I am a 18 year old boy. First off, sorry if my question seems repetitive. I grew up without a father and I was always around women in my family so I picked up more feminine qualities. I grew up with being called gay, girly, etc. However, when I came to high school, I made sure all those feminine qualities were gone, which made me happier as no one calls me names anymore.
I am a spirit filled and born again Christian who really loves God and wants to live for Him. I don't drink, smoke, etc. but lust is a big issue for me. I'm hooked on homosexual porn. Though I will admit, it makes me feel a bit better when I'm not having the best day, but sometimes I just have homosexual urges that I feel like I can't control. I hate this sinful lifestyle, and I feel like I can't get rid of it. True, there are times where I'm on a spiritual high and I feel so happy without my porn and homo tendencies, but it won't last long because shortly, give or take a few days, I will fall. When I'm in the moment, in the back of my mind I know the Spirit is telling me to stop but I can't.
Now I never have thought of having a relationship with a man, I find it repulsive and don't support it, but I am a a hypocrite who masturbates to it. At points, I got into incest with a man who would sometimes give in, though he didn't approve either.
I really don't know what to do I feel hopeless, and I can't take this life anymore since nothing helps. I tried Internet blockers, but since I set them up, I always end up disabling them or doing whatever I can to remove it during those moments. I don't want the Devil to control me but he is and I feel like I'm doomed to hell.
Please help me.
There are several things going on that are leading to your problems. One is a lack of understanding how your body works. I suspect that you are trying to avoid pornography by avoiding ejaculating. It is much like a person with a problem of eating too many sweets and deciding to solve the problem by not eating. It doesn't work because the body needs food. Eventually he gives in, and most likely does so with his favorite -- sweets. So he ends up over eating, decides he was right that he has no control, that he is good for nothing, and then tries to not eat again. The result is a vicious cycle where he keeps thinking less and less of himself until he eventually gives up.
You are doing the same thing but with ejaculating. You taught yourself to ejaculate to homosexual pornography. Every time the need to ejaculate gets strong, you turn to pornography to make it happen. You try to stop it by not ejaculating at all, but eventually the body's needs get too great and you give in. See:
- I want to stop masturbating, but the temptation keeps getting to me. How do I fight this?
- I try not to masturbate, but I can't last more than three weeks. What do I do?
- I had decided to quit porn and masturbating. It has been close to two weeks since I last masturbated. Now my sexual feelings are very strong.
- I masturbate to gay porn, not because I want to be a homosexual, but because I desire the bodies shown.
The problem with lust is that you set yourself up for giving in to what you desire. "And He said, "What comes out of a man, that defiles a man. For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lewdness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within and defile a man" (Mark 7:20-23). While you understand that homosexuality is wrong (I Corinthians 6:9-10), yet you admit that you have committed this sin repeatedly. You excuse it because it was incestuous and that the guy you do it with also says it is wrong, even though he does it with you. Incest is also wrong, so two wrongs doesn't cancel each other out. And what a person says doesn't count nearly as much as what a person does. "Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles? Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Therefore by their fruits you will know them" (Matthew 7:15-20). This man is encouraging to commit acts of homosexuality, but because he says he is reluctantly giving in, he puts the blame on you and makes it appear that you are responsible for it all.
So, let's unravel this knot that you've gotten yourself into.
First, you need to break off all contact with this man. He is leading you astray. The proper response to sin is to end it and to avoid the things that lead to it. "For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter" (II Corinthians 7:10-11). You need to light a fire under yourself to change.
Next, you need to stop your sins of lust through pornography. To do that you need to learn self-control and managing your body. As I stated in the other answers listed above, the way to gain control is not by denying your body's needs. Instead, you accept the fact that you do need to ejaculate, so when the desire is strong, you allow yourself to take care of the need, but in an appropriate place and time. For example, if you need to urinate, you don't just unzip your pants wherever you are and go. You hold it and get to a proper place to take care of the need. The same thing for ejaculating. What I usually suggest is that you limit your ejaculating to the shower. You can't get to pornography there, it is private, and clean up is easy. Thus, you don't say "I'm not going to ejaculate;" instead, you say, "I'll take care of my need to ejaculate in one place." This is the beginning of controlling your desire. From there you can being the harder task of controlling your thoughts.
Finally, you need to get right with God. That can be a deep subject by itself. Many people think they are a Christian when they haven't done what God has said. So, take a look at: What Must I Do to be Saved? If you truly are a Christian, then the way to forgiveness is prayer. "If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us. My little children, these things I write to you, so that you may not sin. And if anyone sins, we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous" (I John 1:8-2:1).
A person's past sins does not define them. That is the prevalent lie being put out by those wanting to justify their sins. A person who committed adultery is not necessarily an adulterer for the rest of his life. That you got involved in homosexuality does not make you a homosexual for the rest of your life. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God" (I Corinthians 6:9-11).
Thank you very much! I really do appreciate all your help and words of advice. Reading through the posts, I realize the act of masturbation is not wrong as long as no lustful thoughts or porn is involved. I will try maintaing my self-control in the shower. Thank you once again!
I may contact you later if I have further question. God bless you and your ministry!