I'm an 18 year old boy. I've become Christian a month ago. The Lord God has opened my eyes onto a whole new world. I had minor health issues; now they are all gone. I had loneliness and emptiness, now they faded away although I feel bit empty sometimes. Jesus has helped me a lot. I'm truly thankful to him, but there is something that concerns me all the time.
Since I was a little kid, I've been always attracted to males. When I was four years old, I felt extremely different when I saw a very handsome, masculine man dying in an arena. Men's muscularity would somehow appeal me a lot. Because I was little I did not know anything other than I was feeling very strange. There are many experiences and memories that prove I was gay since I was born. It would take long time if I talked about every single one of them. At this moment, I had five straight crushes and two gay crushes, but I had never been attracted strongly to girls as I am attracted to guys. I'm 70% gay and 30% straight -- that is how I feel. I have never been in a relationship. I never had a sex before. I never even held a girl's hand or showed physical affection to a guy. I crave for a physical affection (not sex), comfort and protection all the time. Only men seem to be able to offer those things to me. I love women's beauty, and softness but that is not I want to feel. I've always had many girlfriends (female friends) and hang out with them a lot but not even a single guy.
I've graduated from my high school this year. In high school, I was the most gentle, generous, and considerate person. I would always show camaraderie to all of my classmates, but they were not able to value that. I did not used to isolate myself from guys. Hanging out with guys was never what I wanted. Their behavior and hobbies were too hard for my gentle manner. On the street, I check out handsome guys and cute boys but not girls. It happens unintentionally.
When I do bad sinful things like masturbating or looking at a porn, I feel some guilt inside of me instantly. I assume the Holy Spirit inside of me causes that feeling. Whenever I do something bad, I get a message that I'm doing wrong, and I correct my mistakes and learn from that. However, when I get attracted to guys and fantasize about hugging or being very close to a nice guy, I do not feel guilt at all. It is just like when you dislike almonds but others all love almonds. Will people hate you for disliking almonds and you will feel wrong for disliking that? Of course not. I feel that having gay feelings is absolutely normal, just like you have personal preferences. The point is, being attracted to guys is not a choice I made. It happens involuntarily. I wished I was dominantly straight many times. Since it is a part of me, I don't want to get rid of it. It would be very tough thing to do, even if I try to do so. I know Jesus loves me a lot. I would never ever intentionally want to disappoint him.
I feel like a black sheep in the Christian community. Every single Christian person I met believes being gay is a sin against the Lord God. I know a same sex sexual act is lustful and sinful because it says so in the Bible. I wonder if God has a different opinion about gay people at this moment. I wonder if significantly increasing number of gay people is God's birth control to maintain overpopulation. I wonder if being gay is an unique gift God has given to me. I'm not into thinking about sex. I have exams to prepare and big dreams to pursue. But I feel very empty, isolated and guilty when I hear people saying being gay is a sin. It feels like no one could hear me. I need help.
Your note illustrates what annoys me about the promotion of homosexuality. Global estimates of people having sex with members of the same gender have been running about 1.5%. I'm sure with the heavy promotion of homosexuality that number will rise, but it is important to realize that it is less widespread that it is made to appear in the media. So how does a group gain acceptance of their preferred type of sin when so few engage in it? The answer is to broaden the definition of it so that more people perceive themselves as being in that category and, therefore, accept it even if they don't do it.
Homosexuality, having sex with someone of the same gender, is condemned by God. "For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature. Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due" (Romans 1:26-27). The Bible is completely consistent in stating that homosexuality is a sin. For a list of passages, see: Homosexuality. The Bible is God's Word. It came from God through prophets. "All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work" (II Timothy 3:16-17). God doesn't change. "You, LORD, in the beginning laid the foundation of the earth, and the heavens are the work of Your hands. They will perish, but You remain; and they will all grow old like a garment; like a cloak You will fold them up, and they will be changed. But You are the same, and Your years will not fail" (Hebrews 1:10-12). Morality has not changed. Sin remains sin. Lying, stealing, fornication, adultery, homosexuality, etc. have always been sinful and remain sinful for a simple fact: sin is harmful. God gave men laws to keep them from harm. As Moses told Israel, "And now, Israel, what does the LORD your God require of you, but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all His ways and to love Him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the commandments of the LORD and His statutes which I command you today for your good?" (Deuteronomy 10:12-13).
Yet, what you mostly describe about yourself is a perfectly normal trait that children have. Most children find people they want to model themselves after. Boys tend to find men attractive and girls tend to find women attractive for this modeling. You found the muscular build to be something desirable. I don't know if you used that to work on your own body or not.
Most boys go through a phase where they are more comfortable with other boys than with girls. They understand their own gender, but females are seen as odd and difficult to comprehend. Again, this is normal for all males. Actually, girls do the same thing. That is why you tend to see guys hanging around other guys and girls hanging around other girls. This even lasts into adulthood. Men date and find a woman to marry, but typically you will find the men have more male friends than female friends. They are more comfortable around other men because the expectations are known. With the opposite gender there is a danger of a sexual element that causes people to be cautious. All you've stated is that you crave friendship and that is normal because people are not designed to be isolated (Genesis 2:18).
But where you go astray is to think that liking other males or finding the male form attractive means that you want to have sex with males. Such turns what is normal and right into some sinful, or it causes people to think that something sinful is acceptable. "Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil; who put darkness for light, and light for darkness; who put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter! Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes, and prudent in their own sight!" (Isaiah 5:20-21). Notice that you used a self-description of being "gentle, generous, and considerate person" as evidence that you are gay. These aren't attributes of homosexuals! They are the attributes all Christians are to have. Thus, you turned righteous characteristics into something unholy.
While people frequently ascribe their feelings to God, the Bible tells us that we have a conscious. It is like an alarm system. It warns us when we are doing wrong. Children don't have a developed conscious. They have a hard time distinguishing between good and evil. "Moreover your little ones and your children, who you say will be victims, who today have no knowledge of good and evil, they shall go in there; to them I will give it, and they shall possess it" (Deuteronomy 1:39). But it kicks in when we get older.
However, the conscious is trainable and, therefore, it can be wrong at times if it is trained wrong. Paul stated that he always had a good conscious -- that is that it never bothered him (Acts 23:1; 24:16). Yet, early in his life he fought against God by persecuting the church (I Timothy 1:12-13). Paul thought at the time he was serving God by standing up for the Jewish faith, but Paul was wrong.
Each person's conscious reflects their own thinking on matters. Sometimes we do things we know we really shouldn't and our conscious bothers us. But then there are times we do things that we think is right and our conscious remains quiet. Yet, we could be wrong. "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and depart from evil" (Proverbs 3:5-7). We are not capable of determining the difference between right and wrong on our own. "O LORD, I know the way of man is not in himself; it is not in man who walks to direct his own steps" (Jeremiah 10:23). That is why God gave us His word to direct us. "Grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord, as His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue, by which have been given to us exceedingly great and precious promises, that through these you may be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust" (II Peter 1:2-4).
Looking at porn ought to cause your conscious to hit the alarm bells. "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God" (I Thessalonians 4:3-5). "Passion of lust" are passionate things designed to cause lust within a person, such as pornography.
Your almond illustration falls short because eating almonds or not eating almonds is neither morally right or wrong. This is completely different from homosexuality which is morally wrong. They are not parallel so one does not illustrate the other.
Let me repeat: The claim that being gay is a guy liking other guys is false. It is an over broad definition designed to make homosexuality appear normal and acceptable. You aren't gay. You are a young man who wants friends, preferably male friends so that you can feel accepted by others. What you desire is not wrong or sinful, so stop attributing it something that is sinful.