Last updated on September 13, 2020
Question:
Hi,
I ran across this website as I was looking up information about how bad having sex without being married really is! I’m 16, a Christian, and currently a junior in high school. As I’m sure you already know, high school is full of peer pressure and distractions such as drugs, sex, and alcohol. But I don’t take part in drugs or alcohol. I’ve never smoked nor have had a drink. But the one big distraction is sex. I was introduced to sex during my freshman year of high school. Not that I didn’t know about it, I just wasn’t interested in having it. Ever since I got a girlfriend as a freshman in high school (we’re still together now) sex has been in the relationship. I sometimes wonder how we would be if she never tried to have sex with me. But to sum everything up: how bad is having sex before marriage? (I think it’s called fornication) Will God forgive me? I always feel horrible after doing it when I know I shouldn’t have. And my last question is how can I stop?! I honestly want to stop and to be focused on the right things! I have college to be focusing on!
Thanks in advance!
Answer:
Clearly you must have some inkling that it was wrong; otherwise, you wouldn’t have been looking up information on why it was wrong. And you mention that you know you shouldn’t be having sex.
Having sex without marriage is the word porneia in the original Greek of the New Testament. It is translated as fornication, but many of the newer translations use “sexual immorality” or just plain “immorality” because the translators think “fornication” is too old of a word and not often used. Unfortunately, “sexual immorality” and “immorality” are too vague. They don’t capture the meaning of the word well. For a list of sexual terms in the Bible and their meaning, see Notes on Sex.
So understanding the meaning whether it was bad. In this, we’ll let God answer the question:
“Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God” (I Corinthians 6:9-10).
“Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge” (Hebrews 13:4).
The word “bed” in Hebrews 13:4 is translating the Greek word koite. It literally means “bed” and it is where we get our English word “cot” from, but the Greeks used the word the same we say “Jack was sleeping was Jane.” You know that Jack and Jane were having sex. By the way, we get our word “coitus” from this same word. “Coitus” is the act of a guy putting his penis in a gal’s vagina.
Now, this should lead to the question of why God said it is wrong. God doesn’t make arbitrary rules. The laws He gives are there to make life better. Therefore, there are things about having sex without marriage that makes life worse. For an answer see:
You realize that each time you have sex, there is a chance that a child will be conceived. No “safe sex” practice is 100% perfect. So, I have a question for you: are you willing to be a father at 16? What do you think having a child will do to your plans and the rest of your life?
All sins are forgivable if you change your mind about sinning and change your behavior to stop sinning. “For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter” (II Corinthians 7:10-11). Remember that passage from I Corinthians 6:9-10? Right after saying that sin keeps a person out of heaven, Paul said, “And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God” (I Corinthians 6:11). There were former fornicators among the members of the church at Corinth, but they changed by becoming obedient to God. God wants to forgive everyone. “The Lord is not slack concerning His promise, as some count slackness, but is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance” (II Peter 3:9). The problem for whether a person is forgiven is not on God’s part but man’s — will a person give up his sin so as to be saved?
Isn’t it sad that your relationship with her is defined by sex? You state that you don’t know if it could exist without sex. Sex is fun, but it certainly isn’t the foundation of a good relationship. If all you have is sex holding you two together, the relationship won’t last long.
In one way, stopping is easy — keep your clothes on. You have to engage in sex, it doesn’t just happen. Now, I know, easier said than done. You have years of bad habits and a body dying to ejaculate. The first step is that your girlfriend is going to have to agree about stopping. You won’t make it if she is reaching into your pants all the time. If she won’t agree, then you have to figure out who you love more God or this girl’s offer of sex.
Assuming you both agree, then the rules are that you don’t start things you can’t legitimately finish. No touching each other’s private areas. No stroking skin to get you sexually aroused. No long passionate kisses that leave you out of your mind. You have to start treating each other with respect and not as sexual objects. “Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman” (I Corinthians 7:1).
With that comes not talking dirty or showing nude or semi-nude pictures to each other. “But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints; neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. For this you know, that no fornicator, unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not be partakers with them” (Ephesians 5:3-7). You don’t stay pure by sexually arousing the other person.