The Boys' Growing Up in the Lord

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Chapter 7

Getting (too) Close

Why do people kiss?

            One day, the girl that you are dating will expect you to give her a kiss. Who knows - you may even want to give her a kiss. I wonder who started this kissing business anyway? What does it accomplish? I can't tell you everything about kissing, but I'll tell you a few facts. Kissing is a very old custom. No one has placed a date as to when it started. No matter when it started, it is something men and women who really like each other are expected to do.

            Kissing requires getting very close. You would only let people that you really liked and trusted to get that close to you. Therefore, kissing expresses trust in the other person. Kissing is a way of expressing tender feelings for another person. Parents kiss their children to let them know that they love them. Couples, who are in love, frequently kiss to express their feelings.

            When should you kiss a girl? Well, don't do it just to be doing. When you find yourself truly caring for the girl, then give her a kiss to let her know what you think. If your date hesitates or backs off, don't push it. It means that she hasn't developed the same feelings toward you yet. Sometimes a girl hesitates because of an earlier bad experience with another boy. Some boys use kissing to make a girl believe that they really care for her. In reality, all they are interested in is encouraging them to let down their guard long enough so that they can have sex with them.

            Kissing is appropriate after you have dated a girl for a few times. Give her a short kiss when you drop her off to say goodnight. Save frequent kisses for the time when you think this girl may be the one you will want to marry. Don't use kisses as a way to get a girl to like you.


            While kissing is a way of saying "I love you," there is a danger in not stopping there. As you become more familiar with a girl, there is a great temptation to take additional liberties. Don't expect your date to draw the line; she is facing the same temptations. I don't mean to imply that people jump from kissing to having sex all at once. If that were the case, it would be easier to resist Satan's temptations. Instead, the temptation is always to go just a little bit farther than you did on the last date.

            Ecclesiastes 3:5 tells us that there is a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing. The thing you need to learn is when those times are. Kisses, hugs, and embraces that let your girlfriend know that you care for her are fine. However, when they become passionate and whet your appetite for sex you have gone too far. If you have any doubts about how far that is, just listen to your own body. If kissing or hugging brings on an erection, you are treading into dangerous territory. Reconsider your actions and act more chastely with your girlfriend. Paul warned Timothy in I Timothy 5:22 to keep himself pure. You cannot continually flirt with temptations and not expect to eventually be burned by sin. Paul realized the dangers that one's own desires can lead a person into. That is why Paul said in I Corinthians 9:27 that he constantly kept himself under subjection.

            If you allow your passions to flare and do not restrain yourself, you may find yourself committing fornication. Do you remember the definition of fornication? Fornication is having sex with a woman outside of marriage. Recall that fornication is a sin that is committed against your own body (I Corinthians 6:18-20). We are plainly told in I Thessalonians 4:3-4 to abstain from fornication by knowing how to hold our bodies in honor. Fornication should never be associated with Christians.

But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints.; neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. For this you know, that no fornicator, unclean person, nor covetous man who is an idolater, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Ephesians 5:3-5

Filthiness is obscene or shameful speech. Foolish talking is talk that is absurd, stupid or dull. Coarse jesting are vulgar jokes.

            Some of you may not believe me. You may think being aroused feels good, so you and your girlfriend will purposely simulate such feelings in each other. You may convince yourself that you can stop long before things get really serious. In the early days of your going out with her, it was easy to stop. However, what you don't notice is that each time the stroking of each other lasts a bit longer than it did before. It isn't as much fun unless you get each other aroused to a higher level of sexual desire. Most men and women don't realize that such fondling is a part of sex. It is called foreplay. It doesn't matter if you fondle each other with your clothes on or not. Fondling still increases your desire for sexual release and prepares your body for having sexual intercourse. Already you have entered Satan's realm of sin since you are furthering your desire to have sex outside of marriage. Fornication is wrong. It is a sin. Wanting to commit fornication is also a sin. This sin is called lust.

            Once you are aroused, your body begins producing semen in large quantities for eventual ejaculation. You probably can stop before you reach that point, but it will leave you feeling bloated and uncomfortable. Now you have two problems: your body wants to continue so it can release the semen it has produced and your body "punishes" you if you try to stop. Don't let yourself get anywhere close to this point! If for some reason, you remained stubborn and let yourself get to this point, stop immediately! Put up with the bloated feeling and take your girlfriend to her home as quickly as you can, even if it is earlier than you had planned. Learn your lesson and behave more chastely from now on. If your girlfriend asks, explain to her that the fondling is too stimulating. Admit you don't feel you could restrain yourself if you continue much longer. If she is a decent girl, she should understand. She probably was struggling with the same problem.

            Some will not heed their own bodies' warnings. They will continue to stroke and fondle each other often to the point of orgasm. Just as you are sometimes stimulated in your dreams at night to the point of ejaculating semen, you and your girlfriend can stimulate each other to a sexual frenzy. Usually, orgasm is accompanied by the release of semen. Ejaculating into your own clothes is messy as well as embarrassing when the dark stains appear.

            There are many misconceptions about how far you can go without going too far. Many couples gauge their love for each other by how far they can stimulate passions in each other. Love has nothing to do with sexual lust. Remember one aspect of true love is that it thinks no evil. Fondling each other to the point where you can't think of anything else but completing the act of sex, although you are not married, is a sin. If you truly loved someone, you would not subject them to such a sin.

            Many people feel that as long as a pregnancy does not occur, their actions are justified. We have already shown the fallacy of this idea, but I would like to go over a few ways people think they can "safely" get too close.

            "If we keep our underwear on, its all right."

            The problem here is: what will prevent you from going further later? With so little clothing on your bodies, it is very tempting to just go a little bit further. Of course, we still have the fact that we are dealing with the sin of lasciviousness (lust for sex outside of marriage). Just because you avoid copulation (inserting your penis into the woman) doesn't mean that you are sinless.

            You may not realize it, but even clothed, it is still possible to get a girl pregnant. Many cases have been documented where girls found themselves with child and never copulated with a boy. Pregnancy will occur if one of your sperm unites with a girl's egg. It doesn't matter how the sperm gets into the girl's vagina. Couples who excite themselves to the point that the boy ejaculates usually continue to fondle each other afterwards. A finger, with even a small amount of semen on it, in a girl's vagina, is sufficient to give a possibility of pregnancy. In addition, just because it didn't happen the previous time does not guarantee that it won't happen the next time.

            Another problem is that underwear is a very poor barrier to semen; it soaks right through. Since couples who are engaged in fondling each other are usually pressed close together, it is very likely that the boy's semen will soak into the girl's panties. Even if the semen doesn't immediately reach the vagina, it could be accidentally pushed there later. Finally, if you do ejaculate, there is enough force there to squirt it through your underwear and into the front part of the vagina.

            "I'll withdraw before I ejaculate."

            The attempt here is to have sex, but avoid any pregnancy. From God's viewpoint, you are still committing fornication. Fornication is having sex when you are not married. It doesn't matter whether pregnancy results or not. The reason most couples don't want a pregnancy to occur is that it would be positive proof that they had been sinning. As with other sins, it is near impossible to commit the act and avoid the consequences. The reason God gave us sex is so that we can produce children. Every time you engage in sex, there is a strong probability that a pregnancy will result. For married couples trying to have a baby, the odds are one in five that a pregnancy will occur.

            As you approach the point of orgasm, your muscles become very tense with pleasure. As you feel the point of release approaching, you will find it difficult to withdraw your penis quickly due to the tension. Too many boys cut the time too close and accidentally ejaculate in the girl's vagina anyway. Once the semen leaves your body, there is no way to get it back. Some girls falsely think that if they flush their vagina after sex that it will prevent pregnancy. Usually, all they accomplish is to push some sperm further toward their uterus.

            Even if you do manage to withdraw in time, you still face the danger of accidentally pushing the semen into the vagina afterwards.

            Finally, it really doesn't matter if you don't ejaculate into the vagina. The fluid that leaks from your penis when you are aroused and that allows your penis to easily move in the girl's vagina contains sperm. It is true that there isn't a whole lot, but all you need is one sperm to reach the egg. I've personally met young teenagers who found this out the hard way. Don't fool yourself into believing that it won't happen to you.

            "We'll only do it when it is safe."

            The hard part is knowing when it is safe. A woman's body operates in a cycle that lasts about a month. This cycle, called the menstrual cycle, is composed of four phases. The first phase is the preparation of the womb (or uterus) for the receiving of a fertilized egg. A lining of blood vessels build up on the walls of the uterus. The length of this phase varies greatly, but it is about seven days long. The second phase is the release of a egg. It is during this phase that a woman can become pregnant. The third phase is the time the egg travels down to the womb. If it was fertilized with the sperm from a man, it will plant itself in the lining of the womb and the start of a nine month pregnancy begins. If the egg was not fertilized, then her body moves into the fourth phase, which is the slushing off of the old lining. This fourth phase is commonly called a woman's period. A woman's egg is released about 14 days before her next menstrual period and can be fertilized for 48 hours after its release. While the average menstrual cycle is 21 to 28 days, few women have absolutely regular periods. Since it is difficult to accurately predict when the next period will begin, a woman cannot accurately predict when she is most fertile.

            In addition, your sperm can easily survive up to six days in a woman's uterus. So even if you don't have sex on the day she ovulates, you can still cause her to become pregnant.

Pregnancy and the Menstral Cycle

            Some couples try to avoid pregnancies by only having sex during the woman's menstrual period. Suppose a woman's cycle is short this month (only 21 days). A period usually lasts about 7 days. If a couple has sex near the end of the woman's period, it is possible for her to become pregnant.

            Since a woman's body functions on a monthly cycle, there are times when she is more interested in sex than at other times. A woman's peek interest in sex coincides with the time of the month when she is most likely to become pregnant. (It makes sense that God created her that way.) This increases the possibility of pregnancies.

            To sum all this up, there is no reliable way of deciding when a couple can have sex and not wind up with a pregnancy. Trying to have sex during a "safe" period is simply trying to commit a sin and avoid it's consequences. Every thief tries to steal when he is not likely to be caught. However, whether a thief is caught or not does not remove the fact that he has sinned before God.

            "I'll use a condom."

            You are assuming a condom will be handy when the two of you get into the mood to have sex. Too often the decision to have sex is done at the spur of the moment. Few men are interested in stopping the foreplay so that they can run down to the neighborhood drug store to buy a condom. By the time you get back, the magic of the moment is usually gone. Even if a condom is handy, many men don't want to interrupt the foreplay to put one on. I doubt that very many of you would keep one on hand, since your parents may find it and ask embarrassing, and very justified, questions.

            Another problem is that condoms have a 7% failure rate - usually due to small pin holes or weak spots that tear during sex. How would you like to eat at a restaurant where you only have a 7% chance of getting food poisoning? Yet, somehow people fool themselves into believing that using a condom makes sex "safe." In some schools, boys are encouraged to carry a condom in their wallet, just in case. Ignoring the implication that your are being encouraged to plan on sinning, the heat from your body will cause the condom to decay more rapidly than on a shelf. As a result, condoms stored in a wallet have a failure rate higher that the usual 7%. Even if a pregnancy never occurs, it doesn't make you safe from God's wrath.

            Some men forget to remove the condom soon after sex. Once the penis returns to its flaccid state, the condom easily slips off, giving a fair probability for semen to enter the vagina accidentally.

            Taken together, couples who use condoms still face a 20% probability of an unwanted pregnancy. Why take the unnecessary risk in this life and in the life to come?

Watch out for the Curve Ball

            Since a man's desire for sex is visibly shown, we sometimes forget that women also have a desire for sex. You will probably meet women in the upcoming years who will indicate that they would like to have sex with you. Don't be caught in this trap because you weren't looking for temptation to come from that direction.

            There are many reasons that a girl would ask you to have sex with her, even if you are not the most handsome boy in school. Some girls want to find out what it is really like; just as many of you have wondered. Some are looking to have a baby of their own. They naively think that having a baby is lots of fun; almost as if they were thinking about getting a puppy or a kitten. Some see having sex or getting pregnant as a way to rebel against their parents. For teenagers, both girls and boys, this can be a powerful temptation at times. Another reason is that having sex with a boy is viewed as a good way to hold on to a boy who would normally not be interested in her. If she manages to get pregnant, she probably could force you into marrying her by playing on your guilty feelings.

            Whatever the reasons, don't fall for this trap. It won't take all that long to grow up (though it may seem like it at times). Wait until you have fully adjusted to your new body and new capabilities. Take your time looking for a woman with whom you will be happy to spend the rest of your life. Once you are married, you will have many pleasurable years together to enjoy each other's bodies.

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