Several weeks ago something unfortunate happened. I accidentally saw my sister's vagina. She had screamed when a pan of hot water accidently splashed on her feet. I rushed into the room, but by this time she had removed her trousers so she could put her feet in cold water. She screamed for me not to come into the room, but it was too late by then. This was very awkward afterward for me, even though she still has no idea what I saw. She was too busy to notice I hadn't left the room. It was after this incident that I realized the female genitalia isn't very visually appealing (at least not to me). My whole family, including myself, are Christians, so I have never watched porn or even looked at pictures of vaginas. I have started to wonder if I might be gay.
It might be worth mentioning that I have a history of OCD. For example when I was younger I had an OCD which caused me to buy lots of toys whenever I got pocket money, or else I felt unfulfilled. After what happened, I found myself compulsively looking at pictures of vaginas. Last week, I am going to shamefully admit, I looked at porn. Every day since I have prayed to God for forgiveness, I feel so bad. I think this is all my brains way of convincing myself that I'm not gay. But every time I look I think they look worse and worse and it has gotten to the point that I'm scared to look.
Before any of this happened I always found girls attractive. It is just the sight of the vagina that repulses me. I do not know if I could put my penis into my future wife or not. I know that homosexuality is a sin, and I don't even want to be one. All I want is to find vaginas attractive and one day when I get married everything will be normal. Could this actually be a rare case of asexuality (not having any sexual orientation)?
This is becoming very stressful to me now, to the point that I am considering suicide. I don't want to be gay, I want to have a normal life and have sex when I get married. I also feel really guilty about what I saw and am having to live with the fact that I saw my sister's genitals for the rest of my life. I can't even look her or her boyfriend in the eye.
I would kindly like to ask for anything you have to say which might help with this issue?
God bless you.
Several times I run across situations where I wish I had the person sitting across from me so we can delve into the situation deeper -- this is one of those.
I suspect that at the start, because you were frighten for your sister when you rushed into the room and then immediately very embarrassed by what you unintentionally saw. It was those raw emotions which made the whole situation unattractive. But then it was followed by fear, first of getting in trouble for what you saw, but then replaced by fear that you didn't react as you thought a male should have reacted.
The flaw in your reasoning is a very typical male way of looking at the world. Men tend to be visually oriented. Thus many young men find themselves aroused by things they might see and they chase after them. But physical attraction is really only has a minor role in relationships. "Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised" (Proverbs 31:30). Physical beauty doesn't last. Besides, God made woman for man as a companion, not as an object to gaze at. "Yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant" (Malachi 2:14). It may be hard to believe right now, but when you do find a woman who you realize over time has become your best friend and whom you want to spend the rest of your life being with her, small things like looks won't matter to you.
But at the moment, you have let your fears spiral out of control. You feared you might be homosexual, so you tried to prove yourself wrong by looking at female genitalia. But since you knew you were doing something wrong, and you feared you might not react, you merely ended up reinforcing your fears. In a short while you have decided you are broken and you needed to classify yourself.
So let's back up a moment. I Corinthians 6:9-10 lists several sexual sins: fornication, adultery, and homosexuality (two words - one for the receiving of homosexual acts and one for the doing of homosexual acts). Is someone born to be an adulterer? Is adultery imposed on a person or is it a sin that a person commits? Is fornication something people are destined to do because of their birth or is it something people choose to do? I would hope you see that these are sins that people choose to commit. Why should homosexuality be seen as anything different?
Just because you don't get an erection seeing a female vagina, it doesn't following that you are a homosexual. As you noted, you don't choose to commit sins of homosexuality, which is as it should be. Nor does it mean you are asexual. All it means is that there is something else, yet to be discovered, that you will find arousing. That is fine. You are still growing and developing.
All this rushing to force yourself to into a preconceived mold is just causing you stress.
You didn't sin when you accidentally saw your sister's genitals. You didn't intentionally look. There is no need to feel guilty about seeing something you had no desire to see. Now, you did sin in looking at pornography. You were trying to pursue lust, which is wrong. "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God" (I Thessalonians 4:3-5). It is for this sin that you should apologize to God for committing and resolve not to repeat the sin.
Thank you so much for your wise words. But I think I am suffering from Eurotophobia (fear of the female genitals). Won't this mean I won't be able to or even want to have sex if I ever got married? And by the way I only looked at the porn because I wanted to convince myself that I like women not men, and I instantly regretted it. It happened during my most desperate and confused moment.
The problem is that you are making a conclusion about the future based on a momentary event. You don't know that this fear won't pass. The reality is that it will pass if you can manage not to dwell on it and let things develop as God intended. There are people who have fears of animals, fears of flying, fears of water, etc. who either grow out of those fears or learn to conquer them. If when you are getting close to getting married and you think you still have this fear, then contact me and I will help you work through your fears. Meanwhile, I want you to put this topic aside and not dwell on it. I know I'm asking for a lot and it might seem impossible at first, but the more you dwell on this the more you'll convince yourself that you have a problem -- even though all of it stems from your imagination.
I have just one more question: do most guys find the female genitals 'visually appealing' or do they get aroused by other things? And don't they (at least the guys who don't think they look good) find it weird having their penis inside something which doesn't look nice to them?
Several lists that say that guys are visually attracted to women's breasts, face, eyes, legs, waist, and bottom. After all these are the things a guy is more likely to see -- at least the shape thereof. But if you are having sex with your wife in a dark bedroom under the covers, you are not likely to be looking at her vagina anyway.