Last updated on October 1, 2020
Question:
I was “saved”, when I was 6, or rather said I was a Christian, but really I did it because everyone else was doing it. Even though I didn’t truly believe, I still had the knowledge, due to my church being very active in Bible competitions and memorization. I memorized, literally, hundreds of verses.
During that time, I fell into something that I deeply regret. When I was about 8, I was watching a TV show that showed a scene, which caused me to have an erection. I had always had erections from time to time obviously, but this one I distinctly remember. Now, it wasn’t a full out scene, as the show was a kids’ show. But the subject was a male and he was performing an action that was not intended to be sexual in any way. However, there is a fetish, which I have, that caused attraction to the action he was performing. I understand that at that age I was not truly sexually attracted to him, but as I got older and learned about sex and love and all that, my brain immediately associated all of that with the fetish.
I remember how I felt and craved more. With my newfound knowledge, I am ashamed to say that I quickly turned to porn. It was very, I guess you could say, “light” at first. Nobody was naked or anything just simply the fetish. As time went on, that didn’t do it anymore. It eventually turned into full out hardcore porn.
That is pretty much it. I recently re-dedicated my life to Christ, and this time for real. I truly believe now and willingly want to follow Jesus. However, this has been my biggest stumbling block. I understand that at my age, most guys get erections when in “odd” situations with other guys. Naked in a school shower, for example, may cause a guy to be erect because his brain is still developing. In the beginning, when this all started, I know that is what it was. Simply my brain devolving and learning. But due to the insane, and I mean insane, amounts of porn I consumed, I feel like my brain has just “locked” itself into thinking, this is sex, this is arousal, this is how it is done.
I never receive erections around girls, but almost always around males. However, one thing that is still intact is the romantic side of it. I am currently romantically attracted to a girl if that is the correct term.
Aside from all the rambling, and to get to the point, where should I go from here? I understand that just being attracted to males does not make me gay. I would be gay if I wanted to pursue a male in a romantic and sexual relationship, which I do not. But, I am not attracted to females at all, except in a romantic way, and I understand that in marriage it is love, not physical attraction. I am just worried that, I won’t be able to have sex with my future wife without lusting for what I find attractive now. Basically, what I am asking is, is there a way to undo or un-train my mind to associate those things with sex?
Thanks you so much for reading!
Answer:
It really doesn’t matter how you arrived at the place you are. What we need to focus on is on the place you are going. I assume you’ve made the first step and have stopped looking at porn. “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God” (I Thessalonians 4:3-5). While we don’t have erase commands for our brains, what does happen is that over time memories get muddled and fade if they are not reinforced.
One important concept is that you don’t just remove sin from your life. Attempting to do so will leave a vacuum waiting to be filled. “When an unclean spirit goes out of a man, he goes through dry places, seeking rest, and finds none. Then he says, ‘I will return to my house from which I came.’ And when he comes, he finds it empty, swept, and put in order. hen he goes and takes with him seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter and dwell there; and the last state of that man is worse than the first. So shall it also be with this wicked generation” (Matthew 12:43-45). Therefore, the trick is to replace unrighteousness with righteousness. We take off sin and put on Christ. “Let us walk properly, as in the day, not in revelry and drunkenness, not in lewdness and lust, not in strife and envy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts” (Romans 13:13-14). When we do so, there is no room for sin to return to our life.
You have one important advantage. While you’ve thought about sex heavily, it is still something you haven’t actually done. You are assuming that you won’t find a woman sexually attractive, but I can pretty much guarantee that by the time you find a woman you want to marry and you both save yourselves for the wedding night, by the time it rolls around you will be so hyper that the experience will be marvelous and unique. It will make all the times you masturbated to porn feeling like cheap substitutes (which it is).
In the meantime, don’t get concerned about when your penis gets erect or doesn’t. It has a lot of learning to do and it will get things wrong for a while. Instead, focus on finding a woman whom you want to be by your side for the rest of your life. The romance will come naturally as you seek to win her consent to marry you. And as the wedding day approaches, the erotic feelings will take care of themselves. If perchance you still have concerns as you get closer to your wedding, let me know and we will talk and study these issues from the Scriptures. But until that time, let your spirit heal from the wounds your sins have caused.