Question:
Good afternoon sir,
I had a question that I thought would be relevant to many young men beyond myself.
I am engaged to be married very soon and we have both waited until marriage for sex. I have, however, used masturbation to keep my libido in check before our relationship and during our relationship. We don’t engage in petting or anything like that (we haven’t even kissed yet), so we aren’t doing stuff physically to cause arousal. We have, however, had to talk about sex some as part of our premarital counseling — just the fears and concerns that each of us has. This does, at times, create a surge in my libido.
So to make a long story short, I know she does not like masturbation — not in a prudish way but because of some of the sins attached to it, like pornography, lust, etc. I know I will need to talk with her about it after we get married and once we begin having children so we can teach our boys the same thing. I do not believe the physical act by itself is sinful.
My question is: if she approaches me about me masturbating, am I required to tell her that I do occasionally? Is it none of her business? I don’t want to lie, but I also don’t want to let my own hormones get to a breaking point or at least to a point where my thoughts become dangerous.
For the record, I haven’t had a wet dream in years either, and by the time I get to a week without release, I feel like I am going to explode. I’m so thankful for God’s grace and that I haven’t participated in sex outside of marriage. I want to continue that, but I might need masturbation to help get me to that point. I don’t want to lie to her but I am also not sure if this is something she needs to know about either.
Blessings in Messiah.
Answer:
I agree that questions about sex do need to be addressed shortly before marriage. There is a lot of false information being passed around and you want your early intimate moments to go as smoothly as possible.
However, certain personal issues are not appropriate between unmarried couples. For instance, you know that your girlfriend has monthly periods, but there is no reason for you to know what brand of tampon or pad she uses. Boys aren’t the only ones to experiment with masturbation, though it happens less frequently with girls. You don’t need to know if she has tried it or not.
Girls ought to be aware that boys have to ejaculate once in a while. They might even know that some boys have wet dreams (girls also experience erotic dreams). However, your girlfriend doesn’t need to know what you dream about, nor do you need to know about her erotic dreams. She doesn’t need to know how often you ejaculate, though she might wonder how often the two of you will have sex after you get married. (In my experience, few women think to ask that question in advance of marriage.) Related to that, your girlfriend doesn’t need to know how you ejaculate.
It is appropriate to mention that you don’t look at pornography. That tells her that you have a strong sense of morality and self-control. I wouldn’t bring up the topic, but if she asks, you should answer. If she asks about masturbation, just say that you know that studies indicate that just about every man masturbates and you are not an exception. Make it clear that you don’t look at pornography and then leave it at that. If she presses, asks her why she thinks this is a good topic to discuss when the two of you aren’t married.
After you are married, you generally won’t need to masturbate since you will be able to have sex. You might have to resort to it on occasion if you are traveling for business or if your wife is ill, but again it is not something that must be mentioned but if she asks you just say that you took care of your need the way you used to before you got married.
When you have children, you will teach your boys that it is fine if they masturbate in private but they must not sin by looking at pornography. This topic, however, is not likely to come up until your boys reach puberty.