I am 21 years old. I love the Lord and I am always trying to live according to the Bible. I know that I am born again because the Holy Spirit lives in me. I have a girlfriend and we have a strong relationship. We are so in love. Our relationship is very pure, and we always pray so God would bless us. She got baptized, but I still haven't and that's because I have a sin that I carry in my life. She doesn't know about it, actually nobody knows. Our youth leader knows that I have a lust problem and prays for me.
The thing is that my lust is not only for girls but also for guys, I watch gay porn! I really hate that, but I can't stop it. I can't fall in love with a guy. It disgusts me anyways, but I like to be naughty with guys; however, I hate being naughty with girls, I like to have romantic relationship with them.
I guess this is all because my parents didn't really teach me to act like a boy. When I was a kid I used to like and to ask for girly toys. They used to refuse, but they didn't want to make things more complex with unsatisfied desires, so in the end they used to get me those toys.
This led to me being not very comfortable with guys at school because I don't know how to play their games. They used to mock me that I'm like girls. When I became a teenager I tried to change my behavior as much as possible, but the guys at school wouldn't let me in a lot. It was hard to fit in. I still don't know how to play basketball, soccer, etc. I feel a lot more comfortable with girls than boys. I'm actually more likely to be shy while talking to a guy than talking to a girl. The whole thing makes me want to be naughty with guys. It's like an unfulfilled desire to have close guy friends. That doesn't mean that I don't have guy friends but not that close!
I don't know what to do. I can't stop. I pray a lot to stop watching this kind of porn. Actually, if I watch straight porn, I like it but I always find myself more interested in the gay ones! How to stop watching porn and feeling lustful?
Allow me to start from a few simple facts. First, lust of any sort is a sin. "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God" (I Thessalonians 4:3-5). Second, God makes three promises concerning temptation: "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it" (I Corinthians 10:13). Those three promises are:
- You will never face a temptation unique to you. Satan is allowed only a limited bag of tricks. The struggles you face are similiar to ones thousands, if not millions of other guys have faced. Therefore, the claim "You don't understand what I'm going through" is false.
- You will never face a temptation that is too strong for you. Satan is not allowed to overwhelm you. Therefore, the claim "I couldn't help myself" is false.
- You will always have a choice not to sin. Satan cannot box you in such that no matter what you do, you end up sinning. There is always a way out. Therefore, the claim "I had to sin" is false.
Therefore, before we even address your issues, the answer is that you have the ability to stop watching porn. It is there if you choose to take that path.
This has nothing to do with the toys you like to play with as a child or your knowledge of sports. Nor is it your parents' fault for not teaching you. I do agree that a portion of this is a desire to be accepted by others whom you have decided are manly, but it has gotten warped. You somehow decided that you would fit in if some guy has sex with you. That isn't acceptance, that is being used for another person's sexual gratification.
I suspect that a part of this is also that you know it is wrong to have sex with a girl, but you still have the impulse to sin, so you see being sexual with another boy as being "safer." There is an attraction to things that you know are wrong. "Stolen water is sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant" (Proverbs 9:17). The reason you find homosexual pornography more attractive is because you see it as more wrong that heterosexual pornography, even though all pornography is wrong.
A good portion of the problem is the labeling you've done to your own actions. You decided that the things you like are "girlish," mostly because others teased you. But children have a strong tendency to be cruel and tease anyone with the slightest difference. If there is no difference, they will make something up so that they can tease. In essence you are letting a bunch of silly children label who you are.
I know the labeling you've done is false because you have a girlfriend. She likes you! That means she sees you as a man -- a man who is special because he treats her with respect. You discount this obvious fact because you are focusing on your sin.
Ultimately, the problem is self-feeding. You get yourself stirred up with pornography, which increases your production of semen. But this leaves you with a stronger desire for sex, so you look at pornography as you relieve yourself through masturbation and the cycle repeats.
The first step in breaking any habit is recognizing that it needs to change. Don't fill your mind with garbage because it is going to affect what you do (Mark 7:21-23). See: Lies Pornography Tells Men.
The second step is then to end the pornography. Delete all your bookmarks. Install a web filter, such as K9 Web Protection on all your computers and phones and have someone else hold the key so it is hard to remove. It isn't perfect, but it should slow you down enough that perhaps you'll think before acting.
The third step is to allow yourself to masturbate, but not with pornography. Your body is still producing semen and you have to relieve yourself at times. It won't be as thrilling as when you do it with pornography and it won't be as often, but it won't be sinful either.