Last year, when I was still sixteen, I had sex with the girl I was with. She had earlier told me she needed a kiss, a request I was reluctant to turn down, so I kissed her. Along the line, we went in to smooching. She later brought my penis out and started sucking it. At first it seemed irritating, but I started liking it. When my stuff had gotten fully erect, she lowered herself onto me and we had sex for about 10 minutes. Then I stopped, left her house and went home with fright and guilt. Ever since then, I have been feeling like having sex again. I really don't want to go against God's will. Will God forgive me? Is it normal for a young man like me to make this mistake? How can I forgive myself?
You seem to be of two minds in regards to what happened. You state you liked what happened and that you want it to happen again, yet you also state that it scared you, made you feel guilty and you know it was wrong.
First off, what you did was a sin. "Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge" (Hebrews 13:4). "Fornication" means having sex with someone you are not married to. A person cannot be a Christian and be involved in sexual sins at the same time. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10).
Christians will be caught by sin at times, it is just not something that be avoided, but it doesn't mean it is accepted. When sin occurs, a Christian works hard to get out of sin. Remember that list of sins from I Corinthians 6:9-10, the next verse is interesting: "And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God" (I Corinthians 6:11). Thus, the answer is you can be forgiven, if you turn from your sins and obey God. "For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter" (II Corinthians 7:10-11). You aren't quite there yet because you still long to return to sin, but this passage does tell you which way you need to go.
Have other young men been in the situations similar to yours. "No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it" (I Corinthians 10:13). Not all gave in as you did, some sought the way of escape.
Note that what happened did not need to have happened. The passionate kissing should not have taken place with you and she putting your hands where they did not belong. "Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman" (I Corinthians 7:1). Once you get sexually aroused, you don't think well. That is why you let her expose your penis when you knew that it was wrong. "Let us walk properly, as in the day, not in revelry and drunkenness, not in lewdness and lust, not in strife and envy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts" (Romans 13:13-14). The only proper response was to run from the sin.
"My son, pay attention to my wisdom; lend your ear to my understanding, that you may preserve discretion, and your lips may keep knowledge. For the lips of an immoral woman drip honey, and her mouth is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword. Her feet go down to death, her steps lay hold of hell. Lest you ponder her path of life - her ways are unstable; you do not know them. Therefore hear me now, my children, and do not depart from the words of my mouth. Remove your way far from her, and do not go near the door of her house, lest you give your honor to others, and your years to the cruel one; lest aliens be filled with your wealth, and your labors go to the house of a foreigner; and you mourn at last, when your flesh and your body are consumed, and say: "How I have hated instruction, and my heart despised correction! I have not obeyed the voice of my teachers, nor inclined my ear to those who instructed me! I was on the verge of total ruin, in the midst of the assembly and congregation"" (Proverbs 5:1-14).
Honestly, I am not a fornicator. Neither am I an adulterer. That incidence was my first and has been my last ever since then. I just wasn't strong enough to resist the temptation. Am I going to hell?
That would depend on whether you repented of your sins and whether you are obedient to what God commands of you.
If you are not fully a Christian, then you need to become one. Right after telling the Corinthians that you cannot reach heaven while sinning, Paul reminded them: "And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God" (I Corinthians 6:11). See: What Must I Do to be Saved?
If you are a Christian, then these passages apply:
- "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us" (I John 1:9-10).
- "For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter" (II Corinthians 7:10-11).
Repentance is both changing your behavior and changing your mind about sin. You haven't repeated your fornication, which is excellent. But the fact that you are thinking about doing it again is bothersome.
I have embarked on three days of fasting and prayer for God's forgiveness and cleansing. I have prayed and made up my mind to never go back into the world of lust and any form of sin. I'll try my very best, the best of my best. Thank you very much, may the good Lord bless and continue to strengthen you. Please accept my prayers.