Last updated on August 29, 2020
Question:
I’ve had a lot of trouble with gay stuff. Now I’m making a comeback, maybe. I know God doesn’t like gay stuff, but I didn’t know that at the time and I turned gay. When I learned that God doesn’t like it, I’ve tried to stop, but it’s really hard! I don’t want to stop but yet I do! Ugh! This is so confusing!
Answer:
I hope you don’t mind, but to help you I need to know a bit more about what you have been up to. By “gay stuff” and “turned gay” are you saying:
- You’ve been having sex with other guys?
- You’ve been looking at pornography involving guys having sex?
- Find yourself sexually attracted to males?
- Or something else?
Question:
Um, I’d like to do number 1 to get it over with, but I’m too young for that. So it is number 2 and 3. There’s a reason for 2!
Answer:
When it comes to any sin, doing it doesn’t get it over with. The problem will remain and usually becomes worse.
From a biblical viewpoint, you are caught up in lust (a strong desire to do what is wrong). Any pornography, whether homosexual or heterosexual is wrong. “For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God” (I Thessalonians 4:3-5). The phrase “lustful passion” comes from two Greek words describing things which arouse unlawful sexual desire. Pornography is wrong for the simple reason that God condemns such material. It is not a form of recreation. It is a sin.
Pornography warps the way you look at sex and it is especially dangerous when you are young. When you are maturing, it is very easy to get compulsive about things. When you add sexual desire to this, it becomes an even stronger compulsion. Also when you are young, your brain is wiring itself for sex. Looking at pornography gives you a completely wrong understanding of what sex is like or what is sexy. For one thing, it makes you look at other people as just objects to have sex with; you stop seeing other people as real people.
Therefore, the problem isn’t that you are gay. The problem is that you are programming your brain to respond to pornography and you just happened to use homosexual pornography for that programming.
Does finding males attractive mean a person is homosexual or gay?
From all my studies on this issue, I believe the answer is “no.” What is being ignored (probably purposefully) is the way the human brain learns. Rather than repeat the information, I want you to read, “I’m gay, but I want to be straight, but how?“
When people first hit puberty, their minds initially do not know how to handle the desires awakened. Boys are particularly aware of this as they begin experiencing erections. Initially, anything, everything, and no particular thing will trigger erections. The new desire for sex is completely unfocused to the point that even non-sexual things will produce a sexual reaction.
As the brain begins to train itself, many people go through a phase of “hero worship” that involves someone of the same sex. You experienced it yourself but labeled it a “boy crush.”
Many go through a phase where they find people of the same sex attractive. If you think about it, it makes sense. Prior to puberty, most children find members of the opposite sex unattractive. “Boys are dumb!” “Girls don’t know anything!” You noted this yourself when you said you never found girls attractive prior to puberty. There is a missing element in your statement: Children don’t think about sex unless it is forced on them. The desire isn’t there. Thus there is no sexual attraction. You made it a point of distinction, but it is how every child is.
When sexual desires are first awakened and wide open, there is a pull toward what is familiar. Other people of the same sex are more easily assessable and you are able to talk about and compare experiences. Think back to when you first started having spontaneous erections. Few boys would think about sitting down with girls to discuss how much of a problem it is for them. Just as few girls would think about telling boys about their problems with menstruation. For the vast majority of people, it is just a passing phase. [See the sections titled “Gay,” “Gay Fantasies,” and “Stories” on the very well done web site called “Boys Under Attack” for details and records of many men’s experiences with developing sexual desires.] Sexual attraction moves on to be focused on members of the opposite sex and then narrows down until your attraction is to your spouse. But for a few people, this progression gets derailed.
Every homosexual whom I have talked to and just about everyone whose account I have read traces his desires back to his teenage years — to the days when sexual desire was still wide open. Each one had a sexual experience with a person of the same sex that resulted in focusing their desires too soon. This should be surprising. Sex is a powerful binder. “Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a harlot? Certainly not! Or do you not know that he who is joined to a harlot is one body with her? For “the two,” He says, “shall become one flesh.” But he who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with Him” (I Corinthians 6:15-17).
When a sexually inexperience boy has his first encounter with sex with another male, it has the strong potential to cause his developing desires to be pulled in the wrong direction. Each successive encounter reinforces the idea. Today, with pornography easily found on the Internet, it is common to find young men masturbating to male images which also reinforces sexual attractions toward the male image. But this should not be surprising, there are men who have fetishes as well. These are people who have sexual reactions to objects or smells and can be generally traced back to early sexual activity where those objects or smells were present. The male teenage mind is very easily prone to obsessions.
That is the nature of sin: it is deceitful. It presents a false view of reality and soon a person is “hardened through the deceitfulness of sin” (Hebrews 3:13). Physically, every homosexual is capable of having sex with a member of the opposite sex, but mentally they have deceived themselves into thinking that their only desire is for members of their own sex.
What to Do
So the first thing you need to do is stop looking at pornography of any sort. You can’t stop sinful thoughts by constantly looking at sinful behavior. So what is your reason for looking at homosexual pornography?
Question:
It all started way back when. I was searching unrelated to homosexuality and saw a video: Emos gay. I clicked on it because I didn’t know what gay was. I saw it and was interested and I started searching around for gay stuff. I found one with an ad on it and I clicked on it. None of the vides had nudity on it. The ad took me to a site that didn’t give an 18-year-old warning and I saw nude guys having fun in bed and stuff. I kept watching it because I didn’t know yet that it was against God’s word.
Then I found another ad for another site. Before all this, I had learned to masturbate. It was much better than the previous site. It was cool. I started to masturbate to it. I watched it every day.
Then one day I was masturbating and watching it after dinner. My dad came in and I cut the masturbating but not the video. Dad saw some I had closed out and he demanded to know what I was watching. I went and found something different and showed it two him. He was suspicious.
I wanted to never do it again, but my conscience lasted only I started again. I became obsessed with puberty at the time. My dad found out and he said if I wanted to know to ask him.
Then my grandmother saw me searching abs and warned me about the perils of the Internet. At school the guys in my seventh-grade class began talking about gays, retards, etc. (so immature!) and a friend of mine said that God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah because of gays. I doubted him and still went on sites.
At confirmation this year I learned that God didn’t like homosexuality. My “friends” keep making fun of me because I say the wrong stuff. Guys in my class like each other, I think, but it may be a joke. One of them I have issues with, we get along like a cat and dog, and he makes fun of me the most. Then an incident didn’t go well and he found lotion on his locker and blame it on me wanking.
I tried to stop, but I kept losing to lust. I’ve subscribed to two porn sites on email and they send stuff, So I plan on getting a new email address. I found a show that I just love and used it to stop going on sites. I’m so sorry!
Keep talking to me. I want to see one last porn show. You’ve got to me! I can’t thank you enough! I’m free!
I really want to see other guys’ penises, but we don’t have showers! Is that considered homosexuality?
Uh, I’ve been having lots of homosexual dreams lately. I don’t know what to do! Turns out I didn’t watch a final porn show. I just needed to masturbate.
Answer:
The dreams involving sex come because your seminal vesicles were getting full. Your body knew you needed to ejaculate, so it started pulling up ideas from your past that are filed under “sex.” Because you filled your mind up with homosexual sex, it is little wonder that this is what your brain retrieved. Masturbating relieved the pressure, for now, so the dreams stopped for the moment. Of course, you continue to make semen so this issue will come up again.
The solution is to stop putting trash in your brain and it won’t haunt you as much. While you can’t erase what you saw, it will fade over time, if you stop reinforcing it by looking at it repeatedly.
The idea that you can just look at one more porn video and be done is a trap. It is one of those slippery places that Asaph spoke of, “Surely You set them in slippery places; you cast them down to destruction” (Psalms 73:18). One more becomes one more, and then another and soon you are back to watching it all the time. You can’t compromise with sin. You always attack it by saying “No more.”
It seems that you got trapped through your curiosity. It is normal to be curious about sex and what is happening to your body. It is typical to wonder if you are developing well and how you compare to other guys. But it is also dangerous because at your age it is extremely easy to get obsessed over ideas — especially ideas that get tangled up with sex.
You are making progress, so change your email address. You might think you are subscribed to two sites, but those places sell their lists to others. Eventually, you are going to flooded. And you can’t stop teaching yourself the wrong ideas about sex when you keep getting constant reminders. You also show put blocks on your computer and phone. The blocks won’t be perfect, but it will drastically slow things down. What I suggest is installing it and ask someone else to enter the password so you won’t be tempted to disable it.
I don’t often recommend other sites, but I think Boys’ Under Attack will demonstrate that what you are going through is not unusual.
Question:
The problem with having someone else enter in a password is that I don’t want anybody to know!
Answer:
That you don’t want anyone to know proves that you understand that what you are doing is wrong.
Question:
Withdrawal is hard, but I do not like the stuff anymore, I’m haunted by the images. I feel like I cannot achieve having friends and happiness like on my favorite show! When they give you a free screening, it’s super hard to stay strong! I hope I don’t give in!
Answer:
I’m glad you have decided that homosexuality is not for you. But with that decision, it means you need to unsubscribe from the porn sites. You can’t change a bad habit by constantly tempting yourself with it. And if, like many of these places do, they ignore your unsubscribe request, then you need to change your email address so that you stop getting these junk mailings.
These “screenings” aren’t free. They are chains to bind you to them through lust. They’ll get you all excited and then cut off the ending or promise you more … if you’ll pay them money. They aren’t doing this as a “public service.” They are experts at getting young men to empty their wallets for things that ruin their lives.
You can’t erase memories, but if you don’t reinforce them by continuing to look at these types of images, they will fade overtime being crowded out by new thoughts. However, that will take some time.