The Boys' Growing Up in the Lord

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Question

Am I still a virgin even if a girl gave me a hand job for 20 to 25 seconds without ejaculation on my part from her doing so? I never engaged in oral or any penetration of sex. I'm honestly am wondering and looking for a straight biblical answer, since virgin means to be sexually pure.


Answer

Sin tends to be progressive. We excuse our behavior because "nothing bad has happened yet;" by this people mean that a boy hasn't put his penis in, or that he hasn't ejaculated inside a girl, or that she hasn't gotten pregnant -- all depending on how far a person wants to excuse his behavior. You see, if you are willing to let a girl put her hands where they don't belong, what is going to stop the two of you from going a bit farther next time? If each time you go just a little bit farther, logic says eventually you will be engaging in full intercourse.

Because there is a progression, I can be highly certain that this wasn't the first act of inappropriate touching. I would suspect that you weren't appropriately clothed since she had access to your penis. This sin didn't start with her hand on your penis.

Next, let's take a look at what God has said about your behavior. "Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband" (I Corinthians 7:1-2). By "touch" Paul is not saying a man and woman cannot hold hands or give a chaste "goodnight" kiss, he is stating the men and woman should not touch each other in sexual ways. It is a phrase found several times in the Old Testament:

"But Abimelech had not come near her; and he said, "Lord, will You slay a righteous nation also?" (Genesis 20:4).

"So is he who goes in to his neighbor's wife; whoever touches her shall not be innocent" (Proverbs 6:29).

The fact of the matter is that you engaged in sexual touch. While it hasn't yet reached full sexual intercourse, it is still a sin because it is taking place outside of marriage. Put it in another context and you will probably agree. Just imagine that five years from now you marry this girl and one day you walk in and find her hands on another man's penis, would you accept her plea: "But honey, nothing really happened!"? I can't imagine any sane man accepting this situation, so what is the problem?

Sexual touch isn't independent of sexual thought and feelings. It inflames sexual desire. "Beloved, I beg you as sojourners and pilgrims, abstain from fleshly lusts which war against the soul" (I Peter 2:11). Those engaged in sexual touch are thinking about sex, but not in the context of marriage. The thought of committing a sin is equally as bad as the actual act. "But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:28). You may not have put your penis into your girlfriend yet, but I guarantee that the thought crossed your mind. What she is doing is reducing your will to resist when the opportunity comes to go all the way. As I said, it is a progression. "You've gone this far, going a little bit farther is no different." By providing sexual stimulation, she is building your emotional response to go along with her and away from righteousness.

"For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one should take advantage of and defraud his brother in this matter, because the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also forewarned you and testified" (I Thessalonians 4:3-6). Through passion and lust, this girl is taking advantage of you. She may claim to love you, but what she really loves is the sexual excitement you bring to her. "Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth" (I Corinthians 13:4-6). Massaging your penis is not an act of true love when you two are not married.

Are you still a virgin? The English definition of the word is "a person who has never had sex." For some that means never having your penis in a girl's vagina, but technically you have already started down the road. How far down it must you walk and still be able to say you haven't walked that path? The reality is does it matter? "For He who said, "Do not commit adultery," also said, "Do not murder." Now if you do not commit adultery, but you do murder, you have become a transgressor of the law. So speak and so do as those who will be judged by the law of liberty" (James 2:11-12). Just because you can state you haven't committed one type of sin, it doesn't mean that no sin has been committed. You need to make amends with God. He will forgive you. "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (I John 1:9). You've made a grave error. Don't compound it. Acknowledge it and run in the other direction back to your loving Father.

In other words, I don't want you to get wrapped up in technicalities. Whether you are a virgin or not is a minor point compared to whether you have sinned or not. By most people's definition of "virgin," you are still a virgin, but you have not been sexually pure.

Thanks for the response.