The Boys' Growing Up in the Lord

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Question

Since I turned 12 I have been thinking about having sex with other guys and some girls. Then I managed to get a girlfriend, but she said she doesn't like me and wishes that I was dead, I got really depressed and started cutting myself. I got really angry with God and I stopped being a Christian. I tried killing myself, but then I thought about my parents, so I didn't, but I just don't know what to do anymore -- if I should stop cutting or what. I just don't know what to do anymore. Please help, please.


Answer

What I would like you to do is talk to me. I'll give you several ways you can get a hold of me. But in the meanwhile, let's talk about what is happening.

You are changing, but your changes are not done. The transition from a child to an adult body can be rough at times. It doesn't sound like you've been handling it well so far.

Yes, you are now aware of sex. But since it is brand new, your body isn't focused on who you want to have sex with, all it wants to be able to do is ejaculate. It is up to you to both control your body and to focus its responses in an appropriate way. One thing you need to realize is that just because your penis gets erect, it doesn't mean you need to have sex. Your body is still learning when and where is the appropriate time to respond.

The heroine in the Song of Solomon mentions several times, "Do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases" (Song of Solomon 2:7). What she is saying is don't rush love. If you do you'll lose it. It is like trying to run up to a deer. The deer runs away as soon as it sees you. But if you stand still and let the deer approach you instead, you can eventually get to the point of being able to pet the deer. Love is much the same way. You are trying to rush things and scaring it away. Instead of letting a friendship develop, you want to "get" a girlfriend. And I suspect you tried to hurry things along and the girl didn't like where things were going -- and for good reason. You are not ready for marriage and children yet, so take a breath and let things develop at their own pace. One rejection doesn't mean you'll never have a girlfriend or a wife in the future.

And why is it that you have gotten angry with God? I'm not certain what you are blaming Him for doing. I suspect that you have expectations about God that are not reasonable and when things didn't work the way you thought it should, then you blamed Him.

People who hurt themselves typically do so because they feel they need to punish themselves. More often than not, the feeling that they need to be punished is irrational; that is, they are looking at the situation wrong. Often bad things are happening to them, for which they are not the cause, but someone is pressuring them to think that they are responsible. It becomes a trap where they think they are bad, but since it isn't really their fault, they can't correct it. Hence, the feeling that they need to punish themselves. It is a way to cope with what feels like overwhelming problems.

The problem is that cutting and suicide are wrong because you are harming yourself. You are acting as judge, jury, and executioner in your own case, but you are biased because you are involved. Your own emotions get in the way of seeing things accurately. The result is that you are going against what is in your nature, and I believe you know it. "For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church" (Ephesians 5:29).

Neither cutting or suicide solve anything. It gives the illusion that you are doing something, but nothing really changes; instead, you have yet another thing that you feel bad about. So in the long run you feel worse. I'm willing to listen, if you would like to talk about what is going on in your life. Perhaps I can suggest better ways to deal with problems -- ways that actually will make your life better.

So, will you be willing to talk to me about your life?

I've ran up to a white tail deer before, and also I am going to stop cutting. Thank you for everything. I don't know what I would have done if you didn't reply

Good for you. I'm glad you made the right decision and whenever things get difficult and you just want someone to talk to, I'm willing to listen.