The Boys' Growing Up in the Lord

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Question

Good day sir,

I was troubled yesterday and came across your web site. This is the issue: I have been lusting for a girl for a very long time now. We worship in the same church. We been a little bit close. I am older than her by a few years. I now want to approach her and tell her about the feelings I have been having for her. I always visualize her positively. I can see her and me living together as a couple. I daydream about this often but never imaging having sex with her because I know it is a sin. I am always wishing we will live together as one in the future.

I would like to know:

  1. Is my vitualization is sinful? I can control myself but it is difficult.
  2. I have made up my mind to meet and tell her how I feel about her. What would you advise concerning that? I don't want to act as a kid anymore. I would like to have my mind settled when it comes to me and her.

Futhermore, I have been texting to her about once a month but not sending real love messages.

I have not had sex with any girl in my life becasue of my fear of God, but I have gone astray in other forms of sexual immorality. Presently I have changed and made up my mind not to indulge in any form again, and God helping me.

Thanks in anticipation.


Answer

"Lust" is when you are imagining yourself doing sinful things and telling yourself that those things are not so bad. What you are describing is a desire to be with a person. It is a strong desire, but it isn't lust since you are keeping those thoughts away from sinful behaviors.

Since no one is a mind reader (I Corinthians 2:11), the best thing to do is to ask her if she would be willing to consider you as a possible boyfriend and future husband. The hardest part of this is not the asking, but the dread of being rejected. However, she cannot know your thoughts until you tell her. You cannot know her answer until after you ask. You just have show some courage and steel yourself to accept whatever answer she might give.

It is good to hear that you are making improvements in your life. Keep up the battle against Satan. "Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places" (Ephesians 6:10-12).

Thanks sir,

I really appreciate your response. I have told her that I would like us to be together in the near future as one. She was OK with it and said, "If it is the will of God for us to be together, then it will be."

I found out that she does not really want to fall victim to sexual abuse or perhaps she had her heart broken before; I just can't tell.

In conclusion, she said she would call me her darling. Even though she says she loves me, she asked me to come and meet her people. I laughed over it.

Sir, I am a student and will want her in the future. That is why I am pursuing her. With her response now, I am kind of confused because I can't go and meet her people now. It is funny, but if she will really be my lifemate, we will be married. My fear is someone asking her before me no longer bothers me. Maybe I will let her go with time. Please, I need your advice. I, too, am not ready to be hurt by a girl.

Thanks in anticipation.

I'm glad you found the courage to talk to her. I don't know when you plan to marry her, but it would be reasonable for you to meet her family and in your discussions with them discuss exactly when you would like for the marriage to take place. But if you are not yet certain that you do want to marry her, then be clear to her that you would like to talk with her and get to know her as a person better before the two of you make your final decisions. For that matter, you can also make that clear to her family.

It is reasonable, especially these days, to be concern that a guy is not looking for sex under the guise of a proposed marriage. Too many today are doing this. Thus, you should suggest that you will spend time with her in public places or invite one of her siblings or friends to go with you so that the possibility of bad behavior cannot arise.

Essentially, I take it that this woman wants to only deal with a man who is serious about her. It is a reasonable request, but it is also reasonable to state that you need to know her better before you can make a commitment.