Last updated on October 11, 2020
Hello Mr. Hamilton,
I’m going to be honest, I don’t know if you can tell me anything at this point that you haven’t already, but I keep thinking that I might be gay. When I tell myself I’m gay I say there is no way that I can be gay, I know I like girls. Yet, I never get erections from seeing girl like most guys do, and I get erections from seeing muscular guys or muscular guys asserting their dominance over skinny guys.
Sometimes I think maybe my issue is just my masculinit, and I want to be the “alpha male” or guy in charge, and that is flowing into my sexual fantasy. All I know is that I really really really don’t want to be gay. I can’t imagine myself kissing a guy or even worse having sex.
I just don’t understand why my body doesn’t have what I feel like is the appropriate reaction to girls. I’m almost 15 and I’m over halfway through puberty!
Thank you for being so supportive. Good bless you and have a good evening.
I avoid using the word “gay” because its definition is not rooted in reality. It was a word purposely hijacked to promote and justify sin by muddying the waters so that what is wrong cannot be clearly seen.
Let’s stick to biblical terms.
“Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God” (I Corinthians 6:9-10).
Homosexuals (Greek: malakos): The word literally means “soft.” From The Complete Biblical Library Greek / English Dictionary: “In 1 Corinthians 6:9 malakos is used in the metaphoric sense. Here it refers to persons who are “soft.” The rendering “effeminate” (malakos) designates the passive partner of a homosexual relationship …”
Sodomites (Greek: arsenokoites): The word means “a male homosexual.” It is a compound of the words for “male” and “bed” where “bed” refers to sexual activity. From The Complete Biblical Library Greek / English Dictionary: “Like a number of other languages, Greek has different words to distinguish between the active and passive roles in a homosexual relationship. Arsenokoites expresses active homosexuality; a related term, malakos, connotes effeminate, passive homosexuality, in which a man allows others to exploit him sexually.” This word is also used in I Timothy 1:10.
“For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature” (Romans 1:26).
Instead of a single word, this passage describes lesbians. The word translated “use” is from the Greek word chersis, which refers to the use or employment of the body for sexual intercourse. Paul’s point is that women having sex with women is not the way the body was created to be used.
“Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due” (Romans 1:27).
Once again, the act of homosexuality, in this case between men, is described instead of being stated with a single word. Once again, Paul’s point is that the male body’s natural sexual function was created to have sex with women and not with men. He also condemns the passionate desire for sex with other men and bluntly calls homosexuality shameful or unseemly.
“You shall not lie with a male as with a woman. It is an abomination” (Leviticus 18:22).
“If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death. Their blood shall be upon them” (Leviticus 20:13).
Like Romans 1:27, male homosexual activity is strictly forbidden. What I want you to notice is that the sin of homosexuality is a sexual activity. It is not a feeling or emotion.
There are related sexual sins, such as:
- lewdness or sensuality: The word refers to shameless behavior, particularly in regards to sex. It is behavior that is involved in pure self-enjoyment or behavior characteristic of an animal.
- uncleanness: This refers to morally impure behavior, particularly of a sexual nature. It would include dirty talk, sexual jokes, and fooling around sexual (Ephesians 5:3-7). An example of uncleanness would be sexting.
- touching: means to touch particularly in the sense of holding on. Thus, it doesn’t refer to an accidental brushing against someone, but a purposeful touch or grab. In the context of I Corinthians 7:1, it is talking about the sexual touching between a man and woman, such as what goes on in foreplay, but it would also include the touching of genitals that takes place in mutual masturbation or hand jobs.
When we get mental sins, they are usually translated as “lust” even though there are several Greek words being used.
- Epithumia: refers to strong desires or cravings, particularly for things that are not lawful. “This lust is characterized by a longing for what is forbidden, a deep burning, a covetous desire, and sometimes can be irregular or even violent” [Dr. Gary M. Gulan, Lust: A Desire For Fulfillment].
- Hedone: Self-gratification or sensual pleasure. “It is characterized by a never-ending and unfulfilled desire, often identified in pornography and materialism” [Dr. Gary M. Gulan, Lust: A Desire For Fulfillment].
- Orexis: refers to a very strong desire or lust. It is an overextending, a reaching after, a stretching for, an indulgence in, or a devotion to something that is typically sinful. “It is characterized by an ignoring of limits, a disregarding of any restraints, and an excitement of the mind that quickly raises the intensity of the pursuit” [Dr. Gary M. Gulan, Lust: A Desire For Fulfillment].
- Pathos: an emotional lust that is seemingly stronger than a person can control. “It is characterized by a very strong desire, often develops as a sudden arousal” [Dr. Gary M. Gulan, Lust: A Desire For Fulfillment].
Thus, lust is a strong, nearly overwhelming desire for something that is sinful.
But compare this to what you have told me: Your penis gets erect when you have seen males in certain situations, but you have no desire to have sex with another male. Therefore, you have never been involved in an act of homosexuality. Nor have you been involved in stimulating another male to get them sexually aroused by action or words. You don’t desire homosexuality, so you are not involved in lust. All we have is an awkward physical response.
So what causes erections? Erections come when a male gets physically tense and his blood pressure goes up. These conditions can be triggered physically or mentally. Therefore, you get excited about seeing one male dominate another. You see physical strength as being connected to sexual virility and your mind and body respond, “Did someone mention ‘sex’?” and your penis inflates. You don’t get the same reaction because you don’t see women as physically domineering. You haven’t yet crawled naked into bed with your wife, so you don’t know what sexual acts between two loving individuals are like; thus, your mind doesn’t respond. That isn’t a bad thing. You are less likely to commit fornication or adultery in your life. However, it won’t impact your ability to have sex with your wife.
Now, it is possible to lie to yourself and convince yourself that you can’t have sex with a woman. Physically it won’t be true. God made your body perfectly suitable to have sex with your wife. But some people will be convinced that it can’t work because of fear or lying constantly to themselves.
You are not homosexual. God did not make you a homosexual (James 1:13). You are a man with a developing sense of sex. Yes, your penis gets erect at the wrong things at times, but it will still work for the right thing when the time comes.