Last updated on October 3, 2020
I really need enlightenment. I’m 16, I’ve been “gay” for almost 10 years of my life, as much as I remember. I think maybe it was because when I was a kid I was always left around with my female relatives whenever my parents would go buy something, and I think I failed to develop my masculinity and, instead, adopted the femininity of the girls and as I grew up. I feel like I carried it along with me until now. But as I grew up I felt the need to change because I feel like it was just some sort of “amnesia” that I have for my manliness. I really want to have a family in the future, but before I can do that, I have to get my manhood back, and right now I don’t know how. I mean I know it’s not going to be easy because I’ve been living feminine for my whole life. I think I even applied the feminine traits that I adapted from my childhood, including the infatuation to boys that comes along with the sexual attraction, which I really want to remove.
Please, can you help me know how I can maybe bring back my old self again?
Thanks in advanced. Because as of now I think I’m falling into depression.
I’ve seen this before. People decide they have certain feelings and then they rewrite their history to match their current beliefs. I’m positive that when you were six, you did not have sexual feelings — those come after a boy reaches puberty. Therefore, you are assigning meaning and feelings to your past which were not there at the time they occurred. In other words, you’ve been lying to yourself.
Second, you mention being left with females only when your parents went shopping. This tells me that you still had a father in your life and I doubt a few hours with your female relatives had much impact on your life. I conclude that you are looking for an explanation for your current feelings, trying to find something else to blame for your choices.
Finally, you claim to be a homosexual, but from your description, it does not sound like you have had sex with other boys. You’ve been tempted with the idea, to the point that you’ve allowed it to alter your behavior. For a complete definition of terms, see: Is homosexuality the act or the desire?
What constitutes manly behavior varies by culture, but it also has a wider range than most children allow. So we start with a basic fact: You are a male. You have male DNA, evidenced by the fact that you have a penis between your legs. That penis gets erect and you ejaculate at times — all male behavior. The only problem is that you have been focusing your sexual desire on boys instead of girls. See: Is there a way to get rid of homosexual attraction? I would like you to read a discussion I had with another young man about homosexual desires. I hope you won’t be so stubborn about your choices as he was: Can I live a godly life while being attracted to men but choosing not to act on those feelings?.