I was told masturbation was wrong but I do it anyway and it is bothering me

Question:

I’m afraid you’re right.

I grew up hearing that masturbation is wrong. The truth is, all of this is an unfinished cycle for me. I started masturbating when I was 8 years old because I was bored and started touching myself, and it tickled me. I liked it so much that I saw it as a game. Afterward, I looked for places to masturbate. I even explained “the game” to my brother, because for me it wasn’t a bad thing; he didn’t care. I continued doing it (without my brother, whom I had only mentioned it to), but my mother told me it was wrong and was very upset. She also told me that my penis would be deformed. My father also took it the wrong way.

I stopped masturbating, but when I was 9 or 10, I started masturbating again. When I was 9 years old, we got a tablet, and we used it to play games. One time, the tablet connected to the Internet, and a video with sexual content using anime characters appeared. It wasn’t explicit, but it was hypersexualized. My brother and I didn’t understand it, but that’s how we discovered the Internet. Thanks to the algorithm, the computer was filled with it. Even so, we didn’t watch it much; as I recall, I only saw those videos three times.

When I was 11, my brother felt guilty and told my mom that he masturbated. She told my dad. After that came the “talk,” in which my parents made it very clear to me that they were disappointed in me. I kept denying that I masturbated because I was scared. However, my dad finally got the truth out of me, and I confessed that I masturbated. He asked if anyone had taught us, and we both said no. We had learned it on our own. Then I was asked what we imagined when we masturbated, and my brother said sexual things. When I explained that “a white liquid” had come out of me, my mother began to cry, and my father told us that now my mother would suffer a lot and that we two were no longer virgins.

I was a “good” kid, the model student. I enjoyed Children’s Church and was intelligent, but after all this, I was devastated and suffered a lot. I stopped masturbating, or at least I tried. I committed myself to serve God in the church. Even though I gave myself more to God, I soon started masturbating again. You can imagine the agony I experienced. At this point, I had never been in love or watched pornography, at least not voluntarily (because I know those three videos I mentioned count as pornography). I wasn’t vulgar. I’m not trying to excuse myself; I want to explain who I am.

My father began to talk frankly about sexuality with us. But I felt he no longer trusted me. I was already 12 years old. He told us he had masturbated too, but that it wasn’t a good thing. He said masturbation ruined the pleasure system and that this pleasure was for marriage, and that one often masturbates in a hurry, ruining the erection and ejaculation system so that it can happen very quickly, making sexual relations unsatisfactory.

That’s how I grew up. I must also say that I suffered from enormous depression and shame because, while my father spoke to me like that, I knew I was still masturbating. My brother, however, didn’t masturbate anymore. I always admired him for that; he’s an example of willpower, but I wasn’t like that. In reality, I saw myself as less than my brother and felt that God and life treated him better, and that he was better. He started having wet dreams, and after confessing, he developed the idea of ​​telling my father everything. I didn’t have wet dreams. When I was 13 and was going to be baptized, I did it out of fear because I knew I still masturbated. I decided not to do it again, but I continued to do it.

In the midst of this, a personal crisis arose. Ups and downs marked it. On one hand, I sank, and on the other, all this hell led me to know God. I was tired of everything, suffering from depression and guilt, so I started researching masturbation and hoping to find out what was wrong with it, but I discovered “it was good.” They were all secular sites, saying it was good, healthy, and normal. I didn’t believe it and rejected it. However, the seed remained within me, and from then on, I began to distrust my parents’ abilities and knowledge, even though their intentions were good. However, I no longer believed them; nevertheless, I still considered masturbation to be a sin.

Eventually, I gave up and said to myself, “What does it all matter anymore?” I gave in to masturbation. In reality, I felt alone and empty. I had no purpose for living, and only in masturbation did I find solace. I wanted to forget my pain; I was hurt. I didn’t know why I was alive, and overall, I was angry at God. However, guilt ate at me, yet I rebelled against everything and kept going. I searched for ways to feel more pleasure and was shocked by the depravity of the world, because people talked about it in a very natural way. I felt uncomfortable, but I continued because what I wanted was pleasure. I tried seeing naked women, but I felt guilty, and I only did it three times. I’m being specific because I don’t want you to think I was just another addict. All I wanted was pleasure to forget my pain. I tried taking turns with my prostate. I was about 13 or 14, when I tried putting my fingers in my anus while masturbating. I reflected on my actions and stopped doing it, and I deeply regretted everything that had happened. I tried to change, but I couldn’t.

I started researching and discovered No Fap, and decided to implement it, but I failed a lot. God found me in those moments of loneliness. Thanks to a book by Jim George, I told myself I wasn’t a Christian, and then I converted to Christianity. I decided to change and consecrate myself to God, and from then on, God began to heal my wounds. Then I read the book “Breaking the Chains” by Neil T. Anderson. And trusting God and submitting to Him, I stopped masturbating. Several years passed, and I turned 16. During those years, I made improvements in all areas of my life: spiritual, academic, family, social, moral, and, above all, I found a purpose in life: God and art. I experienced some wet dreams, but they weren’t frequent. I finally had peace. I was convinced that masturbation was a sin and saw myself as a recovering addict with a dramatic testimony. But when I was 16, I began experiencing these wet dreams in which one masturbates half asleep, and I was horrified by them. Since they happened to me irregularly, I wrote to you, and that’s where I found your website, but since then, that hasn’t happened to me.

But I also discovered your perspective on masturbation, and then I read Dr. Dobson’s famous letter. You can imagine how devastated I was. On the one hand, I found peace with the wet dreams, but on the other, I haven’t stopped thinking, “So, is masturbating a sin or not?” Do you see why it’s not so easy for me? I also find other authors who say it is a sin, but for me, the most troubling aspect is the ambiguity. I can’t stand it!

I want an argument that declares it a sin, entirely and without exception, but I can’t find it. You could say I’m experiencing “cognitive dissonance.”

I don’t want to masturbate, but I want the truth in order to reconcile myself with my inner child.

I’m afraid to believe you, Dr. Dobson, and Boys Under Attack, but I think I’ve accepted that masturbation is normal and that it’s not a sin. But I don’t want to. I’m afraid it might turn out to be a sin. There’s no fixed position on that in my church. And yet I’ve masturbated before without lust and pornography, so I think it’s possible. But I don’t know.

I feel the other positions are very harsh, but I recognize several arguments.

• Sex is for marriage.
• It’s for two.
• Seek the pleasure of others, not selfish pleasure.
• It must reflect Christ’s love for the church, and masturbation doesn’t do that.
• It’s addictive.

Also, I have a question. You and Dr. Dobson answer from a physical and psychological perspective, but how does masturbation affect the spirit and the relationship with God?

I don’t want to be perceived as bizarre or rude, and I apologize for any inconvenience or offense caused by my words; I want the truth.

I could live without masturbating, but now I’m a youth leader, and I might be asked about this topic. I don’t want to pass on my fears or prejudices to others. I feel it would be unfair to deny them a healthy development without as much pain as I went through, but I don’t dare because what if it turns out to be a sin? And if they told me it’s a matter of conscience, I’d be calm and tell them what Dr. Dobson says and what you say, but I don’t dare say it’s a matter of conscience.

What if I told them it’s normal? What would I do if they became addicted to it? Or that it’s pornography? Wouldn’t I have encouraged them to do that?

I’m 17 years old, and God is my Savior, and I love Him. That’s why I don’t want to urge these young people, who see me as an older brother and wise counselor, to do something I’m not sure about. But I feel it’s fair not to give them both the answers regarding this.

I also have questions for you:

• What if I masturbated without lust or pornography, just to feel and experience the pleasure of orgasm? Would that be a sin?
• How would I know I masturbate out of necessity and not because I can no longer control myself?
• Why do I feel guilty after masturbating?

Do you think someone like me could ever masturbate without guilt? I think being able to do it, even if I don’t, would be a sign for me that I can tell young people it’s not a sin to do so, because if I can’t do what I teach, I feel I would be sinning.

Is masturbation an act of conscience?

I genuinely wish I had such a strong conscience and could end this torturous cycle.

I’ve asked about this at my church, and I’m waiting for an answer that hasn’t come yet, but I trust it will come soon. But I’m asking you because I know you know a lot about sexuality and that you are thoroughly convinced in your conscience. I want to compare your answer with the one I get, because I’ve asked God to guide me in making this decision. I know that in the end, it’s me who must make the decision. Forgive me if I went on too long today. I only have God to talk about this with.

Thank you very much.

Answer:

Much of what you ask has been asked by others, so I hope you don’t mind if I refer to previous answers when possible and focus on the rest of your questions.

There has been a lot of speculation about masturbation because God only indirectly mentions it a few times. When there are gaps in what we are told, people often tend to fill in those gaps with their imagination. Let’s start with a firm foundation: God is the Truth (John 17:17). It is God who tells us what is right and what is wrong. We don’t have the right to make up our own rules and impose them on others. Thus, you don’t decide right and wrong based on myths. You prove right and wrong by looking at what God taught in the Bible.

Typically, people claim that masturbation is not mentioned in the Bible, and it is true that there is no direct mention of it. However, it was covered by the laws of the Old Testament.

• To see this, go to Leviticus 15:19-23. This law states that when a woman experiences her monthly menstrual cycle, she is considered unclean for seven days. She had to separate herself for the week, and if she broke the laws of uncleanness, that would be a sin. However, the fact that she is having a blood flow did not mean she was in sin.
• Just before this, in Leviticus 15:18, is another law that says that anytime a man and woman have sex and the man ejaculates, the couple is unclean for a day. While sin could be involved, such as fornication or adultery, it also covers sex between a married couple. Married couples are expected to have sex; yet, the result was that they were unclean for a day. Therefore, whether having sex is a sin is not defined by the action but by the circumstances in which the action takes place.
• Now, look at Leviticus 15:16-17. Here we learn that any time a man ejaculates, he is unclean for a day. Since Leviticus 15:18 covers ejaculating with another person, Leviticus 15:16-17 is talking about times when a man ejaculates by himself. This law would cover both wet dreams and masturbation. Like the woman with the blood flow or the married couple having sex, this does not necessarily mean the man sinned when he ejaculated by himself. The one common point is that the man has ejaculated semen, which also explains why ejaculating during sex makes the man and the woman unclean. Like intercourse, the action alone doesn’t define whether a man sinned. It is the circumstances around the action that determine whether it is sinful or not. Masturbating while watching pornography would be a sin because he is using sinful thoughts to stimulate himself (I Thessalonians 4:3-5).

People tend to focus on physical acts. For instance, the Jews knew that murder was wrong, but they ignored that hatred is also a sin (Matthew 5:21-22). Murder can be seen, but thoughts can’t be easily examined. A similar thing happens with masturbation. People often focus on the physical act itself, rather than realizing that the circumstances surrounding the act are what ultimately determine whether it is right or wrong. Masturbation can be seen, but lust isn’t easily detected. Some laws covered masturbation, but no law says masturbation is a sin — only that it made a man unclean for a day under the Law of Moses. Since masturbation was not ignored, and it was not labeled a sin, it is wrong to declare it a sin.

Your parents were well-intentioned. They repeated the things they were told, but they never examined their information to see if it was true. I’m sorry they caused you so much stress when you were young.

There is a danger in pursuing something because you want the pleasure. Eating is enjoyable, but you should not constantly eat, as that would be gluttony. In the same way, God made ejaculation pleasurable, but you should not pursue ejaculation just because you want more pleasure. That gives Satan an opening to tempt you to sin (James 1:14-15). That is what happened to you when you were younger. You chased after pleasure and were drawn into watching some pornography. Fortunately, you stopped, but not everyone is as strong-willed as you are.

No one is required to masturbate. If a person chooses not to masturbate, that is perfectly fine. There are, however, many guys who are not able to have wet dreams and still need to have the relief of ejaculating the semen they are producing. Those who choose not to masturbate should not condemn those who decide they need to masturbate. “But you, why do you judge your brother? Or you again, why do you regard your brother with contempt? For we will all stand before the judgment seat of God” (Romans 14:10). Paul’s point is that if we try to impose rules where God has not, we are usurping the judgment of God. I can tell someone that lying is wrong because God said so (Revelation 21:8). If someone wants to condemn masturbation, they need to prove that God said it is wrong.

The points you gave are not reasonable:

• Sex is for marriage. That is true, but sex implies the involvement of two people. Masturbation is not sex.
• Leviticus 15:16-18 shows that not all ejaculations involve two people.
• I agree that we should not seek personal pleasure. However, it is not wrong to enjoy what you are doing. “Here is what I have seen to be good and fitting: to eat, to drink and enjoy oneself in all one’s labor in which he toils under the sun during the few years of his life which God has given him; for this is his reward” (Ecclesiastes 5:18). Enjoying a steak dinner is not wrong. Spending all your money to have lots of steak dinners would be wrong.
• When you say it must reflect Christ’s love for the church, you are stretching things. Is digging in the garden a reflection of Christ’s love for the church? Is taking a bath a reflection of Christ’s love for the church? The Bible doesn’t say that everything we do must reflect Christ’s love for the church. What it does say is, “Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father” (Colossians 3:17). What you do should be authorized by God. We showed that masturbation is mentioned in the Old Law and wasn’t labeled a sin. Therefore, it would be authorized in some circumstances.
• By your definition, eating is addictive. Is eating a sin? Ejaculation is a bodily function for males. It has a purpose. Yes, it has to be done repeatedly because the body continually produces semen, and it has to be eliminated.

Regarding why you feel guilty after ejaculating. A part is how you were taught, but it is also a side-effect of your hormones rapidly changing. See “Why do I feel guilty after ejaculating?“