Hello, good evening.
I turned 20 recently. I live with great sadness and sorrow. I have a strange addiction, which I am still battling: pornography, masturbation and fornication. Let's just say all kinds of sexual immorality.
I didn't introduce myself to this. At an early age, somewhere between 4 and 6, I was abused and used as a sex toy by my maid. I didn't know the implication then, neither did I know what was going on. As early as 8 years old, I found myself involve in all these habits. I didn't know the seed my maid planted in my heart began to grow. This has been going on for nearly all my life because I started adding and cultivating more habits. I got involved in oral sex, kissing, and everything I had experienced when young. At 14 I had moved to homosexuality because I was in an all boys' school, but I only did that once. I promised God I wasn't going to try that again.
The love for pornography and immorality drives me crazy. It's stripping me of everything I have: my intelligence, brilliance, and knowledge. I am so dumb now that I can't read and pass tests comfortably, as I could in my primary school days. I gave my life to Christ a few years ago, but it didn't stop me from giving in to my habits and addictions.
All these are still going on, but what keeps me raging is that I lost my virginity to a prostitute at the age of 18. I did that without a condom and while she was on her period. The fear of having HIV made me run back to God, but I tell you it has never looked as if I have been saved. I don't have that witness within. I don't know what to do at the moment. I have rededicated my life often but to no avail. I am so ashamed. I am so terrible that I feel unworthy every moment of my life. Guilt is killing me. Fear of HIV and an unknown future too kills me. I try to move forward, but I just can't. My focus and determination is poor. When I try, I fall back into porn and fornication with the same prostitute because she gives it to me for free. In the last month made several vows that I will serve God, and even stood up for altar call, only to fall way back again in fornication.
I want to hate the female gender with a passion and have nothing to do with them. I want to be free. Can God really give me a new beginning, heal me and forgive me without remembering my past? At some point I started using the abuse as a child as an excuse and was knowingly sinning. Sometimes it comes as a trigger when I am angry, depressed, or lonely. I'm tired of life. Death is inevitable. I'm giving up slowly. Please help me.
I know you see it as a strange addiction, but sadly your story is all too common. The details vary, but you aren't the only young man facing these temptations and sins. "No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it" (I Corinthians 10:13).
We can't undo your childhood. We can't erase your memories of what was done to you, nor of all the sins you've been involved in. However, you still have full control of your body. You can determine what you do with your body and not let its desires control your behavior.
The problem is that you never learned to tell yourself "no" because no one has taught you how to control your desire for sex. It won't be easy, but it can be done. A lot depends on your determination and your willingness to keep trying, even if you momentarily fail -- not that you should plan on failing. "For a righteous man falls seven times, and rises again, but the wicked stumble in time of calamity" (Proverbs 24:16).
Here is where we are going to start: There are several things I want you to read to give you the background information that you need:
By the time you finish these, you should realize that while masturbation is not a sin, it is a sin to look at pornography. Therefore, the first task before you is to learn that when you need to ejaculate, that you relieve yourself without searching out pornography. While it is easy to say, you'll find it difficult to do this consitently at first; however, it is essential gain control over yourself.
I hope it is also clear that you can no longer visit a prostitute to relieve yourself. If you need to ejaculate, you will have to take care of that matter by yourself.
Thus, the next task is to also visit your doctor and get yourself thoroughly tested for all sexually transmitted diseases, not just HIV. Follow any treatment your doctor prescribes, so that this stress is no longer a part of your life.