Last updated on August 28, 2020
Question:
Hi! I’m 13 and I was wondering if talking to my guy friends and saying stuff like “My penis is bigger!” or “I call them fuzzy dice (testicles)” (those were just examples) is wrong. Is that normal to do that with other teenagers?
Answer:
“Normal” is what you find the majority of people doing. But “normal” and “right” aren’t always the same thing. “Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it” (Matthew 7:13-14). As hard as it is to imagine, Jesus said most people won’t make it to heaven for one reason or another. That means the “normal” crowd won’t make it. So don’t make choices because everyone else is doing it. You have to consider right and wrong in a context that is independent of who is doing it.
“But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person — such a man is an idolater — has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. Therefore do not be partners with them” (Ephesians 5:3-7 NIV).
Perhaps we can generalize this rule to basically say that since it is wrong to have sex outside of marriage, or look at pornography, or to lust after someone’s wife, Paul is saying that it is equally wrong to say things that make it sound like you approve of these sins. Often the type of teasing you are talking about can easily slip over into dirty talk, which Christians are not to participate in.
I hope it is equally clear that you shouldn’t talk about your private parts with girls because doing so implies you are wanting to have sex.
There is a natural tendency for boys to compete. They want to know who runs the fastest, who is the strongest, etc. Boys tend to even compete over things they can’t control such as how tall they are or how quickly they develop. What you have to keep in mind is none of those things matter. “I returned and saw under the sun that – the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, nor bread to the wise, nor riches to men of understanding, nor favor to men of skill; but time and chance happen to them all. For man also does not know his time: like fish taken in a cruel net, like birds caught in a snare, so the sons of men are snared in an evil time, when it falls suddenly upon them” (Ecclesiastes 9:11-12). Being the best or most of something doesn’t guarantee success in life. Having the biggest penis or being developed sooner doesn’t mean you’ll be the best husband to your wife or dad to your children.
You also need to realize that it is generally uncomfortable to talk about your genitals, for good reason — they are supposed to be private matters. Many kids don’t even know the proper terms for the various parts. Hence, code terms are used to talk about things people don’t really want to talk about. Whether it is code words for a body part or the actual name, it still remains that the rules for proper speech need to be followed.
Question:
Thanks! But what if some of my guy friends are talking about it what should I do?
Answer:
If the teasing is directed at you, just let it roll off. What they say doesn’t change who you are. Don’t join with others in making someone else feel bad about themselves. Stand up for the little guys. If it gets into dirty talk, just don’t participate. You’ll be surprised at what other people notice about what you do.
Question:
OK, but most of the time it’s not uncomfortable to talk about it (not teasing just talking). If it was uncomfortable, and you shouldn’t talk about it, then parents would have a hard time talking about sex.
Answer:
You’ll find that when adults talk about sex, they treat it as a serious and important subject — because it is. They’ll use the proper terms because they won’t want you to think they are joking about what they are trying to tell you.
Sex and your reproductive organs are not a forbidden topic. You do need to talk with your parents about sexual matters, even though sometimes it will seem hard and uncomfortable. But those talks won’t be done with cute or humorous terms for your testicles. But with your guy friends, they will often cover up the seriousness or embarrassment of what is being discussed with humorous phrases.
Question:
That answers one question, but I still have one more. When you were a teenager did you talk about sex with your friends (not girls) but just with the people that you trust? If you did how did find your self talking about it? Did you kid around or were you serious?
Answer:
When I was a teenager, I was the serious type. Sex was discussed, but not often, nor openly. It wasn’t in your face every day as it is today. Guys joked around, teased each other, and made all sorts of claims, but I realized that most of them knew about as much about sex as I did — which was near nothing at that time.
People forget to consider who their sources are. Yes, you’ll find teenagers eager to talk and joke about these new experiences, but keep in mind that it is all new to your peers as it is to you. None of you have any real experiences with it. You don’t really know where the pitfalls are that can ruin a good relationship. A willingness to talk doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll get accurate or good advice.
One of the reasons I wrote books on the topic and answer questions from teenagers is to try to give you accurate and good advice — advice based on God’s teachings and not men’s desires (I Peter 4:11). There were many things I ran into that I wished someone had told me about in advance. Perhaps I could have avoided a few mistakes. So, I find myself discussing these things and researching answers to some really good questions; some of which I hadn’t considered before.
Question:
Well, I think I didn’t explain my original question, I was saying that when teenage boys are alone, they usually talk about girls. I’m guessing that when girls are alone they talk about their looks or make-up or just girl stuff. Same way with boys: they would talk about muscles or the stuff that I mentioned in my first email. So my question is it wrong for boys or girls to talk about that kind of stuff? That was the original question that I couldn’t really explain because I didn’t really know how to ask.
Answer:
It isn’t wrong to talk about personal matters or experiences. What I warned about is not to let those talks slip into talk where it appears you approve of guys and gals having sex before marriage, or where you appear to encourage lustful thinking. I also want you to keep in mind that while your friends can tell you what they’ve experienced, they don’t have that much experience. Don’t expect your friends to be experts.