The Girls' Growing Up in the Lord

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Chapter 7

Getting (too) Close

Why do people kiss?

Children Kissing

            One day, the boy that you are dating will expect you to give him a kiss. Who knows - you may even want to give him a kiss. I wonder who started this kissing business anyway? What does it accomplish? I can't tell you everything about kissing, but I'll tell you a few facts. Kissing is a very old custom. No one knows when it started. No matter when it started, it is something men and women who really like each other are expected to do.

            Kissing requires getting very close. You would only let people that you really liked and trusted to get that close to you. Therefore, kissing expresses trust in the other person. Kissing is a way of expressing tender feelings for another person. Parents kiss their children to let them know that they love them. Couples who are in love frequently kiss to express their feelings.

            When should you kiss a boy? Well, don't do it just to be doing something. When you find yourself truly caring for the boy, then give him a kiss to let him know what you think. If your date hesitates or backs off, don't push it. It means that he hasn't developed the same feelings toward you yet. Some boys use kissing to make a girl believe that they really care for her. In reality, all they are interested in is encouraging them to let down their guard long enough so that they can have sex with them.

            Kissing is appropriate after you have dated a boy for a few times. Give him a short kiss when he drops you off to say goodnight. Save frequent kisses for the time when you think this boy may be the one you will want to marry. Don't use kisses as a way to get a boy to like you.


            While kissing is a way of saying "I love you," there is a danger in not stopping there. As you become more familiar with a boy, there is a great temptation to go farther with him. Don't expect your date to draw the line; he is facing the same temptations. I don't mean to imply that people jump from kissing to having sex all at once. If that were the case, it would be easier to resist Satan's temptations. Instead, the temptation is always to go just a little bit farther than you did on the last date.

            Ecclesiastes 3:5 tells us that there is a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing. You need to learn to tell the difference. Kisses, hugs, and embraces that let your boyfriend know that you care for him are fine. However, when they become passionate and whet your appetite for sex, you have gone too far. If you have any doubts about how far that is, just listen to your own body. If kissing or hugging arouses you or him, you are treading into dangerous territory. Reconsider your actions and act more chastely with your boyfriend. Paul warned Timothy in I Timothy 5:22 to keep himself pure. You cannot continually flirt with temptations and not expect to eventually be burned by sin. Paul realized the dangers that desires can lead a person into. That is why Paul said in I Corinthians 9:27 that he constantly kept himself under subjection.

            If you allow your passions to flare and do not restrain yourself, you may find yourself committing fornication. Do you remember the definition of fornication? Fornication is having sex with a man outside of marriage. Recall that fornication is a sin that is committed against your own body (I Corinthians 6:18-20). We are plainly told in I Thessalonians 4:3-6 to abstain from fornication by knowing how to hold our bodies in honor. Fornication should never be associated with Christians.

But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints; neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. For this you know, that no fornicator, unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God.     Ephesians 5:3-5

[Filthiness is obscene or shameful speech. Foolish talking is talk that is absurd, stupid or dull. Coarse jesting includes vulgar jokes.]

            Some of you may not believe me. You may think being aroused feels good, so you and your boyfriend will purposely stimulate such feelings in each other. You may convince yourself that you can stop long before things get really serious. In the early days of your going out with him, it was easy to stop. However, what you don't notice is that each time you stroke each other it lasts a bit longer than it did before. It isn't as much fun unless you get each other aroused to a higher level of sexual desire. Most men and women don't realize that such fondling is a part of sex. It is called foreplay. It doesn't matter if you fondle each other with your clothes on or not. Fondling still increases your desire for sexual release and prepares your body for having sexual intercourse. Already you have entered Satan's realm of sin since you are furthering your desire to have sex outside of marriage. Fornication is wrong. It is a sin. Wanting to commit fornication is also a sin. This sin is called lust.

            Sometimes a boy will believe and imply that you owe him for the expenses he has incurred in dating you. Some girls actually buy that line and figure a little stimulating playing around will not do any harm. Your body is yours alone to possess. If you plan to marry, your body should be saved for your future husband when the bonds of marriage have been put into place (Song of Solomon 8:10-12). You don’t owe anyone sexual gratification. The very idea puts the actions on the level of a person paying a prostitute for sexual “services.”

            Once you are aroused, your body begins producing lubricants for eventual intercourse. Now you have a problem: your body wants to continue so it can complete what was started. Don't let yourself get anywhere close to this point! Go home as quickly as you can, even if it is earlier than you had planned. Learn your lesson and behave more chastely from now on. If your boyfriend asks, explain to him that the fondling is too stimulating. Admit you don't feel you can restrain yourself if you continue much longer. If he is a decent boy, he should understand. He probably was struggling with the same problem.

            Some will not heed their own bodies' warnings. They will continue to stroke and fondle each other often to the point of orgasm. You and your boyfriend can stimulate each other to a sexual frenzy without actual intercourse.

            There are many misconceptions about how far you can go without going too far. Many couples gauge their love for each other by how far they can stimulate passions in each other. Love has nothing to do with sexual lust. Remember, one aspect of true love is that it thinks no evil. Fondling each other to the point where you can't think of anything else but completing the act of sex, although you are not married, is a sin. If you truly loved someone, you would not subject him to such a sin.

            Many people feel that as long as a pregnancy does not occur, their actions are justified. We have already shown the fallacy of this idea, but I would like to go over a few ways people excuse themselves for going too far.

            “If I don’t give him what he wants, he’ll dump me.”

            If he is only seeing you because he thinks he can have sex with you, then it would be better to find a decent boyfriend. No boyfriend at all is better than one who lures you into sin.

            "If we keep our underwear on, it’s all right."

            The problem here is: what will prevent you from going further later? With so little clothing on your bodies, it is very tempting to just go a little bit further. Of course, we still have the fact that we are dealing with the sin of lasciviousness (lust for sex outside of marriage). Just because you avoid copulation doesn't mean that you are sinless.

            You may not realize it, but even clothed, it is still possible for a girl to get pregnant. Many cases have been documented where girls found themselves with child and never had intercourse with a boy. Pregnancy will occur if one of his sperm unites with your egg. It doesn't matter how the sperm gets into your vagina. Couples who excite themselves to the point that the boy ejaculates usually continue to fondle each other afterwards. A finger, with even a small amount of semen on it, in your vagina, is sufficient to cause pregnancy. In addition, just because it didn't happen the previous time does not guarantee that it won't happen the next time.

            Another problem is that underwear is a very poor barrier to semen; it soaks right through. Since couples who are engaged in fondling each other are usually pressed close together, it is very likely that the boy's semen will soak into the girl's panties. Even if the semen doesn't immediately reach the vagina, it could be accidentally pushed there later. Finally, if a boy does ejaculate, there is enough force there to squirt it through your underwear and into the front part of your vagina.

            “We played around so long, he is too excited to stop.”

            You don’t owe any man sex outside of marriage. If your mutual actions have gotten him highly aroused, it is better to stop than to press on to further sin. A boy’s body has the ability to release excess semen without having to have intercourse. The excuse that he has to complete what was started is just a desire to fulfill his lust.

            "He'll withdraw before he ejaculates."

            The attempt here is to have sex, but avoid any pregnancy. From God's viewpoint, you are still committing fornication. Fornication is having sex when you are not married. It doesn't matter whether pregnancy results or not. The reason most couples don't want a pregnancy to occur is that it would be positive proof that they had been sinning. As with other sins, it is nearly impossible to commit the act and avoid the consequences. The reason God gave us sex is so that we can produce children. Every time you engage in sex, there is a strong probability that a pregnancy will result. For married couples trying to have a baby, the odds are one in five that a pregnancy will occur.

            As you approach the point of orgasm, your muscles become very tense with pleasure. As the boy approaches the point of release, he will find it difficult to withdraw his penis quickly due to the tension. Too many boys cut the time too close and accidentally ejaculate in the girl's vagina anyway. Once the semen enters your body, there is no way to get it back. Some girls falsely think that if they flush their vagina after sex that it will prevent pregnancy. Usually, all they accomplish is to push some sperm further toward their uterus.

            Even if he does manage to withdraw in time, you still face the danger of accidentally pushing the semen into the vagina afterwards. You also face the danger of picking up a disease. There are several diseases that are easily picked up during sexual intercourse. Even if he withdraws before ejaculating sperm, the skin-to-skin contact during intercourse can and often does transmit a disease. Most sexually transmitted diseases do not have visible symptoms, but they can cause severe internal damage to your body. For example, chlamydia and gonorrhea can cause you to lose your ability to have children if the disease is not caught quickly. Venereal warts is strongly associated with cancer of the cervix. Perhaps the greatest danger of some of these diseases is that noticeable symptoms take years to develop.

            Finally, it really doesn't matter if he didn't ejaculate into your vagina. The male body produces lubricating fluid when he is aroused, just as your body does. That fluid usually contains small amounts of sperm. It is true that there isn't a whole lot, but all you need is one sperm to reach the egg. I've personally met young teenagers who found this out the hard way. Don't fool yourself into believing that it won't happen to you.

            "We'll only do it when it is safe."

            The hard part is knowing when it is safe. The menstrual cycle is composed of four phases. The first phase is the preparation of the uterus for the receiving of a fertilized egg. A lining of blood vessels build up on the walls of the uterus. The length of this phase varies greatly, but it is about seven days long. The second phase is the release of an egg. It is during this phase that a woman can become pregnant. The third phase is the time the egg travels down to the womb. If it was fertilized with the sperm from a man, it will plant itself in the lining of the womb and the start of a nine-month pregnancy begins. If the egg was not fertilized, then the body moves into the fourth phase, which is the shedding of the old lining. This fourth phase is commonly called a woman's “period.” A woman's egg is released about 14 days before her next menstrual period and can be fertilized for 24 hours after its release. While the average menstrual cycle is 21 to 28 days, few women have absolutely regular periods, especially during adolescence. Since it is difficult to accurately predict when the next period will begin, a woman cannot accurately predict when she is most fertile.

            In addition, a man’s sperm survives up to six days in a woman's uterus. So even if you don't have sex on the day you ovulate, you can still can become pregnant.

Mentstrual Cycle

            Some couples try to avoid pregnancies by only having sex during the woman's menstrual period. Suppose a woman's cycle is short this month (only 21 days). A period usually lasts 2 to 7 days. If a couple has sex near the end of the woman's period, it is possible for her to become pregnant. We should also note that God considered having sex during a woman’s menstrual period an act that defiles a nation (Leviticus 18:3, 19, 24-27). Under Mosaical Law, purposely having sex during a woman’s period was punishable by exile (Leviticus 20:18).

            Since a woman's body functions on a monthly cycle, there are times when you are more interested in sex than at other times. A woman's peak interest in sex coincides with the time of the month when she is most likely to become pregnant. (It makes sense that God created you that way.) This increases the possibility of pregnancies.

            To sum all this up, there is no reliable way to decide when a couple can have sex and not wind up with a pregnancy. Trying to have sex during a "safe" period is simply trying to commit a sin and avoid its consequences. Every thief tries to steal when he is not likely to be caught. However, whether a thief is caught or not does not remove the fact that he has sinned before God.

            "We’ll practice safe sex."

            You are assuming a condom will be handy when the two of you get into the mood to have sex. Too often the decision to have sex is done at the spur of the moment. Few men are interested in stopping the foreplay so that they can run down to the neighborhood drug store to buy a condom. By the time he gets back, the magic of the moment is usually gone. Even if a condom is handy, many men don't want to interrupt the foreplay to put one on. I doubt that very many of you would keep one on hand, since your parents may find it and ask embarrassing, and very justified, questions.

            Another problem is that condoms have a 7% failure rate - usually due to small pin holes or weak spots that tear during sex. How would you like to eat at a restaurant where you only have a 7% chance of getting food poisoning? Yet, somehow people fool themselves into believing that using a condom makes sex "safe." In some schools, boys are encouraged to carry a condom in their wallet, just in case. Ignoring the implication that he is being encouraged to plan on sinning, the heat from his body will cause the condom to decay more rapidly than on a shelf. As a result, condoms stored in a wallet have a failure rate higher than the usual 7%. Even if a pregnancy never occurs, it doesn't make you safe from God's wrath.

            Some men forget to remove the condom soon after sex. Once the penis returns to its flaccid state, the condom easily slips off, allowing semen to enter the vagina accidentally. There is also a chance that the man improperly puts the condom on which increases the likelihood that it will tear.

            Taken together, couples who use condoms still face a 20% probability of an unwanted pregnancy. Why take the unnecessary risk in this life and in the life to come?

            Pregnancy is only one risk in having sex. It is possible to contract some serious diseases while engaging in sex with a partner who has been engaging in sex with other people. Since many of these diseases are spread by direct skin contact, the use of a condom may reduce the possibility of contracting a disease. However, a condom cannot totally eliminate the spread os disease because it must cover all areas of contact. If a condom does not fully cover the man’s penis or if it rolls up during intercourse, even part way, the possibility of transmitting a disease exists. In addition, some disease, such as herpes, does not require contact with the skin of the penis to be transmitted.

            Similarly, some girls think there is no problem so long as they take birth control pills. The biggest problem is that taking these pills means you are planning to have sex, and sex outside of marriage is always wrong. In addition, birth control pills do not protect you at all from sexually-transmitted diseases. The pill only reduces the likelihood that you will become pregnant.

            “He says that if I truly love him, then I would show it.”

            If he really loved you, he would not be asking you to sin with him. True love wants the best for the other person. Besides, the physical actions of intercourse have little to do with the emotional feelings of love. Most boys can perform sexual intercourse with little or no emotional attachment to the girl. In a survey of 1,000 boys, 70 percent of the boys believed it was okay to lie to a girl about being in love with her in order to get her to have sex. Instead of trying to prove your love for him by committing fornication, have him prove his love for you by being willing to commit himself to marriage and then waiting for marriage before engaging in sex.

            “We plan to get married.”

            A man will say that he would like to marry the woman, but he is not ready to make a commitment. The marriage is viewed as only a formality that can be put off to a later date. The problem is that if the man is unwilling to take the vows of marriage with you, then he is leaving his options open to leave you one day. Yet many women will view this vague possibility as firm commitment and begin to engage in sexual intercourse.

            A similar error is made when a man asks to marry the woman, but no date is set. This is not a true engagement, yet it seems enough of a commitment to move in with each other and engage in sexual activity.

            Even if a couple is engaged “with a ring and a date,” it does not justify committing fornication. A marriage takes place when vows are exchanged before God (Malachi 2:14). Without those vows, a man may not feel any obligation to a woman with whom he happens to sleep. Nothing prevents him from walking away, other than a small amount of guilt that is quickly forgotten. Sex only belongs within a marriage. Sex outside of marriage – even during the engagement period – is fornication. Do not let a man eager for sex deceive you. You do not have a commitment until you are wed.

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