I'm 15. I'm not trying to be offensive in any way when asking this question, but I have no other way to express it than to just come out and say it. I understand things like porn and masturbation are wrong but straight porn doesn't turn me on at all. The thought of kissing a girl is actually quite repulsive. The thought of having sex with a girl or engaging in sexual acts with a girl just seems wrong.
But I have kissed a boy before (yes, I understand homosexuality is a sin) and I felt something. When I have watched gay porn in the past I am "turned on" and it makes me ashamed. I actually remember being 6 or 7 and feeling sexual things toward other boys and wanting to kiss them even then.
It just seems like I cant be straight and this scares me so much and I pray about it but it just doesn't help. I don't know what to do. If i were to come out it would ruin my life and I would go to hell. But I just can't see myself falling in love with a woman, but I can with a man.
Masturbation is one of those things that by itself is neither right or wrong. It can be used in a wrong way, but the action itself is not necessarily wrong. Pornography, however, is something different. It is wrong because it creates lust for sex between people who are not married. See:
Pornography warps a person's view about other people and about sex itself. You've fallen into that trap yourself.
The mechanism for arousal is complex, involving both the body and the mind. On the body side, it is touch, heart rate, and blood pressure that affects an erection. The higher the heart rate and blood pressure, the stronger the erections you get. What causes the complications is that your mind also can affect your heart rate and blood pressure. When you are comfortable with someone, the heart rate goes down. When you are nervous, such as knowing you are doing something wrong, your heart rate goes up. Novelty also creates stronger reactions. Along with this, knowing you are doing something wrong adds excitement as adrenaline flows through your body. "Stolen water is sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant" (Proverbs 9:17).
Your body doesn't really care what turns it on, so long as it is able to have an orgasm. It responds to sexual situations of any sort. But it is with your mind that you decide what sexual situations you participate in. The problem is that you have fallen into a trap of rating your sexual responses based on the strength of your arousal. Instead of your mind leading, you have your body making decisions, which is a good way to lose yourself. Instead of taking a straight path to a righteous life you are zig-zagging toward whatever feels good at the moment, regardless of the ultimate outcome. "Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life. Put away from you a deceitful mouth, and put perverse lips far from you. Let your eyes look straight ahead, and your eyelids look right before you. Ponder the path of your feet, and let all your ways be established. Do not turn to the right or the left; remove your foot from evil" (Proverbs 4:23-27).
When it comes to moral choices, the question is never "What turns me on at the moment." It is always, "What is right in the eyes of God." Our feelings can far too easily be wrong. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10).
Now even though your body was designed to one day have sex with your wife, you decided that such a thing is wrong. Right and wrong has never been an individual decision. It is not even a human decision. "O LORD, I know the way of man is not in himself; it is not in man who walks to direct his own steps" (Jeremiah 10:23). God created this world, including you and I, and He is the source of what is right. To invert what God has established is nothing more than an attempt to put yourself in the place of God. Such never works. "Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil; who put darkness for light, and light for darkness; who put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter! Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes, and prudent in their own sight!" (Isaiah 5:20-21). "Seems wrong" doesn't mean it is wrong.
One of the tendency people have in justifying their position is to rewrite the past in terms of today's beliefs. You talked about having sexual feelings toward boys at the age of 6 or 7. When you state this I know you are expressing a falsehood, even if you sincerely believe your statement. At such an age, you would not have reached puberty. Sexual feelings don't exist at that age. Therefore, I can conclude that you are taking your current feelings and ascribing them to events in your past.
You ended your note asking for help. It is an expression of acknowledging that you know what you are doing to yourself is wrong. To change, it begins with accepting the truth. Not your feelings, not your desires, but an honest look at who you are and why God put you in this world. "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction" (Proverbs 1:7).
Thank you. This has really helped. However, for some strong reason I'll start thinking about a life in the future with a man. Like as a husband or a boyfriend and this just feels right to me. Other guys seem disgusted by this thought, but this is all I seem to want. I want to honor and serve God but these thoughts not only don't go away they get worse.
Though you claimed it "helped." You ignored what was pointed out to you. You continue to state that right and wrong are an individual's choice, which it is not. It is impossible for something to be right for one person and wrong for another. Right and wrong is defined by God, not by your personal feelings.
While you state you want to honor and serve God, you insist on wanting a life that is contrary to God's laws. "But why do you call Me 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do the things which I say?" (Luke 6:46). Since God's laws are good for people (Deuteronomy 10:12-13) and homosexuality is against God's laws (Romans 1:26-27), the logical conclusion is that homosexuality contains inherent harm. See: Don't you dare change my mind, but why is homosexuality bad? Following after your own lusts gives no honor to God.
I hope one day you'll decide to leave this sin behind.