The Boys' Growing Up in the Lord

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Question

Is it wrong to hold or cuddle with a woman without sexual intent?

I've recently cuddled a female for the first time. I specifically told her I only want to be friends and not engage in any sexual behavior or lose my virginity. However, I did say cuddling would be fine if she doesn't do anything or pull anything. We cuddled, and I had received a boner, but it was not from sexual intent nor the thought of sexual desire. I believe my past use of pornography caused a grave sin of becoming erect so quickly, so it was definitely not intentional at all. I told her I was erect, and I sincerely apologized. I told her to ignore it, and that is was not a sign of anything, I avoided brushing up against her from the waist down.

Holding someone made my lifetime of loneliness disappear. We laid down together, patiently and quietly, with no words. We simply just napped. She showed me all the different kinds of cuddling positions. I told her I was comfortable as long as no boundaries are broken. It wasn't until we cuddled up sitting up that we ended up randomly slowly swinging side to side. It may have turned her on because she slowly grinded against me without my knowledge. She later apologized and I told her I had no clue, I felt no sexual sensation or urge. I politely told her to not do it again. I simply just want to hold her in a clean and non-sexual way. I was erect probably the whole time, but I couldn't feel it. I didn't have any urge, but I feel extremely bad that she had to lay on it even though she stated she didn't feel it. We simply cuddled and no kissing went on. She gave me a clean back massage and said I was tense and had knots. I dropped her off, and she thanked for talking with her and giving her some cuddles.

Is it okay to keep continuing clean cuddles if there is nothing more sexual than me being erect? It doesn't change the fact that I will not have sex with her. I will save it for marriage and that is final, but it felt good holding someone simply for clean reasons and just feeling accepted, warm, and having someone listen to me and care about me as a friend.


Answer

The problem that occurs when people search for the boundary between good and bad is that they tell themselves that nothing bad happened last time, so it must be all right. Yes, it sounds like nothing bad happened this time. But there is a reason Paul warned, "Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman" (I Corinthians 7:1). When people are sexually aroused, they have a tendency not to think clearly. When it comes time to make decisions, they will tend to follow their emotions.

What bothers me most in your note is that you state that you were erect -- an indication that you saw this as a potentially sexual situation, but claimed that you felt no sexual sensation. You also noted that your girlfriend was sexually aroused. Denying the evidence will be a danger in the future because things like this tend to progress. "Nothing bad happened last time" becomes a reason to try doing a bit more. It continues to creep until self-control is lost.

I'm glad you behaved yourself, but be aware of the creep of sin.

Correct. I was erect because of my complication of pornography in the past with what I struggled with. I can become erect even if I'm not sexually aroused. I could be feeling happy or nothing at all. I think it's a curse.

She's not my girlfriend. We're simply friends, and I did warn her beforehand I may be erect. but she didn't feel it at all until the point we started moving side to side. I told her I have no intent of any sexual activities and she completely understands.

I'm just asking if cuddling is not right because I am touching a woman, not for wicked reasons but to fill in my void of loneliness in my life since I've never been with a woman before or so close to one for so long. I would like to continue clean cuddling but maybe it's best to stop because it's not right to stop a woman, right? Our clothes were kept on as well and we made sure no private parts were touching each other.

What do you think regarding a physical friendly hug? I am touching a woman but it is only for a few seconds and for the feeling of being wanted, cared for, and felt I belong in that friendship.

Thank you so much for answering my questions, it really means a lot.

Do you have any tips how to avoid fornication? Sometimes I find the devil giving me temptations that sexual intercourse with a woman would be a pleasure far more imaginable beyond anything. But I don't want that and I want to wait until marriage.

I am struggling on how to pray and how to communicate with God and Jesus and I have difficulties reading the old Bible. Do you have any tips? I appreciate it a lot.

All guys get erect frequently, especially when they are young men. It take very little to set off an erection. Thus, you are not cursed, nor is you problem due to your past pornography watching. Watching pornography is wrong because it stimulates lust for sin and it warps your view of other people. See: A Look at Pornography.

There is nothing wrong with a quick hug between friends, but what you described before was not a quick contact. She was also rubbing herself against your body, which was not right. By the way, if a woman is leading you down the wrong path, it is necessary for you to say "no!"

If you don't wish to reach a certain city, you don't start walking the road that leads to that city. If you don't want to end up committing fornication, you don't start down the path that leads to it. That is why Paul said, "Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman" (I Corinthians 7:1). If you don't arouse your passion for sex, then you won't have as much concern about committing the act of sex.

The temptation regarding intercourse exists because you don't know what sex will be like. Your imagination tells you it will be beyond wonderful, but your imagination has no limits. Don't let your emotions lead you into sin. God knows what is best for us, so stick to His ways and you'll be safe.

In regards to communicating with God, see: Communication between God and Man.

Are you having trouble reading the Bible in an older language or reading the Old Testament part of the Bible?