The Boys' Growing Up in the Lord

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Hi, Jeff.

I'm new to your site, and I would like to ask you a couple of questions, if you don't mind.

I have found that while my stance on masturbation was similar to yours (I couldn't find anything against or for it), I've found so many resources that lean one way or the other, and I have never understood why I needed it (in the past I've used it as a response to sexual thoughts, which contributed to me shunning it as a sin). That said, recently I've been swarmed by a lot of sexual temptation, and I've found myself often half-awake attempting to masturbate for reasons I didn't know. Yesterday, I decided to look around on Google to see if a Christian site could explain what was going on with me, and I found your site.

After gaining some understanding from your resources about what causes the influx of sexual thoughts, and that wet dreams are the male body's way of getting rid of excess semen, I figured that I would try masturbating while awake instead of waiting for a wet dream. I did this because I would often wake up half asleep in the middle of the night and notice I was trying to masturbate; before reading your resources, I initially believed my body was attempting to seek pleasure, but after looking at your site and learning how wet dreams work, I decided against waiting for them to happen. I would prefer to have control over when ejaculations happen, and I think that in my half-awake state, there is a point where I feel like I'm seeking pleasure instead of getting rid of a semen buildup.

I would like to know how else I can shape my view of masturbation so that I can use it as a way of fighting against sin. I want to commit myself to doing this only as a means to get rid of semen so that I can diminish the amount of temptation I encounter.

The most pressing concern I have right now is knowing if I should enjoy doing the act or not.
Yesterday, I masturbated with the intent of dumping excess semen, and found the experience to be somewhat pleasurable, so my fear is that I will enslave myself to the process and do it solely for pleasure, as I've done in the past, instead of using it as a means to alleviate temptation. But at the same time, I can't deny that masturbating felt good. Is it wrong to enjoy masturbating if I know the pleasure I'm experiencing was mainly intended to be shared with my future wife? Is it possible for me to use masturbating as a way to clear my mind so I have a better chance at serving God, while also enjoying the positive feelings I get from doing it, so long as I use it only when I face many sexual temptations and suspect a semen buildup?

Also, what should my approach be to experimenting? Ideally, I want to be done with masturbating and getting rid of excess semen as soon as possible, so I want to find the fastest way to get the act over with before I am tempted to do something sinful. But finding a way to get me to orgasm faster may also involve me getting more pleasure from the act. Seeing as I don't want to find myself doing this solely for pleasure, is it wrong to try and find other ways to masturbate so I can finish the act earlier, or should I stick with what I know just to avoid the additional temptations?

Lastly, I would like to know: if I choose to commit myself to masturbating to get rid of semen, and thus additional temptation, I would like to explain this to my future wife so that she knows my past. I intend to explain to my future girlfriend/wife my past when it comes to sex so that she knows my struggles and she knows how to help me evade sin, and I would hope that she does the same for me so that I know how to help her. When do I tell her these things? While we are still dating, or when we are married? How should she ideally respond to the knowledge of my past, and how should she ideally respond to me masturbating? Are there things that I should not tell her (i.e. a trick to making me aroused easier that I happened to find while masturbating)?

Thank you for reading this email, and thank you for setting up this site. It helps to know that I am not the only one who struggles with how I should view sex, and knowing that my body needs to release semen and may rely on masturbating as a means to that end helps a lot; I always thought that whenever that happened, I was simply seeking pleasure.


If you are hungry and you eat a good meal, it is enjoyable, but you don't worry about becoming a glutton because you enjoyed the meal. If you are thirsty, a glass of water feels really good. If you think about it, every need of the body gives pleasure when that need is met. The only difference with ejaculating is that the pleasure is more intense.

It isn't the pleasure that makes something wrong. The danger with pleasure is that it can distract you from paying attention to what is right and wrong. Typically, when the pleasure is the primary focus, that is when the danger of being led into sin is the greatest. Thus, when a person chases after the pleasure of good tasting food he might be tempted into becoming a glutton. When a guy chases after the pleasure of orgasm, he might get caught up in pornography or fornication.

Just stick to what you know works for you. There is no need to chase after ways to masturbate.

When you get married, you'll no longer need masturbation except in some rare instances, such as long business trips or your wife being ill.

You make it sound like masturbation is a rare thing. Nearly all guys masturbate or have wet dreams. It simply is a part of being a guy. After you are married, you should discuss the fact that you need to ejaculate periodically and your wife should know roughly how often that need comes up. She will tell you about her cycles as well: menstruation, mood swings, etc. It is a part of learning to live with each other. And, yes, after marriage both you should be discussing what you find arousing, but you will also be learning new things that you never realized were fun before. But the fact that you ejaculate is not sinful.