Last updated on October 4, 2020
Question:
I am 24 years old. When I was 19, I had a girlfriend. We stayed together for a very long time. I met her when I was in sixth grade. I was following God’s rules. I never touched her or even kissed her. She really loved me, and I loved her very much.
She wanted sex from me, but I refused. Then she found someone else, they did it and she left me. I was totally frustrated. How could God take away my girl while I was following His ways?
Because of losing my girlfriend, I had sex with another girl that I never enjoyed and I regret it forever. I have begged for forgiveness from the Lord, but I don’t know whether I am forgiven or not. How can I know? What should I do to get forgiveness for fornication?
I prayed for the Lord to show me a true wife, then I meet this other girl at the university. She is my girlfriend and I don’t want to lose her forever. We have been french kissing and my penis gets erect. I think we are about to have sex in the future. If I don’t, I know I might lose her. What should I do?
Answer:
I’m a bit puzzled. Your first girlfriend wanted to commit fornication with you and you rightly refused. As a result, she decided to find another guy who would have sex with her. So how is this God taking your girlfriend away? It seems to me that your girlfriend took herself away. She left a man who treated her with respect to find one willing to use her for his own gratification. From my viewpoint, it looks like your first girlfriend had a major flaw in her character — she had no interest in living a Christian life. You were overlooking this flaw.
What you did in response was very wrong. You blamed God for your girlfriend’s choice to sin and then in turn sinned yourself. I assume in revenge against her and against God. I’m glad you turned from your sins. That is what the Lord is looking for. “For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death. For behold what earnestness this very thing, this godly sorrow, has produced in you: what vindication of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what avenging of wrong! In everything you demonstrated yourselves to be innocent in the matter” (II Corinthians 7:10-11).
But it appears you have not completely turned from fornication. Even though you know it is wrong, you are creeping close to committing it again under the guise of claiming you “lost control.” But it is a false claim because you have control of your behavior long before the clothes come off. See: How much sexual stuff is too much?
Having sex with a girl is not going to make her stay with you. Sex doesn’t bind people that strongly. In fact, often when sex enters into a relationship things decay because sex dominates everything you do and so you don’t grow closer together. See Marriage’s Glue.
Your goal ought to be in finding the companion of your life, not someone who will warm your bed for a short while. You need someone who will make you a stronger Christian, not someone who leads you away from God. If this girl isn’t willing to abide by God’s standard, then it is time to find a better woman. Quit being so desperate that you are willing to sin against God just to have a girlfriend.