Question:
Hi,
Sorry. I don’t know if this is a question or more of an emotional vent.
I’m 14 years old, and I think I’m gay. I want to have a relationship with a girl, but I only get sexually aroused by men, and I keep masturbating to gay porn. I’m not a very Catholic person, but I still know that this is wrong. I even masturbated with other boys and men online over the camera.
A few months ago, this guy sent me a friend request. I didn’t know who he was, but we had a few mutual friends, so I accepted his friend request. We talked a bit, and he said he was 29. I didn’t think anything bad of it because he was nice, so eventually, he wanted to meet up with me to hang out and talk. I agreed and went to his house. We played a few video games and then watched a movie, and then he leaned over to me and started kissing me. I told him to stop, but he didn’t. I tried to push him away, but I just couldn’t. He raped me two times, and I feel so bad about this. I haven’t talked to anybody about this. I don’t think I even can. I’m scared my parents will be angry at me or that they won’t believe me. I haven’t gone to church since then.
Please help me. I don’t feel or want to be gay.
Answer:
I’m very sorry that you were raped. No one should experience such things. Jesus said, “But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him to have a heavy millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea” (Matthew 18:6). You weren’t raped because you were a homosexual. A sexual predator targeted you because he thought he could get away with homosexual rape. He will likely continue to rape boys until someone finally is bold enough to report him to the police. In this incident, you weren’t wrong. This man is the criminal.
This will be hard to separate, but I would like you to treat the following as a separate issue. You asked how not to be a homosexual, and I would like to address it. Understand that your sexual behavior is your choice. Your early sexual choices strongly influence your later choices. But any choice can be changed. The people in Corinth were involved in all sorts of sins, but when they became Christians, they chose to change. “Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God. Such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God” (I Corinthians 6:9-11). This doesn’t mean change is easy, but you can choose to change the course of your life.
“For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God” (I Thessalonians 4:3-5).
God wants you to be set apart as someone special and dedicated to God. That is what “sanctification” means. When people are involved in committing acts of sex with people they are not married to (fornication or “sexual immorality”), they are no longer sanctified. They now are just like the rest of the world — given over to sin. They are not special; they are common. God wants people who know how to practice self-control. They don’t let their physical desires control their decisions. But if fornication is wrong, then the things that lead to a loss of self-control and fornication are just as wrong. Thus, passionate things that arouse the desire for sex outside of marriage are also wrong. This would include pornography, but what about couples sending naked pictures of themselves? They may argue that there is no harm because they are not in the same place, but it still raises the desire for fornication and can lead to a loss of self-control.
“But immorality or any impurity or greed must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints; and there must be no filthiness and silly talk, or coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. For this you know with certainty, that no immoral or impure person or covetous man, who is an idolater, has an inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not be partakers with them” (Ephesians 5:3-7).
“Filthiness” is what is commonly called “dirty talk.” It is sexually charged talk; thus, it isn’t just visual eroticism that would be wrong, but anything that gives another person the impression that you might think fornication is acceptable. When Paul talks about “any impurity,” he refers to a state of mind that is the opposite of holiness. “For God has not called us for the purpose of impurity, but in sanctification” (I Thessalonians 4:7). Sometimes we refer to someone as having a “dirty mind,” and that is impurity. However, it can also include impure action, such as removing clothing in front of another person. Such actions signal a desire for sexual stimulation that is not proper.
Let us apply these passages to your situation. Your goal is to marry a good woman, but what images are you filling your mind? Every guy has to ejaculate periodically when his seminal vesicles get full. However, when you want to ejaculate, you immerse yourself in videos of homosexual sex. Each time, you link your sexual desire to thoughts of homosexuality. Eventually, this became old, so you went further and started masturbating over video cam with other guys and doing it in person. Notice that you were progressively losing your restraint. Perhaps this was why you didn’t think it odd that an older man wanted to be friends with a young teenager and invited him over. You had conditioned yourself to think this was “normal.”
“Do not enter the path of the wicked and do not proceed in the way of evil men. Avoid it, do not pass by it; Turn away from it and pass on. For they cannot sleep unless they do evil; and they are robbed of sleep unless they make someone stumble. For they eat the bread of wickedness and drink the wine of violence” (Proverbs 4:14-17).
If you don’t wish to arrive at a destination, you don’t travel the path that leads to that destination. If you don’t want to be a homosexual, you don’t do things that lead to homosexuality. You should not even start going down the path. Even better, avoid the path and not get close to it.
Why? You think you have complete control over what happens. You think you can go part way and not be affected. However, other people are on this same path, and they are looking for someone to prey upon. Doing evil and causing others to sin is how the wicked find rest and relaxation (Psalms 36:4; Isaiah 57:20; Micah 2:1). Wickedness and violence are their food and drink; it is what the wicked feast upon (II Peter 2:14). This is what happened to you.
We can’t change the past, but you can change your future. The first step is both easy and difficult. No more pornography. You don’t need it. If you choose to masturbate, go somewhere private without your phone or computer. Initially, it will be difficult to reach orgasm because you have built up a long-standing habit of watching pornography. If you can’t ejaculate, that is fine. Try again later. Very soon, you’ll ejaculate because your body can’t hold out for long. It will be really hard to control your thoughts while you are masturbating because your mind wants to go down familiar paths. Don’t fret over this at first. The initial goal is to break the habit of pornography. Try to keep your mind off of sinful sex, but don’t beat yourself up if you slip up.
You need to treat masturbating as a necessity, like using the toilet. It is pleasurable, but don’t chase the pleasure. It will become “boring,” but in this case, boring is good. Don’t let your guard down and think you can go back to pornography “just one more time.” Also, don’t make the mistake of thinking that you can replace homosexual pornography with heterosexual porn. You can’t fix one sin with another sin.
If you manage this over the next year, you will find your desires refocusing along more natural paths.