This is really hard for me to speak about. I never really told anyone and it's 3:30 am. I'm just listening to worship music trying to feel alive, but something is just always there nagging at me, putting me down because of my sins. I go online and start searching for how to change my sinful ways, hoping I can find answers.
I've been trapped watching gay porn since I was 13 when I got curious. The thing is I don't ever picture myself with another man. I desire women. I want to be in relationship with a woman and have children. But this watching gay porn and even sometimes fantasize about men comes to my mind. I know what I'm doing is wrong. I know God has great plans for me. But this sin is holding me back, and I'm tired. I just don't know what to do.
It's come to a point I just don't care anymore but obviously I do. I ask myself why did God choose me to go through this? Why me? I know many others go through this but me?
I love God, I really do. I love worshiping and I know that's the place where God wants me. I just been away from it because I know what I'm doing. I feel bad worshiping and knowing what I'm doing. I feel like a hypocrite. I been in church since I could remember. Always wanting to join the worship team.
I don't know what to do! Read the Bible? Pray? Done it and I've seen changes, I really have. I've been touched by God as well, but slowly I dig another hole and I'm back to square one. I know this might be a battle for the rest of my life that I will have to deal with, but it's really hard.
And, no lie, after confessing all this maybe not by mouth but as I type and think what I say makes me feel good knowing I'm at least trying to reach out to change and get help. So in God's name I pray! I'm sending this confession really not knowing where it's going. I just found this web site and hoping you can use someone to reply back and hear your own words being translated by you. Please, as your son, I'm here to hear what you have to say by whoever replies. I'm crying and aching. I'm here waiting. In God name we shout! Amen!
For whoever replies, thank you very much! God bless you.
Let's make this simplier. A part of the difficulty you are having is not just the pornography, but the fact that you find yourself pulled to gay pornography. It makes you doubt yourself and your convictions. In part it paralyzes you in fear of what "might be" so you find it better not to face it, but then it doesn't get resolved.
So, I'm just going to say it: Just because pornography involving homosexuals gets you sexually excited, it doesn't mean you are homosexual. There can be complex reason why a guy ends up looking at gay porn. As examples:
- A guy strongly knows that it is wrong to lust after a woman. So he avoids looking at women's bodies. But male bodies are all right because he knows he won't be having sex with a male. So he starts looking at guys fooling around and finds himself turned on. It doesn't take long before he's hooked.
- It is more by coincidence but about the time he is developing, a guy first runs into gay pornography. He finds himself erect and then ejaculating to what he sees. He goes back later to see if it will happen again, and it does. Again it doesn't take long to get hooked.
- A guy looks at porn, but he is curious about gay porn, so he looks. Because he knows it is wrong, it adds extra excitment and he gets a strong response from his body. Over time, he gets into the habit of looking at what he knows isn't good to view.
I don't know where the start was with you, but it really doesn't matter. The simple answer is that pornography is wrong. It doesn't matter the type. "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God" (I Thessalonians 4:3-5). "Passion of lust" refers to passionate things that excites lust in a person, which would include pornography.
Therefore, the first step is to stop looking at pornography. Period. Now, the problem you will face is that you have a long habit of using pornography to stir up your body sexually so that you can masturbate. Therefore, every time your seminal vesicles get full, your impulse is to go look at porn so you can relieve yourself. Perhaps you haven't even notice the connection, but it is there.
One mistake young men often make is to decide that they will quit pornography by no longer ejaculating. The problem is that you can't turn off the glands that produce semen just by a decision. It would be equivalent to someone deciding they are no longer going to pee. They might last a while, but eventually something is going to give because the bladder can only hold so much. In the same (though slower), the seminal vesicles can only hold so much and if you ignore the need to ejaculate too long, you eventually start doing odd and embarrassing things. It is your body demanding relief and taking control of the situation. You might find yourself pulling up porn and pulling down your pants without really realizing what you are doing. You might find yourself masturbating, all the while telling yourself you shouldn't doing this, but you can't make your hands stop. It is like screaming behind a glass wall and your body isn't listening to you.
The Bible doesn't call the act of mastubation right or wrong. It hints that it exists, but what makes it right or wrong is what accompanies the masturbation. See: Is masturbation sinful or not? So instead of telling you not to masturbate, I merely want you to no longer look at porn. If you have an urge to look at porn, you get away from your computer or phone and relieve yourself. Once you finish ejaculating you will find your desire to see porn disappear for a while. The most difficult part of this is that you won't be as sexually aroused, so masturbating isn't going to be as pleasurable or exciting. It is a price worth paying to not sin.
It takes a while, but if you work at it hard for a month or two, you are going to find that the impulse to look at porn will diminish and your memories of what you saw will start to fade. It is at this point you can start working on controling your thoughts while you are masturbating. Again, it takes effort, but it is doable. And again, masturbating without sexual thoughts is not as thrilling, but it is better than lusting after sinful things.
When that is basically mastered, you can then start working on spacing out how often you need to masturbate. Most guys who are into porn masturbate more often than they physically need to. So once you have control over yourself, you start skipping a day here and there to extend the time between ejaculations. You don't do it all at once or try to see how long you can last. But over time you will begin to find a rhythm in regards to how often you need to ejaculate to keep your thoughts clear.
It is a process that takes time because you are breaking a habit that is tied to a strong physical impulse.