Last updated on March 6, 2023
Question:
Hello,
I am a 19-year-old boy and I’m having a sexual identity crisis. I have strong sexual desires for men but not as strong for women. I often fantasize about sexual relationships with men and get erections. I don’t want to be gay, but it’s hard ignoring these intrusive thoughts. I try to make male friends, but I often find my lust keeps me from making male friends.
With that being said. I want to get married and have a family with a woman. I plan to come clean about my same-sex attraction and desires. Is that necessary?
What’s your advice? What would you do if you were in my shoes? Praying the “gay” away doesn’t work. It’s hard looking at another male without lusting, let alone talking to them. At the same time, I desire healthy brotherly relationships. This crisis is taking over my life and I can’t complete simple tasks. I feel hopeless please help!
Answer:
When people want to change society, they will introduce crises. This is because people tend to like things the way they are, so they won’t change without a strong reason to change. But in times of panic, people too often will accept the first solution offered to them. This is how evil is propagated on a very fundamental level.
To counter this, we need to simplify the issues to see what the real problems are. What you are experiencing is the result of a near half-century push to get sexual mores changed so that there are no restrictions on sexual behavior. The fact that these changes damage the stability of society is not considered. Keep in mind that at its roots is a desire to create uncertainty and panic so that society will shift.
Thus, we remove the feelings, which are unstable (Proverbs 28:26), and look at the facts. Looking at you, we see a male. Regardless of the nonsense being pushed, God only made two genders (Genesis 1:27). This is also supported by science. There are only females with X-X chromosome pairings and males with X-Y chromosome pairings. The rest of the so-called genders are based on imagined feeling about relationships, not about the actual physical genders. Facts remain constant. Feelings, however, change. Thus, someone claiming to be non-binary will later claim to be gender-fluid.
Why are feelings being pushed over facts? For years people promoting homosexuality wanted to claim there was a cause for homosexuality in order to prevent it from being labeled a sin. They tried saying it was caused by the environment a child was raised in, by something that happened in the womb, or by genetics. Each claim was proven false. Thus, the movement went to feelings because you can’t analyze feelings so easily. Currently, the claim is that feelings are more real than reality. It is a false position but I don’t know how long it will take society to wake up to the fact.
Going back to reality, God designed males to have sex with females. The equipment each gender is given makes this obvious. “And He answered and said, “Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?” ” (Matthew 19:4-5). You understand this beneath all your anxieties and conflicting feelings. You state that you want to get married and have a family. Where does this desire come from? I would contend that it is built into each one of us by God.
In order to sell an idea, people have to appeal to basic desires or lusts. There are only three of them: “For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world” (I John 2:16).
- Lusts of the flesh refer to the physical desires that you have because you are in a body. You have desires to eat, sleep, and have sex. That you want to use your penis to ejaculate is a normal desire, but it can be used against you to sell you on a sinful idea.
- Lusts of the eye refer to things that we find attractive. People like shiny things but there are also things that are more individual likings. You find the male body attractive (appealing to the eyes). Again, there is nothing wrong with this, but it can be used against you to sell you on a sinful idea.
- Pride of life refer to things that make us feel good about ourselves. We want to be liked and respected. This drives us to improve ourselves, but it can be used against you to sell you on a sinful idea.
You find the male body attractive. Unfortunately, you’ve sexualized this attraction. It is something that is really easy to do during the teenage years when we are first coming to terms with the fact that we are sexual beings. The world is full of people pushing sexual ideas in both blatant and subtle ways. For example, I would give strong odds that you have been watching pornography that involves homosexuals. Such videos connect the idea of attraction to sexual behavior. Thus, two lusts are being used against you at the same time to tempt you to sin: lust of the eyes and lust of the flesh. (By the way, the homosexual movement throws in pride of life with their “Gay Pride” events.)
I should mention that another technique to get an idea accepted is to blur the definitions of words so that words that have acceptable meanings are used for unacceptable things. Thus, the word “gay,” which originally meant “happy,” was applied to homosexual behavior. But that wasn’t enough, so “gay” was broadened to refer to people who accepted and desired homosexual behavior. Then it was broadened again to people who may not have done any homosexual behavior but find it appealing. Lately, people are applying it to those who find homosexuality tempting though not necessarily appealing. The broadening is being done to say there are more people involved in homosexuality than there actually are. It moves the definition from actions to feelings. It is harder to make someone do something, but feelings are more easily manipulated. By creating a bigger group, pride can be used to pull people further in.
I’ve been long-winded but I hope you see what is behind your anxiety. You are a male who happens to find the male form attractive to see. That is being used against you to change it from mere appreciation to a reason to become sexually aroused. Your arousal is being used to convince you that homosexuality is acceptable. In other words, you are being tempted to sin. However, what you are missing is that being tempted doesn’t make you that kind of person. Being tempted to take something that doesn’t belong to you doesn’t make you a thief. Being tempted to have sex with a girl doesn’t make you a fornicator. Being tempted to have sex with a guy doesn’t make you a homosexual.
When you accept the idea of sinning and justify doing it in your head, then you have moved from temptation to lust. “For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries, deeds of coveting and wickedness, as well as deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride and foolishness. All these evil things proceed from within and defile the man” (Mark 7:21-23). Lusts are wrong because it agrees with sin but lust should not be confused with the actual sin itself. Thus, pornography is wrong because it creates a mental acceptance of sin while you are watching others actually commit sin.
Sin is when you actually do what is wrong. The sin of homosexuality doesn’t exist until a man ejaculates with another man.
Here is another point about the promoters of sin. Once they convince you to give in and commit sin, they want to convince you to continue sinning. This is why promoters of homosexuality tell people that homosexuals can’t change and that it is somehow harmful to convince them to change their behavior. But wait a minute! Someone convinced them to try homosexuality in the first place. Why can’t they change their minds and stop? Actually, they can (I Corinthians 6:9-11). Christianity is about leaving sin to become a new person (Colossians 3:1-14).
Thus, it doesn’t matter if you are tempted to have sex with another man. You don’t have to yield to temptation. You can choose to do what is right. Even if you have messed up in the past, you can still change your future. Sure, it is hard to break bad habits, especially at first, but habits can be broken.
In practical terms, it means that you will probably get erect when you are around other guys at first. But having an erection doesn’t mean you have to do anything about it. And, yes, at first when you need to ejaculate, it will be tough keeping your mind from straying toward things that you find attractive. Break the habit of looking at pornography when you want to ejaculate and you’ll soon see that you will stop seeing other people as sex objects. It will then lead to you not needing to ejaculate so often and those intrusive thoughts about sex will become less frequent. It takes effort and it won’t happen overnight, but it is doable.
Question:
Good day, Mr. Hamilton,
I appreciate your response. It was very helpful. I must confess that homosexual pornography was the first type of pornography I ever watched, and you are right — I have sexualized men. To try to understand the source of these desires, I look back on my life. As a kindergartener, the first person I ever kissed was a boy, and a girl came along later. Beyond that, though, I’m unable to place the source of the original desire. Sometimes I wonder if something was a dream or truth.
Growing up I was rather a curious child desiring to see any boy naked (sometimes) and kiss him if he agreed. After getting caught I stopped that behavior by the time I reached 4th grade. But then other things came along and I started “acting gay” (freaky talk, fantasizing with other boys but not actually acting on it, etc.) I realized what I was doing wrong and by my senior year of high school, I stopped.
I based my sexual identity on my experiences as a child, which caused me to doubt my sexuality and eventually led to gay pornography at a young age. Then came along sexual intrusive thoughts, low self-esteem, social anxiety, loneliness, low confidence, and many other disorders as I grew older. Do my experiences as a child define my sexual orientation? Sometimes I ask God, “why did he make me like this if it’s against His will?”
I often wonder why I choose to have a connection with Christ. Is it because I simply don’t want to be homosexual, and if he freed me from this, would I simply leave the kingdom? Is this just an attempt on my part to become a normal man? Since same-sex attraction is the only thing holding me close to God, will He never free me from it? I’ve reached a place in my walk with Christ where I’m considering how I can truly love Jesus for who he is and not use him as a means of entering Paradise.
With all these things going on I still desire to have a family and kids with a woman. Growing up, I didn’t find women as attractive as men. I kind of forced myself to make myself attracted to women. Now my attraction toward women is getting stronger, but I still heavily battle with same-sex attraction. I desire to get married but I know some women would rather not come on this journey with me (especially Christian women). Even though I maintained my virginity, I’m still dealing with the thought that no woman would ever want to join me and my growing relationship with Christ because of my crisis. And to be honest, sometimes I’m scared that I might fall into homosexual acts. But I know if I get married and God is the center, my marriage will be successful.
Additionally, I desire peace and joy, and I know only those things come from the Lord. Holding this in is not doing me any good. I have to tell somebody who can walk with me and hold me accountable, but I don’t know who I can trust. I don’t know who will be patient with me and understand me.
Once more, I appreciate you taking the time to reply. You are saving lives. I am one of the many boys who struggle with this in silence. Thank you.
Answer:
While events, such as trying to kiss boys as a child, happen it is wise to keep in mind that children of that age are not sexual (barring sexual abuse). What you are doing is putting your current feelings on past events — perhaps because you badly want an explanation for your current feelings. Curiosity is normal for a child. So is an imitation of what a child sees others doing.
You’ve might have noticed that I haven’t accepted the current fad of “sexual identity.” You are a male. That is a part of your identity. What you find attractive doesn’t really define who you are. One guy loves Ford trucks and another loves Chevy sports cars. Does that tell you much about their personalities? Don’t get caught up in the world’s nonsense.
What has happened is that you decided to classify yourself as homosexual. That label that you gave yourself actually doesn’t match who you are, which led to a disconnect and anxiety. Every taunt (and children do far too much taunting) became spiraling concerns and reinforced your anxieties. Notice too that while you mention that you have typical male desires for marriage, sex, and children you express them in ways to minimize them.
God doesn’t make anyone a homosexual or a doer of any other sin. “Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God”; for God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone” (James 1:13). James goes on to explain that we end up tempting ourselves by letting our desires get out of control (James 1:14-16).
Your claim that this issue of homosexuality is what is holding you to God is not an honest one. It might be your fear, but you are warping your natural desire to serve the Creator into an excuse to give credence to your lust. We serve God because His laws make our lives better and easier. “For this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments; and His commandments are not burdensome” (I John 5:3). Of course, following Christ leads the follower to eternal life (John 3:16) — so why are you making that into a detriment?
Thus, let us go back to the root sin. You’ve been watching people sin and getting sexual thrills from it. Have you stopped? “For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God” (I Thessalonians 4:3-5).
Question:
Hello Mr. Hamilton,
It has been 9 weeks since I stopped watching pornography.
Answer:
Excellent! And are you noticing a difference?
Question:
Yes, I am. I have less anxiety and my confidence seems to be better. However, I still struggle with lust and fantasizing.
Answer:
When you realize your thoughts are going in the wrong direction, you will need to learn to distract yourself with things that are not sexual. Temptations will always be there. That is something you can’t control because Satan can’t be controlled. But you can control your response to temptation. You have had a long practice of indulging the temptations by dwelling on them. You need to work on rejecting temptations. Bad habits are not broken overnight, but they are changed with persistence.