Last updated on September 25, 2020
Question:
Dear Mr. Hamilton,
I really need your help. Around 3 years ago in 2010, I contacted you with the problem of pre-cum, erections, and masturbation. I am mid-twenties right now, and I still have this problem. I still don’t have a girlfriend. I thought that it will be useful to see a therapist about this problem. I also asked questions about this on some forums and mainly the recommendation was to see a therapist and start masturbating again. I tried to contact some therapists about this via e-mail. Based on their answers I understood they haven’t dealt with this type of sex-related problem before. In addition, the charge to see a therapist is pretty high, and I can’t pay such big of an amount (around $100 per visit and the number of visits is not determined before, i.e. depends on how the treatment goes). It would be fine but there are more issues involved.
I basically start controlling myself in terms of arousal situations during the day. If there is a girl talking to me, and I start getting aroused, I will switch my thoughts and basically not have any erection or pre-cum during the day.
But the following thing appeared. I started to wake up in the middle of the night extremely aroused and with huge desire so that I can’t stop myself. I would take off my underwear and sleeping shirt, get naked, and start rubbing my penis against the mattress. I completely can’t control myself from this. I would even wake up, leave the bed, take a towel from the shower, put it on the bed, and rub my penis against it. Sometimes I would have a full erection and almost do masturbate. I don’t have any pleasure but would have semi-erection. I would rub my penis for a while, stop, and then go to bed. I can’t control myself in such situations.
Two months ago when one such event happened again, I jumped out of my bed during the middle of sleeping, was extremely aroused, and couldn’t control myself. The school’s wellness center gave us a pack of condoms as part of a special program on campus that I just put into my drawer. (I wish I threw them away.) I went and took one of those condoms, put it on my half-erect penis, and started to rub it against the bedsheets again. I remember all of this, but I couldn’t control myself to stop this. I was half awake and half still sleeping. Then suddenly I woke up because of this and stopped. My heart was still beating very strongly and I was still aroused even after totally waking up. There was some persistence. I had a little bit of pleasure feeling and turned around in my bed to start sleeping again but felt a little bit of pre-cum on my bedsheets while turning around.
After realizing this was pre-cum, I immediately went into depression and all my anxieties appeared again. I can’t do any work at school. I constantly blame myself for this and “eat” at myself saying: Why couldn’t I stop myself when sleeping from doing this? How did I develop such a weird thing as rubbing my penis at night?
I also blame myself for the following reason: When I fully woke up after such arousal at night, I knew there was some pre-cum, so my best solution would have been to not move for 10 minutes so that pre-cum dries, then I won’t feel any, so everything would be OK. But despite knowing about this I still made a mistake – I turned around in my bed accidentally (I should have controlled myself from doing this) and felt pre-cum. So I am constantly saying to myself: Oh, why did I turn? Why didn’t I control myself from turning and feeling pre-cum? Why couldn’t I stop myself?
Due to this problem, every day for months I blame myself — constantly. I can’t wake up in the morning. My schedule is completely mixed up. I can wake up and then will lay on my bed and worry about this thing happening. Worrying about how I should solve this problem now and in general. I couldn’t do anything at school – every day, every hour I blame myself for this mistake that I made two months ago. I stopped enjoying life because of this. It’s like constant anxiety every hour. The only time when I don’t think about it is when I sleep. It’s like I entered a different world: gloomy, depressed, and pessimistic. I lose confidence in myself due to this.
These “night wake-ups” still continue. I am afraid there will be one more time when I feel pre-cum because of them.
In the long-run, I never had a girlfriend. I basically have no erection during the day. Sometimes at night when sleeping and having wet dreams I have erections. I am OK with them since they happen while I am sleeping. I have a huge interest in girls and want to date.
More than that, I want to masturbate, sometimes very much, I want to play with my body, but I am afraid of how I will react to ejaculation or erections after that. I am afraid of how I will feel after masturbation. I don’t want to masturbate with porn or anything, I just want to play with my body and release sexual tension and pressure because it’s huge. I know that if I start masturbating this problem will disappear, but then I will violate the promise I gave to myself not to masturbate.
I don’t understand how I developed such a habit of incorrect thinking, and how it developed over time so strongly. It is such a huge block now so that even thinking rationally can’t stop me. It’s like a habit or a trained response. It brings a lot of anxiety into me and I can’t do anything because of this. I asked about this on the Internet but don’t tell people around me.
Please let me know how can I deal with this? I don’t know if I can go to the therapist. I can wait for several years more while I am at school and then go to the therapist after, but then if it happens one more time I will go into anxiety and depression again. I am still in the anxiety and depression since last time and can’t fully recover. Usually, I would recover within a month or so and start feeling good again, but this time the effect was long-lasting – more than two months and it’s still there. How can I stop this? Why do such things happen? Did you ever know anyone with such a problem? Should I masturbate? How to treat this problem? I want to date a girl and I liked them personality-wise not in terms of sex, but I am afraid due to this.
I really need help. Thanks.
Answer:
I am able to help you because the core of your issue is due to moral choices. Just understand that I can’t make you change, I can only help you understand what needs to change. But to do this well, you and I need to talk more often than once every three years.
The promise you made when you were young was a foolish one. It is equivalent to a young girl promising not to eat because she thinks she is too fat. Your body needs to ejaculate, so it is finding ways to accomplish this despite your constant battle against it. It isn’t that you can’t enjoy your body and its responses, the problem is that you have let your fears of the unknown control you.
The solution is to face your fears a bit at a time. If you want to work with me, I will give you a task to accomplish each day. Each one will be small but pointed in the direction you need to go. We’ll talk about the results and then assign you another task.
Ultimately the goal is to get you to realize that dripping pre-cum and ejaculating are not sins. For that we will need to study the Bible together and learn the nature of sin and why some things are wrong and others are right.
I suspect that once you relax about being a male, you will find it easier to let yourself like a female. Right at the moment, you are putting up a barrier because you fear your body’s response.
However, I don’t know of a way to accomplish these goals in a timely manner without daily communication for a while.