I'm having issues. Ever since I moved, my relationship with God has been getting worse. It all started one day when I got in a fight with someone. My mom got scared and sent me to my rich Christian relatives. I go to church every Sunday, although I hate it a lot. Their version of Christianity is one I absolutely hate -- so much that I have visions about Jesus coming into my room at night and telling me that I am worthless and need to die.
Recently, which is my main concern, I was talking to one of my friends through text. He sent me this comic he was drawing of a wolf girl. One day she loses it and eats all of her packmates. It's all bloody and gorey and it showed her just disgustingly eating all of them and getting bigger and fatter. That violently turns me on with the violence and her dominance and stuff. I keep touching myself to pictures of her and it makes me realize how sick I truly am. What is it I should do?
I just want to know what makes me attracted to that sort of all things. All the other boys my age are attracted to the stereotypical long-haired bimbo. I find myself totally lost in that character. Maybe it's because I have no friends and I really relate to her in general regarding the hatred of others around me. It's just so stupid, but she means a lot to me. I don't know what to do about that.
The reason why I relate to her so much is because we live similar lives. She gets emotionally abused by her brother, hates herself because everyone calls her weird, and she is isolated 24/7. One day she snaps. I'm not saying I'm going to snap the same way, but I understand why she did. Weird emotions over come me every time I see her, and I hate it but love it at the same time.
I'm going to make a guess. It might be wrong, but I suspect it is close to the truth. I would like to hear back from you.
The facts that you have been getting violent with people and that your found a violent comic sexually arousing tells me that you look poorly on yourself (which fits with the dreams of being worthless). Thus, you counter it with desires to dominate other people. You want others to fear you because you see that as making you significant.
Solomon warns about those who try to use violence to get their way: "My son, do not walk in the way with them. Keep your feet from their path, for their feet run to evil and they hasten to shed blood. Indeed, it is useless to spread the baited net in the sight of any bird; but they lie in wait for their own blood; they ambush their own lives. So are the ways of everyone who gains by violence; it takes away the life of its possessors" (Proverbs 1:15-19).
I'm glad you recognize that something is wrong. That is the first step gaining control of yourself. Therefore, the first step is to stop indulging your desire for violence. Things like violence becomes self-feeding and tends to increase. Therefore, get rid of the comic and stop playing any violent video games. At first you'll wonder what to do with yourself, but it won't be long before you find better forms of entertainment.
The second thing I would like you to do is talk to your school counselor and ask about getting some help from a psychiatrist or psychologist. I'm not fans of these professions, but they do have their place and you need another viewpoint to help you sort through the issues in your life.
The third thing I will suggest is that you talk with someone religious whom you trust on a regular basis. You need help refocusing your moral compass.