I found this web site to be a life saver. I hope you will understand my problem and will try to help me out. I will try to keep it short; yet I will start from the beginning, so that you may help me in the best possible way.
I am 23 currently. I think I have been masturbating from the age of 11-12, so I guess it has been 11+ years since I have been masturbating. It all started when I had gained access to a computer with an Internet connection. I started watching porn. I still remember asking a school mate about a sticky liquid that comes out and I felt like sleeping after it came out. At that time and age, I did not know what semen was!
I was bullied often at school. I started bunking (skipping) school, got into a bad company of friends, and started smoking. Things weren't perfect at home either -- my parents quarreled, I was hit at times. All this led to frustration building up in me. Masturbation was the only rescue. It relieved me.
By the time I was 16, I started dating a girl I liked. Although our encounter was of a short duration, merely a month or so, I remember (and confess) it was a physical attraction. I had some level of physical intimacy with her before we parted.
One year later, I met a girl who is no less than an angel. She awed me. Somehow we connected, and we got committed. She provided me the love and care, which at that time I did not respect because of the frustration in me from school and home. I have huge regrets now when I think back on it. She is the one who pulled me out of all my bad habits and bad company. I called myself to be an atheist back then, but she help me realize the importance of God. Due to my physical urges, I tried to get intimate with her -- in the movie theater, at home. We never had sex, we are still virgins. She respected me, considering it my love and gracefully accepted my actions. It affected her grades at school, She had guilt within because of our intimacy, and we parted away.
A few months later, we got in touch again and in no time our feelings revived. Two years later, we again parted because of the anger in me -- my negative outlook toward life. All in all we were together for almost four years. The reason I am surviving and I am a changed person is all because of her. Although I still have the anger in me. I feel depressed that I affected her life, particularly when I know within that she deserved someone better in life.
It has almost been two years now that we have been separated again, but I feel her missing within me too much -- her care and warmth, her trust in me. I feel I am the evil who has harmed her too much. All this keeps me in depression constantly. I again started masturbating sometimes twice or thrice a day. I have multiple fears dwelling in me relating to her health and safety. I live in a constant fear now. It is a cycle. I miss her too much, I have regrets, I feel guilty, depression, which leads to masturbation, which then leads to fear and the cycle continues.
Things have worsened now, I have started noticing girls while driving or walking. I have a constant urge to have physical intimacy. It is a mixture of feelings: fear, anxiety, depression, tension and then a urge to masturbate to release it all.
I have been trying to concentrate in the Lord (Hindu religion). It has been years, months that I have been promising him that I will stop masturbating, but every time I move a step forward, I am pulled back two steps. I try to chant his name, but my mind is not at rest when I am doing so. Degraded thoughts come up, to the extent I cannot even mention. I want to adhere to all that she taught me in respect to the time we were together, that is being a genuine good human being. I do try to help people, I do not to hit at any girl. It is just the thoughts, lusty thoughts. My mind is beyond control.
Please let me know how can I leave the regrets behind? How can I leave my habit to masturbate? How can I control my mind? The guilt that I affected her life tears me apart. Although, by the end of this e-mail, I somehow feel I know the answer within, still I wish someone to tell it to me.
I hope you understand that I teach solely from a Christian viewpoint. I gather you practice Hinduism. I am not certain whether your second girlfriend was also a Hindu or a Christian because I notice that you mix in Christian terms in your note.
You mention physical intimacy, a very broad term, without clarifying what you did, beyond saying that it did not reach the point of sexual intercourse. You also mentioned that you had trouble controlling your anger and that somehow contributed to the your break up along with your constant pushing to go further sexually with her. This vagueness makes it a bit difficult to know where to start.
I gather it isn't just that you are involved in masturbation, but that you use pornography from the Internet to get yourself stirred up so you can masturbate. Pornography is a problem because, at its root, it is physical lust for sex outside of marriage. "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God" (I Thessalonians 4:3-5). I would like you to read through Lies Pornography Tells Men.
It is because you constantly are feeding your mind with trash that you are having a hard time controlling your thoughts. I have a degree in computer science and the standard line is: garbage in, garbage out. You can't get good out from evil. "And why not say, "Let us do evil that good may come"? --as we are slanderously reported and as some affirm that we say. Their condemnation is just" (Romans 3:8). This is also the reason you have had a hard time behaving properly with your girlfriends. You kept trying to act out the trash that you filled your mind with.
While memories can't be erased, they can fade if they are not emphasized and feed. Therefore, I would like you to commit to no longer watching pornography.
From a biblical viewpoint, masturbating is neither good nor bad by itself, but it can very easily be used in a bad way. (See Is masturbation sinful or not?) Not only did you use it as an excuse to drown yourself in lust, but you are using orgasm as a self-induced drug to escape the realities of life. When you quit the porn, you are going to find it harder to masturbate as often as you have been doing. While it will be annoying, it is the right direction to go.
What I suspect you are doing is what most guys try and fail to do: completely stop ejaculating. What ends up happening is semen builds up in your body. As it does, your desire for sex escalates until you do ejaculate. Your description is of a guy who has gone too long without ejaculating.
Thank you for the response. Yes, I know you teach solely from a Christians view point. What I have observed with time is, that in all religions the core values are astonishingly similar. God is one with different names.
I apologize for the lack of clarity in my previous e-mail. It wasn't that I loved my girl any less.
I have started to follow your advice. I have decided not to watch porn. Yes, it is a well said fact: "Garbage in, garbage out."
Emotionally, I was not able to support my own self. I do ejaculate while trying to release my sexual urges. At most, right now I am able to pull 2-3 days without masturbating. I will keep you posted on my progress on the same.
It is people like you who are making society a better place to live in. Thank you for being so kind and helpful to me. Thank you very much!
Rather than pushing your limits, back off a bit so you can establish a pattern of self-control. If three days leave you struggling to control your thoughts, then purposely ejaculate every two days for a while.
In regards to religion, I see the situation slightly differently. It appears to me that mankind knew the one true God, but as time passed, they strayed in different directions. There are many similiarities because of the common beginning, but without the drive to return to the source, they've lost touch with the truth.