Last updated on September 26, 2020
Question:
Okay, so I’m in my teenage years and a Christian. I love my faith and my God. Now let me explain this so you understand before you answer. I used to masturbate by myself just to release myself. I watched porn when I was younger. I quit four years ago and have not looked at porn since, though I simply used masturbation to keep down my stress levels and my sexual hormones. I quit masturbation because I felt God was telling me that it was wrong: a day or two after I masturbated (I would only relieve myself every four days or so), something bad would happen, either this would be falling out with parents, something in the path of life going wrong, or falling out personally with someone close. For this reason, I decided to give up masturbation because I felt God was showing me a new way to relieve myself, so I gave it all up. Four years of successful relief was given up in a few weeks.
A few weeks later, a girl I met came along. I have been dating her for around six months now. I feel as if God sent her into my life to offer me someone to love and a release to my hormones — not that we would do any sexual acts, such as oral sex, no-no. I believe God wants me to wait until I am married before I can carry out acts such as these.
This is where my question begins. Sorry for the long read. Sometimes I would feel her body — only her bum and tummy — when we are making out. I have an extremely high level of hormone activity, and I can ejaculate without sexual stimulation in a few minutes. I mention this so you understand that we weren’t doing anything else. I would feel terrible afterward like I had disappointed God as I ejaculated, so I always asked for forgiveness, and I would talk to God about this problem.
A few weeks ago, I decided to give up feeling my girlfriend’s body and take up solo masturbation, as I felt I was hurting God. Please note that I have gone long periods of time without masturbation or sexual release, but after a while, say three weeks, the hormones would become so powerful that I would not be able to sleep or focus on anything. There have been times I have sat staring at the ceiling waiting for my hormones to calm down, but they never do. My exam season has started, and I needed to sleep since I am having extreme problems with sleeping because of my hormones. So I have started to masturbate solo again to release hormonal stress and stress from this particularly stressful time of year. Sometimes my girlfriend would offer me pictures of her bum (with clothes on and just her bum) to relieve myself too, rather than lusting over another woman in my mind. So my question really is: Is it a sin to masturbate over my girlfriend every so often to relieve myself?
Also, I was considering masturbating with my clothes on while I look at her bum and body with her clothes on, while she watches a movie or plays a game. I have talked to her about my problem and she is comfortable for me to do so. She will not be touching my genitalia or aiding in another way with my release other than being what I look at. I believe God sent this woman into my life to help relieve me, as it was at a specific time after I felt God was trying to show me another way of relieving myself. As I said before if I do not masturbate and simply feel her legs, or bum I can easily ejaculate.
I am unsure of what to do with my problem. I know that it is a very awkward question, though I hope someone out there answers with understanding. It is bothering me a lot, as my hormonal levels and stress levels are rising again.
Thank you so much for any feedback or views. I understand the views of Onan in the Bible, though personally, I do not believe this to be referring to masturbation. Thank you all so much for reading this far if you have. This is a serious problem among many young Christians in today’s society.
May God bless you all. Thank you.
Answer:
Let’s start with a side issue before I get to your main question. It is a grave mistake to assume that because you feel a certain way that this is a direction from God. You don’t find God leading people through feelings in the Bible. He teaches people what they must do through His Word. “So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God” (Romans 10:17). You are assuming that you know what God thinks based on your personal feelings, but we are warned, “For what man knows the things of a man except the spirit of the man which is in him? Even so no one knows the things of God except the Spirit of God” (I Corinthians 2:11). The Holy Spirit tells us what God thinks through the Bible.
As an example, God does not state that the act of masturbation, by itself, is a sin. See Is masturbation sinful or not? for details. Your assumption that you were being told that masturbation was wrong is flawed because good and bad things happen to people all the time. I suspect that if we talked about it, for every bad thing that happened after you masturbated, there was also a good thing that happened as well. However, you were convinced at that time that masturbation was wrong, so you focused only on the bad things and ignored the good things. You were so convinced that it had to be that way, you were willing to wait several days after you masturbated for a bad thing to happen to say, “See, I was right!”
What God has said is that sexually touching a girl is wrong. “Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman” (I Corinthians 7:1). He also said that using lust to stimulate your passion is also wrong. “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God” (I Thessalonians 4:3-5).
Lust is a major problem because it can lead us deep into sin. “For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lewdness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within and defile a man” (Mark 7:21-23). Lust is a strong desire for something that is wrong — so strong that you are willing to justify doing sin to get what you desire. “For all that is in the world — the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life — is not of the Father but is of the world. And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever” (I John 2:16-17).
The porn that you were involved in was definitely wrong. The problem is that you never really gave up lusting for sex with a woman before marriage. You tread around the edges of it and justify it because your body requires ejaculations. But because the male body needs to ejaculate, it doesn’t justify sinning to accomplish it.
Throughout this time you have been seeing women, at least in part, as a way to relieve your body’s needs. You really aren’t seeing them as potential best friends. Your girlfriend doesn’t mind at the moment because she is enjoying the attention you are giving her and she isn’t picky about the kind of attention she is receiving. For her, it is an ego boost that a guy desires her. That the relationship is shallow hasn’t registered with either of you yet.
Response:
Thanks again for all you have written and helped me to understand. Thank you.