Fah man. Whenever I read your response it always almost makes me cry because you make it seem so easy! I am willing to change! I say I hate everyone but I really don't because there's no hate when I'm talking to you; I feel as if we're family. You really are a good person, and I thank you very much! I want to change! I really do, but I don't know how. I occasionally curse, frequently watch porn, and I'm always thinking of sinful thoughts.
Today I came home from work and I was in an OK mood. But I came home today wanting to tell you or someone how bad I wanted to give up! Live like every other teen out there and maybe things would be different! I wanted to just act like them, talk like them and do everything there doing. But I'm different! And that's how everyone sees me! As different. I mean different can be good but I'm a weird kind of different. I don't really do anything any normal teen does, as in go to parties, smoke, chill, go hanging out, go shopping with friends, water heater, TV, etc. The only things I do is work, play a little bit of games, sleep, eat, ride my bike around, etc. The only fun I have is riding my bike around. Games aren't even that fun anymore. I can't even play anymore because my TV blew, and I never even had cable.
From the start my mom always told me friends would lead me into trouble, and I made a change in 10th grade. My life is so boring that anyone living in it would want to kill himself.
Last year, when I was with a girl I loved, it felt so good, like I had someone who cared about me and someone I could talk to! But good things never stay with me. I even remember that same year I told her how I had got into an argument with my father and asked him why all of a sudden was he trying to be a father to me. We stopped speaking after I told him that. My girlfriend told me it was OK, calmed me down, and talked to me about how her family situation was. I just miss all of that.
Recently I just started to care less about everything. At my job I was talking to this girl and she asked me if I were a virgin. I said yes and she kept on asking me stuff and telling me stuff about her. She then asked me if I was with two girls and they wanted to have sex, would I? I took a while to reply looking around to see if anybody was looking and didn't reply. She then laughed and walked away. I kept thinking of a response and when she came back I blurted out only if you would teach me. I was even kind of shocked. She then said it would be too much and that I'll take too long to learn or something like that. Also that I wasn't her type and she doesn't like me like that. Although I thought she kind of did and acted like she did. Of course I felt kind of bad and realized that my life is just awful.
I'm never going to have someone. It's not because I'll never find someone, but I don't think that it would work out so I wouldn't even go through with it. Recently I turned down a couple of girls because I already see it. I just know. It's always too good to be true! And whenever things are going good the devil always tries to mess it up.
I think I'm feeling isolated because I'm tired of this world. I know it's a sin to want to die or anything like that, but I think it will be better. Not having to deal with any of life's struggles! Just nothingness and an empty void. Well, hopefully I make it to heaven, and I can have eternal life with the Creator Himself!
Why thank you! I'm honored that you think of me as family. But what it really means is that I care about you.
In some ways changing is easy. Most sins require that you do something. Technically not doing is easier than doing. It is the wanting that is the hard part.
The best way to change is taking one step at a time. If you try doing it all at once it is overwhelming, but if you just work on one thing at a time, each one is doable by itself. Let's start with the pornography. It exists because people want to make money off of young guys need to ejaculate. The problem is that it corrupts your view of relationships and women. See: Giving up pornography can't be that simple.
Given the things going on when some teens have too much idle time on their hands, it probably is a good thing that you don't have time to get into trouble. I know your life isn't considered normal for today's teens, but it once was a very normal routine. I can sympathize. I valued being a Christian more than being liked by others, so I was usually left out of things. I worked from the time I was 14. Now that I'm much older and looking back, I don't regret it. I've seen where the other kids ended up. I'm glad I took a different path.
It sounded like you had a good girlfriend, one you related to person-to-person. I'm sorry it didn't work out. As I said earlier, few do because people don't really realize what they want until they try and find out what doesn't work. I'm confident that you'll find another girlfriend, but it might not happen until you get a bit older. You're a stable sort of guy and it isn't until girls get into their twenties do they realize how valuable stability is in a guy.
I know your are anxious to grow up and have others respect you, but you don't earn it by imitating the sins of others. Imagine a girl's response if you proudly said you were a virgin and that you are saving yourself for your wife because she will be someone special. It would mark you as different, but different in a good way.
Solomon once observed, "Truly the hearts of the sons of men are full of evil; madness is in their hearts while they live, and after that they go to the dead. But for him who is joined to all the living there is hope, for a living dog is better than a dead lion. For the living know that they will die; but the dead know nothing, and they have no more reward, for the memory of them is forgotten" (Ecclesiastes 9:3-5). Yes, there are hard times in life, but life means you get to do things. And some of them are actually fun!