The Boys' Growing Up in the Lord

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Question

Hi,

First of all, I’d like to say that this site is an important tool to help us, male Christians and I have been blessed for it.

Well, I’m a 29 years old man, virgin, Christian, and want to have sex only in marriage. But I have to fight against masturbation. I started masturbation when I was only 10 years old, very young, and recently I have my first victory. Today I completed 46 days without masturbation.

I can say that from 10 to 25 years old I masturbated every day; from 25 to 27 not every day but various times a week. Since I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior (a couple of years ago) I have decreased the frequency to weekly or every 15 days, and there was one or two periods of 29 days without masturbation.

I felt very guilty on this sin and it was such a prison for me. My concern is about nocturnal emissions. I never had nocturnal emissions. At night I have erections and wake up with erections every day, but I did not ejaculate yet.  I notice that while I defecate sometimes a little of semen drips from my urethra, but is not much as an ejaculation.  How long my body will keep this semen storage? Will I be able to have nocturnal emissions at this (late) point of my life? It can cause me frustration.

I have to admit that my feeling of guiltiness is related more to the thoughts and desire that accompanies my masturbation. When I was 6 years old I discover to be attracted to males. Even in childhood I knew that it was wrong I felt very guilty.  In adolescence I never dated someone (boys or girls). In fact I kissed a girl one time when I was 15 years old, but the guiltiness and feeling of being something dirty (a male-male relationship) and lack of sexual desire for girls led me not to have any relationship in all my life, even though both boys and girls wanted to date me.

I’m not effeminate and I believe that the majority of people cannot even imagine that I have this dirty desire in my heart. I guess same people may think that I’m gay only because they never saw me dating a girl.

This is my prison. I grew up sad, desiring to die. I grew up in a family without love. My father never demonstrated love, on the opposite just was rude, did not talk to me, spanked me, and humiliated me and my mother and other brothers. My mother maybe victim of this scenario also could never give love. As a Christian, I know that I have to forgive them, and I did it.

Because of this broken family my biggest dream since childhood was to have a family. That’s why when I discover to be attracted by man it was such as a knife in my heart.  

I admit that even after I became Christian, I asked God to kill me so much sadness and pain in my heart because of this sin.  


Answer

God warned the Israelites, "Whatever I command you, be careful to observe it; you shall not add to it nor take away from it" (Deuteronomy 12:32). Paul says much the same to Christians in Galatians 1:6-10. God knows exactly what He meant to say. We get in trouble when we start altering the message in either direction. "Do not turn to the right or the left; remove your foot from evil" (Proverbs 4:27).

Homosexuality is a sin; it is not an option for a Christian. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10).

Strongly desiring what is sinful is also wrong. "For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lewdness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within and defile a man" (Mark 7:21-23). Therefore, wanting to have sex with another man is just as wrong as actually doing so.

Before I go on, people have a hard time distinguishing between bodily desire, temptation, and lust. Let me use a more neutral topic to illustrate the difference. You have desires that are built into you. You can't stop yourself from getting hungry, thirsty, wanting sex, wanting to be liked, etc. These are all normal, healthy desires. Satan takes those desires and twists them so that it looks like you have to sin in order to get what you want. Thus, you are hungry, realize you have no money, and it becomes tempting to steal a candy bar. Since temptations originate with Satan, you can't stop the temptations either -- you can only reject what Satan offers. "Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you" (James 4:7). But when you start justifying stealing, such as telling yourself you'll pay the guy back later or that you are owed a candy bar, even though it wasn't offered, then you are committing the sin of lust. This is something you can work against because it is originating with your decisions. If you take the candy bar, then it becomes the sin of stealing. When you've stole things so often that it no longer bothers you and you don't give it a second thought, then you've moved into licentiousness. And there you have died spiritually.

You are a healthy male and you want to have sex. That is normal and fine. Satan, however, tricked you into focusing on a specific type of sex -- sex with other men -- and has you convinced that this is the only type of sex you want. It is a falsehood but convincing you of that might be difficult because you accepted it for so long. My guess is that you were strongly taught that sex is wrong -- in an attempt to keep you from committing fornication. But that doesn't stop the desire for sex and so you allowed it to peek out in direction that you thought was safer -- toward other guys. The fact is that attraction is trainable. If you don't believe this, think about the guys who get turned on by inanimate objects like shoes or underwear. The desire for sex is a powerful thing in the human body, it can be like changing the course of a freight train, but it can be changed.

Given the age that you started focusing on males, I also suspect that either some older male came on to you sexually or the normal phase that boys go through where they hero worship older males got twisted in you and became sexualized.

Because lust is wrong, reinforcing that lust through things like pornography is also wrong. "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God" (I Thessalonians 4:3-5).

But take note of something: God never said that ejaculating was a sin. Nor did He state that masturbating was a sin. I know it is commonly called a sin, but what is usually referred is the lust and the pornography, not the actual act of masturbation, but many people don't stop to realize that masturbation can be separate from lust or pornography. With this in mind, I would like you to read: I'm still confused about masturbation. Is it right or wrong? What are your thoughts about it?

You have strong will power in that you've managed to prevent yourself from ejaculating. You've held off so long that your seminal vesicles are overflowing. That is what is happening when you have a bowel movement. The pressure of the process is squeezing the seminal vesicles and semen is spilling into your urethra and flowing out.

It is that same will-power that is keeping you from having a wet dream. All a wet dream is is masturbating in your sleep. But many guys sleep too lightly to sleep through the entire process, many wake up or become semi-awake at some point. I think you are in that camp. You wake up in the night strongly wanting to ejaculate, but once you are awake, you stop yourself.

The problem is that you lose control over bodily functions when you try to completely keep them from happening. For example, if you try to keep from urinating eventually it is going to come out whether you want it to or not and mostly likely the body's timing isn't going to be convenient for you. And in the meantime thoughts of needing to urinate is going dominate every moment. If you try not eating, you will eventually gorge yourself on food. And in the meantime, thoughts of being hungry is going to dominate every moment. If you try to stop ejaculating, eventually your body will take over using whatever means is available. But in the meantime, thoughts about sex will dominate every moment.

It is when a guy avoids ejaculating for a long time that he is most vulnerable to sexual temptations. He is dealing not only with the temptation itself, but also fighting his own body's demands. More guys give into pornography, or even fornication or homosexuality, when they try to not ejaculate.

The way to maintain control is to manage your body's functions. To control hunger, you eat reasonable amounts at reasonable times. You use the toilet at regular times and even plan ahead; I'm going to be busy for the next two hours, so I better empty my bladder now. Semen buildup in your seminal vesicles is no different. As you feel the edginess of sexual desire build up, you know you need to ejaculate. You can either take care of the matter the next time you shower or you can plan on having a wet dream -- ejaculating at night in your bed. If you are getting to the point where you feel like you're going crazy, then you are waiting too long.

I've written a lot for you to think about and I haven't even begun to address your childhood issues. So what I'm going to ask you to do is contact me so we can go through those issues in detail.

Thanks for the answer.

Well, I did not have any older males came onto me sexually in my childhood. There was no sexual abuse as a kid.  I guess this dirty desire is related to the relationship with my father. He rejected all members of my family. He used to spend all day long naked at home, and I noticed that the male features that attracted me, muscular, certain distribution of hair in body, are the same as in my father. Maybe I desired so much his love that this desire was converted to sexual desire for guys. The fact is when I see a handsome man my penis gets hard, but I never had an erection looking at any girl, even though I find some beautiful, but it is not enough to get my penis hard. This is my biggest frustration because I don’t want do have sex with a guy; I'd like to have it with a girl. I believe that if she stimulates me I will be able to satisfy her too, but as a Christian I cannot try this before marriage.

Last night I did not sleep well. I woke up at night with a very strong erection; my penis was bouncing but did not ejaculate. I even took off my clothes and slept the rest of the night naked, but I was not able to ejaculate. Now I'm kind of tired and having lots of erection during the day and very horny (47 days with no masturbation and no nocturnal emissions).

When you said "All a wet dream is masturbating in your sleep. But many guys sleep too lightly to sleep through the entire process, many wake up or become semi-awake at some point,'' do you mean that when a guy has a wet dream he masturbates (put his hands on penis and stroke) even sleeping?  

Do you think my explanations are reasonable? What do you think that I can do to get rid of this desire?

I think what you describe is one piece of the puzzle.

Teenage boys during early adolescence go through a phase that is commonly called "hero worship." Boys latch on to a guy who is their ideal of what being a man is all about. Often it is a father, but it can be some other man that they want to model themselves after. The problem you had is that your father remained emotionally distant, but you still wanted to become like him, at least physically.

Also during early adolescence, boys experience spontaneous erections. These are due to the body trying to figure out when and how to have erections. Anything, everything, and nothing in particular will trigger early erections. The problem is that people have a natural tendency to conclude that whatever happened just before must be the cause of what happens after. But it is a false conclusion because it skips over the fact that there has to be a connection. Roosters crowing in the morning don't make the sun come up. You started having erections and sexual feelings. Your dad wanders around naked which can be seen as "sexy" to a young boy. Before you know it a cycle is set up with the two ideas are feeding off of each other. I also note that you didn't mention having sisters and I assume you and your brothers were just as casual about nudity as your father was. Your mother also distant and emotionally detached. Thus, all your feedback during these years formative years tended to be nude males.

Another problem during adolescences, especially for males, is a tendency to obsess over things. It is a side-effect of the brain rewiring itself for adult thinking. Teenage boys tend to focus and lock on something to the point that it consumes their thoughts for a while. For many it is sex and masturbating. This is why addictive things are especially dangers for teenagers, thus we keep them away from cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, and pornography. For you, you focused on the male form represented by your dad. You saw your father as a sexy man. Even though you don't want to have sex with another man, you see certain attributes of a man as what defines "sexy."

The fact is that your body doesn't care what it has sex with, so long as it can ejaculate. It is with our minds that we direct our body's natural desire for sex. I can guarantee that a woman can turn you on. You just don't believe it at the moment because it hasn't happened yet. My usual advice is to not worry about the sex issue. Find a woman to be friends with whom you will eventually realize that you want to spend the rest of your life with. As you get emotionally attached to her, you will find your body naturally following the direction of your mind. Your mind won't completely shift. It will still see maleness as being sexy, but it will become in the sense that you are in the role of that male ideal.

Therefore, when you get close to marriage, we can talk about sexual issues. But don't borrow imagined problems from the future.

One thing, however, that you do need to work on is realizing that you grew up in a dysfunctional family. You don't want to carry those problems over into your own marriage. Thus, realize that you are going have to work extra hard in learning how to treat a woman properly. And it may take extra effort for you to overcome your reserve around females since you had none to practice with when you were younger.

Switching topics, the ones who more often have wet dreams are those who masturbate by humping. That doesn't involve as much coordination in sleep, though there are men who do use their hands in their sleep to masturbate. But as I said, not everyone is able to sleep through a wet dream. It sounds like you are in that number. What I'm more concerned about is that you may lose control because of your need to ejaculate.