Last updated on August 27, 2020
Question:
I have a lot of problems with my penis. It is incredibly embarrassing. I believe that God has a reason for everything He does, but I cannot figure out the reason for what is wrong with me. I’m 18.
- My penis is small. Only 3.1 inches while flaccid. And really skinny too. I realize that it is not a micropenis, but, still, it is small enough to make me feel embarrassed.
- I have phimosis. I’m having surgery done in a week.
- This is the biggest problem of mine. I feel like I could kill myself just for this very reason. I love girls, I’m in love with one at the moment, actually. I love to kiss them, I love to look at them, I feel excited around them, but my penis doesn’t. It doesn’t react to girls — ever. When I see a naked girl, my penis feels nothing. Now prepare for the really creepy part. It makes me sick that I am like this. My penis gets erect when I see hair being cut off and cross-dressers — men dressed as hot women, that is correct. I don’t love them nor do I want to be with them. My penis just gets excited by them. I honestly don’t feel like I’m gay. What should I do? Why would God do this to me? I am never going to be able to make love to the girl I love. I don’t see the point for anything anymore. Am I a homosexual? Please help me, tell me something, just anything. How do I make love to a woman? How do I live with myself?
I need someone’s help.
Answer:
The penis on most men is between two and three inches long when flaccid, so there is nothing wrong with or unusual about your penis. How skinny your penis is or how long it is when flaccid or erect doesn’t make that much difference. God designed the woman’s vagina to accommodate a wide range of penis sizes. It is more a matter of how you use what you have than how big it is.
Phimosis is a problem for about 1% of all men. I’m sorry you have this problem, but I’m glad you are having the problem fixed.
Why do you say it is God’s fault for what you find sexually arousing? Sexual arousal is both instinctive and learned. Because orgasm is such a strong feeling in the body, often the things associated with the first time you had an ejaculation or were strongly aroused after puberty get locked in your brain as being connected with sex. I want you to think back and think about when you first connected hair cutting or cross-dressing with sexual feelings. Tell me what in particular it is about these two things that makes you think they are sexually exciting.
No, you are not homosexual. A homosexual is a person who chooses to have sex with a person of their own gender.
Nor does this mean you aren’t able to have sex when you get married. You will find that your body will naturally respond to being in bed with your wife, so long as you relax and enjoy the moments.
What you can do is retrain your mind to respond differently. First, you need to understand what it is about these other things that you find arousing. If you can think logically about it, you can impose reason on your thoughts. Second, you need to stop focusing so hard on the problem. By thinking about it constantly, you are accidentally reinforcing those thoughts. Third, you need to give your mind better things to think about. Since these things are tied to your sexual thoughts, I want you to wait several days and not have an ejaculation. When the urge for sex gets strong, try to masturbate without thinking about anything or anyone in particular. At first it will be hard to keep your mind from following the same old rut, but by waiting until you strongly need to ejaculate, it makes it easier. If that doesn’t work, think about what sex will be like on your wedding night. Keep those thoughts general and not about a particular person because you don’t know who you will be marrying.
Once the cycle is broken, you will find your mind and body will start having more typical responses to situations. What you don’t want to do is use pornography to try to change your sexual response. All you will be doing is replacing one problem with another. See “A Look at Pornography” for why the use of pornography is wrong and harmful.
Question:
I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to answer me and help me. I will try to do what you told me. I actually started that on my own. I haven’t ejaculated nor looked at crossdressers for a few weeks now. Strange, but I still don’t feel the urge to masturbate yet. I will wait until I do. You are telling me to masturbate without thinking of anything in particular. But I don’t think I will be able to get my penis hard without thinking of crossdressing.
“I want you to think back and think about when you first connected hair cutting or cross-dressing with sexual feelings.”
It was when I was very little and used to watch cartoons. They frequently featured cross-dressing and haircutting and I remember getting excited while watching that. Since then I can’t get my penis hard without seeing one of those things.
Do you really believe I will be able to train my mind to get excited by actual women that I am in love with? I really wish I could.
Answer:
If you wait until the urge to ejaculate is strong, you won’t have any difficulties having an erect penis. What I want you to try really hard to do is not think of cross-dressing or hair cutting. You are using those images as keys to trigger an erection. It isn’t that they are of any particular importance, but it is what you’ve trained yourself to use.
There was an experiment years ago where a scientist rang a bell just before giving dogs something to eat. Soon the dogs would begin to salivate just because they heard the bell, even though no food was present. You did a similar thing to yourself. You connected certain images to the erection of your penis. Such training can be broken, but it will take a number of times of not following the same path to accomplish this. It takes two parts to accomplish this. You have to remove the bad and replace it with good. “The night is far spent, the day is at hand. Therefore let us cast off the works of darkness, and let us put on the armor of light” (Romans 13:12).
I’m not out to get you excited by women you think you love. I want you to be excited by the woman you marry. “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love. For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman, and be embraced in the arms of a seductress?” (Proverbs 5:18-20). I don’t want you replacing one bad habit with another.
Your reason for the connection isn’t accurate. When boys are little, they don’t have sexual feelings because those parts of the body and brain are not developed yet. Something is being left out or changed, but I have no guesses as to what.