I am 15 years old. I would much rather talk to you in person but, as you can see, that's very difficult. I have a few questions.
A little while ago, probably about a month ago, I thought about death. These thoughts would haunt me and scare me to the point of nauseousness and possible panic attacks. What scared me was what might happen once this happens. Will it just be black nothingness, as if I am unconscious or sleeping? I don't want it to be that way. I want to actually be able to experience the afterlife. I've cried about this. Thoughts of this have subsided but occur every now and again, but scare me a lot less.
This is the big question now. I think I might be gay. I know this is wrong and a sin; however, I cannot help it. I always find myself searching for naked pictures of men. I also often try to find boys my age, but I haven't found none. Those pictures were for more educational purposes though. I've also watched many gay pornographic videos. I have sexual thoughts about boys in my school and about seeing them naked.
When I was probably 10 years old, I had gay sex with my brother who was probably about 14 or 15 at the time. We kissed, took showers together, and even gave each other oral sex (maybe only once, that I can remember). I've also showered with my other brother, but we never did anything sexual. I don't do any of this anymore.
Is this just a phase of puberty, these thoughts? I know it's very wrong.
Finally, I have a very odd sexual desire. I've been having thoughts about pedophiles. I get an erection every time I think about it. Maybe just because I know it's wrong? I've frequently had thoughts about sex with men in their 30's-50's, priests, teachers, police men, etc. What do I do?
You are correct that the range of issues you raise would be better handled directly, but we will make do with what we have.
The best we know about what it is like after death is in the story of the rich man and Lazarus in Luke 16:19-31. The realm of the dead is called Sheol in the Old Testament and Hades in the New Testament. There are two parts, depending on whether you lived a righteous life or not, you end up in either torments (for the wicked) or paradise (for the righteous). So, no it is not darkness or nothingness. It won't be heaven or hell, but each side reflects a person's ultimate end.
Homosexuality is when a person has sex with someone of the same gender. What your brother did to you was very wrong. It is a form of child abuse because you were too young to make a good moral decision. Your brother was old enough to know better. The problem that arises when these things happen to children is that at the time, they are just going along with what the older person says to do. It feels sort of good and appears to be fun. But later, when puberty hits and the child realizes exactly what has happened and that it was wrong, it is too late to do something about it. A dilemma develops that children "resolve" in a variety of unhealthy ways. In your case, you are dealing with temptations of being a victim of a pedophile and lusting after homosexual sex.
Let's start with the pedophilia. Fortunately society as a whole still recognizes this to be wrong because of the damage it does to children. To desire it is to perpetuate it, not just on yourself but on other children as well. Yes, there is a fascination with sexual sins and your body reacts simply because it is both sexual and shocking. Just because you get an erection, it doesn't mean something has to be done about the erection, nor does it mean you like what is causing the erection -- though it can be hard to distinguish when you are a young man.
Homosexuality is a sin and lusting after any sin, whether heterosexual or homosexual is wrong. "For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lewdness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within and defile a man" (Mark 7:21-23). The most obvious reason is that the things you long for will eventually influence your behavior. Homosexuality, like other sexual sins, can keep you out of heaven. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10).
Despite the popular myth of today, homosexuality is not a permanent label. You choose who you have sex with. You can also choose what you look at. "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God" (I Thessalonians 4:3-5). "Passion of lust" refers to lustful things that arouse sexual passion in you -- things like pornography. It doesn't matter what kind of pornography you look at, it all isn't right.
In some ways it is a phase of puberty. When you first become sexual, you are wide open to any sexual suggestions. This is what your brother did to you and why you were susceptible to it. What you have done over the years is reinforce the wrong images of what sex ought to be in your mind. Thus, what I want you to do is stop the input of the pornography, so that the wrongful lusts can fade away. See: Giving up pornography can't be that simple.