Last updated on October 5, 2020
Question:
Hello,
I need help.
I am 16 years old. I first had impure thoughts when I was 11. I started staring at boys’ armpit hair and belly hair. I also began staring at their penis bulge when they changed for physical education. I began masturbating and then began to watch porn.
Meanwhile, I was still attracted to girls, but I have never kissed one, nor have I had a girlfriend. As I reached my senior year in high school, the urge to see a boy’s penis became stronger, but I still liked this one girl. I had oral sex with a guy, and he kissed me. It was my first time. It honestly felt weird. The guy was not my ideal choice and I did not enjoy it. Another time I was pursued by a guy and he wanted to initiate anal sex. I detest the idea of it. It sounds too wrong and painful.
I am still attracted to a boy’s body, and I have tried to stop watching porn and to stop masturbating.
I am in love with this girl, but I am afraid I may be gay. The sight of a female’s body doesn’t turn me on like a male’s. I want to change for the better because I can imagine myself having sex with a girl and having a family. But these thoughts have made me confused. I don’t get excited about the actual sexual favor with a guy, but I am still turned on by seeing a guy’s penis. I have never had a girlfriend, never had intercourse with a girl and I have never kissed a girl. I want the love of a girl but these thoughts are blocking my happiness. How can I guarantee to stop watching porn and stop masturbating? How do i stop impure thought about guys? How do I become more attracted to a girl?
Please help me.
Answer:
When a boy begins to mature and experience sexual feelings, it is very easy to focus those feelings on what is readily seen or available. You speak as if your feelings determine how you behave, but God tells us that feelings are unreliable guides. “He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but whoever walks wisely will be delivered” (Proverbs 28:26). Your feelings can be manipulated, they can change, they can easily be wrong; thus, instead of talking about your feelings as they were logical, let’s use logic instead.
Clearly, your male body is designed for sex with a female. As you noticed when you had sex with another boy, it wasn’t right. Some guys ignore this simple fact but pretending it isn’t there doesn’t make it go away. “For this reason God gave them over to degrading passions; for their women exchanged the natural function for that which is unnatural, and in the same way also the men abandoned the natural function of the woman and burned in their desire toward one another, men with men committing indecent acts and receiving in their own persons the due penalty of their error” (Romans 1:26-27). What you did with the other boy was a sin. Not only were you not married to him (which is not allowed under God’s law anyway), you were trying to use your body in a way that it wasn’t designed to be used.
Granted that you see the male body as being sexy, but that does not mean you must have sex with guys. In fact, notice how you are completely focused on sex. It is apparent to me that you had sex with a guy more because he was available and willing. But sex is not the basis of a relationship. Two people who fall in love and get married have sex, but the sex is not love nor is it the reason for getting married. Marriage is about finding a woman who will be your lifetime companion — your best friend. “Yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant” (Malachi 2:14). Girls are not looking for a guy to put his penis into them; they are looking for a partner in life.
A major part of your problem is that you’ve been using pornography to get yourself excited so you can ejaculate. Pornography gives a warped view of sex. It teaches guys that sex is a selfish act and that it doesn’t matter who you have sex with. You don’t know the personality of the people. It is all about the action. Thus, it appears that who you stick your penis in doesn’t matter, which is so far from reality. See: Lies Pornography Tells Men. I suspect that your favored pornography involves depictions of homosexuality; thus, you are training yourself to see other males as sexual objects.
I think you realize this in part because you are trying to quit pornography, for which I commend you. However, you are trying to do it in a manner that causes you to fail. Like it or not, you have to ejaculate once in a while because your body constantly produces semen. Your seminal vesicles can only hold so much before the excess has to be ejaculated. When you try to give up pornography by stopping yourself from ejaculating, you are going to eventually fail. Your body will demand relief and instinct will take control eventually. Since you have a habit of ejaculating to pornography, when you start to go crazy from not ejaculating, you pull up pornography by habit because that is the quickest way to get relief. It is only after you are done that you start scolding yourself. The solution, therefore, is to masturbate when you feel the need, as often as you need to, but do it without pornography.
When you stop reinforcing sinful thoughts, they gradually fade. Your sexuality won’t fade, but without male targets, it will start focusing on females. This doesn’t mean you need to run out and have intercourse with the first willing girl. You can’t replace one sin with another sin. Rather, your goal ought to be to get to know as many girls as you can. Learn their personalities, learn of their character. One day you will find a girl who stands out from everyone else. You’ll fall in love and marry her. And I guarantee that come the night of your wedding you won’t have any problems having sex with the woman you love with all your heart.