your computer and phone. This won't stop you from getting to the pornography, but it will make you think about what you are doing because you will have to remove the blocks to get there. What I recommend is K9 Web Protection, which is free. Make the password hard to remember and then put the only written copy where it is very hard to get a hold of. If you are tempted to remove the block, then realize that you haven't been ejaculating enough. Instead of removing the block, go relieve yourself. When you are done, you'll discover that the desire is gone.

Next comes the battle for your thoughts. Start this battle once you are fairly certain you have control over the physical aspects of your masturbation. To battle your thoughts, if you find yourself slipping into forbidden territory while masturbating, simply stop, and wait until later or the next day. The desire to ejaculate will get stronger, but at the same time when you do masturbate it won't take much to trigger an ejaculation. You want to get to the point that ejaculating is much like using the toilet. It is just a thing that needs to be done periodically to maintain your body.

Eventually you will find a rhythm and frequency that will let you keep control of your body and thoughts. That frequency will change as you get older, but will never completely go away.

Now, one last thing, if you are overweight, do something about it. Not to get a chiseled body look, but for your health. It is just another extension of developing self-control, only this time over the amount you eat.

Thank you for your reply. But I just want to clear up something a minute: under what conditions is masturbation wrong, because you are saying to me that it is indeed OK to do it periodically which I was thought otherwise, that it is indeed a sin. So right now I am a bit confused, because I do not want to do it and be in the wrong with God. 

But what you have said about blocking pornography sites, I know that will work because there was a time when I had not the Internet and I only masturbated when I felt a strong build up. But still after I masturbated I felt a bit uncomfortable, like I have done something wrong. Please help me to clarify if it is a sin or not and on what grounds would it be classified to be a sin if such is applicable. 

Regarding my weight, I really don't know what else to do. I really want to lose it, but going on a diet to reduce my weight is expensive and my family is not wealthy. We hardly make it through and thank God for is life-long provision to us. Things are really expensive here, it is not like the U.S. where we can get all the healthy food reasonably. 

Right and wrong is determined by God's Law and not by feelings. "Whoever commits sin also commits lawlessness, and sin is lawlessness" (I John 3:4).

See:

Weight is a reflection of the number of calories you eat versus the number of calories you use. One pound of weight is about 3,500 calories. So if you gained a pound this week, it means you ate 3,500 calories too much. Therefore, weight loss is simple: eat about 500 to a 1,000 calories less than you normally would each day. That will translate to about a pound or two of weight loss each week. At the very beginning you lose it faster and as you get closer to your ideal weight you'll lose it slower. During the first month you'll feel hungry because your body is used to an over abundance, but soon you will get used to it and feel very hungry at meals. What you have to do is force yourself to stop with an adequate portion. Do not eat until you feel full or even satisfied.

Keep your weight loss to be about a pound or two a week. Don't try to go too fast or you'll start losing muscle.

Notice that none of this requires special food. Keep eating the same variety you always eat, just less of it. Since you are eating less that means your food expenses will go down a bit. If you are eating a lot of junk food, eliminating some will quickly get you to the 500 to 1,000 calories you want to get rid of. Junk food tends to be expensive for the amount of nutrients you get anyway, so again this will reduce your food costs.

Thank you so much for responding to my questions. I am relieved to find out that masturbating is a normal bodily function and is considered only sinful if the images of lustful thoughts are applied while doing it. 

I have a next question though. Remember that I had told you that one of the reason I watch gay porn is because I admire muscular men and their large penises? This transpires in real life. Each time I see a guy on the road the first place my eye reaches is his crotch to see if he has a big penis or not. I would also imagine how it looks in my mind and get an instant erection. I am easily erected. If I simply hear a person talking about sex or if I read an article about sex, even if it's not a pornographic material, I get hard.

I want to know how do I stop assessing these men crotch and imagining what they look like and how do I stop being erected when I read a material referring to sex. Thanks again for your advice! 

One part is within your control. You have control over where you focus your attention. Envy is not a good trait for a Christian anyway and focus on sexual ideas will eventually lead your thoughts and behavior astray. As Job said nearly 4,000 years ago, "I have made a covenant with my eyes; why then should I look upon a young woman?" (Job 31:1). So for this aspect you are just going to have to build self-control, not look, and especially not dwell on what size a guy's penis is.

Think about it this way. Our culture has it ingrained that bigger is better. We think the bigger person is the better athlete, but most Olympians are not that tall. In fact, more are short than tall. We know people have different size feet, hands, noses, and ears; yet, we know none of those things make the person better or worse than some other person. In the same way, men have different sized penises. The average is 6.5 inches long, but the typical range is from 3 to 8 inches long. Yet, size says absolutely nothing about how good a guy is at sex. From my readings I've noted that many women think a large penis is a detriment because sex is more painful from the stretching required to accommodate a large penis. When it comes to sex, size matters far less than how the penis is used.

So being envious of a guy for having a large penis is a detriment to your view of yourself and your view of sex. It is exactly the same mistake guys make in thinking large breasts makes a woman more desirable for sex. Breast size has nothing to do with the matter of sex. But once again, we get this silly notion that bigger is better.

Now the other half is something you can't control. As you get older, you will be able to prevent erections with conscious thought -- usually the trick is to think about things that are as unsexy as you can get, like doing math problems. But you are still young enough that your penis seems to have a mind of its own. What you have to realize is that your friends are dealing with exactly the same problem. So when you get erect at an inconvenient time and someone notices it, make light of it. Treat it as the common everyday event that it is.

Thank you for your help.

In light of all that has been said, I can, with the help of God, control the things I do. Looking at a guy's crotch, as of lately, I have tried hard to avoid it. Sometimes my eyes do stray in that direction, but I just rebuke the thought in Jesus' name!

Again I thank you so much and really I do appreciate you for it. I have been struggling so long, and I prayed and prayed and asked God to send help and He did. I could not have gone to any of my church leaders because people here are very homophobic. They would have just dismissed me as being gay, which deep in my heart I know I am not. Just enjoy watching gay sex. Well, I will not and will try my best not to watch it any more because it is just leading me down a path that is not pleasing to God!

Thanks again. I love you with the love of God and may God also continue to bless you and your family. God Bless!

You're are welcome. To be against homosexuality because it is a sin is not the same as fearing it. Just as being against fornication is not the same as fearing it. It is my view that every sincere question deserves an honest and sincere answer. One of the reasons this site exists is to be able to ask questions you won't dare ask someone you knew, but to which you know you can get a truthful and biblical answer.