Last updated on June 15, 2022
Question:
Greetings in the name of Jesus,
I am age 22. I am a Christian. I am having a mental debate over whether to lose my virginity or not because the urge is too much now. Is it wrong to have sex before marriage? Does sex before marriage mean that I won’t be able to build a happy Christian family? I am scared it will rob me of my blessings and the plans God has for me.
Answer:
I am wondering whether you read your Bible as a Christian should. “Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil. So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is” (Ephesians 5:15-17).
The Greek word porneia appears 25 times in the New Testament and is always used in condemnation. The word is typically translated into English as fornication, sexual immorality, or sometimes just immorality. The word refers to having sex with another person outside of marriage.
Having sex before marriage means you have sinned against God. Like any other unrepented sin, it will keep you out of heaven. Like any other sin, God labels it sinful because it comes with dangers.
In warning against morally loose women, Solomon warns: “For her house sinks down to death and her tracks lead to the dead; none who go to her return again, nor do they reach the paths of life” (Proverbs 2:18-19). He isn’t saying that it is impossible to return, but that it is unlikely for you to return to righteous living. Sex is addictive so a guy who justifies fornication to himself is likely to do so repeatedly.
“For the lips of an adulteress drip honey and smoother than oil is her speech; but in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword. Her feet go down to death, her steps take hold of Sheol. She does not ponder the path of life; her ways are unstable, she does not know it.
“Now then, my sons, listen to me and do not depart from the words of my mouth. Keep your way far from her And do not go near the door of her house, or you will give your vigor to others and your years to the cruel one; and strangers will be filled with your strength and your hard-earned goods will go to the house of an alien; and you groan at your final end, when your flesh and your body are consumed; and you say, ‘How I have hated instruction! And my heart spurned reproof! “I have not listened to the voice of my teachers, Nor inclined my ear to my instructors! I was almost in utter ruin In the midst of the assembly and congregation.’
“Drink water from your own cistern and fresh water from your own well. Should your springs be dispersed abroad, streams of water in the streets? Let them be yours alone and not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; be exhilarated always with her love.
“For why should you, my son, be exhilarated with an adulteress and embrace the bosom of a foreigner? For the ways of a man are before the eyes of the LORD, and He watches all his paths. His own iniquities will capture the wicked, and he will be held with the cords of his sin. He will die for lack of instruction, and in the greatness of his folly he will go astray” (Proverbs 5:3-23).
Look Where the Offer Leads
Proverbs 5:3-6
The seductress is portrayed as an immoral woman. The word used is for a stranger who practices different customs (example: Job 19:15) – in this case, practices that are against God’s Law. Many translations render the word as an adulteress because sexual seduction is what Solomon is describing. However, the advice is not limited to just fornication or adultery, it applies to seduction into any form of immorality. Nor is a seducer limited to women.
The prime weapon of the seductress is her words. They sound sweet to the ear. They flow by smoothly. You get caught up in the words, focus on the moment, and forget to see where things lead. Therefore, the primary defense against seduction is to think about the end results.
Solomon warns that immorality leads to bitterness. Bitterness is a caustic attitude toward life or other people. Wormwood is a shrub whose oil is used as a topical antiseptic, but it is extremely bitter in taste.
Immorality is also as sharp as a two-edged sword. A two-edged sword is a dangerous weapon in battle because the wielder can cut in both directions of his swing. But it is also dangerous to the one using the sword because it can just as easily cut the wielder as he winds up for a blow. Thus sexual immorality is not only generally dangerous, but it can hurt the person who thinks he is in control of the situation.
Ultimately her way is the way of death – both physical and spiritual. Even the seductress doesn’t understand where she is heading, she doesn’t even think about it. Because her direction through life is unstable, she doesn’t see where she is heading.
Stay Away
Proverbs 5:7-8
Even knowing where things will ultimately lead, there are always some who think they can come close without actually getting caught in the trap. Hence, Solomon again urges his readers to listen and do as he instructs. It would be foolish to follow someone who doesn’t know where they are going. Far better is to stay as far from them as possible, just as you would the path of wickedness (Proverbs 4:15).
The Consequences of Fornication
Proverbs 5:9-10
People who don’t listen to Solomon’s warning to stay away will eventually get caught up in fornication. Fornication involves a lot of waste that you might not notice until it is too late.
You will end up giving your honor to others. The Hebrew word is hodh, which refers to a person’s splendor, majesty, vitality, glory, or honor. People respect a man who has self-control. Fornication is rightly seen as a selfish act, which lowers the reputation of the fornicator in the eyes of others.
You give your years to the cruel one. Years that could have been filled with joy and productivity are lost. Instead, you waste your time with people who don’t love you or care about you. Satan holds you ensnared for longer than you realize was possible.
Your strength and efforts go to foreigners. The Hebrew word koach refers to a person’s strength, power, fitness, or virility. Many translations render this word as “wealth,” the result of a person’s hard work. Prostitutes, of course, demand payment. Hard-earned money is lost for mere moments of pleasure that gains you nothing. Even in the case of adultery or fornication, there are demands for gifts and money – nothing is truly for free.
Avoid Having Reasons to Regret
Proverbs 5:11-14
You mourn over the destruction of your body. Promiscuous sex is almost always accompanied by sexually transmitted diseases, many of which even today we have no cures. How sad to realize that the moments of pleasure were not worth it after the consequences are irreversible.
Those who refused to learn, especially from their mistakes, are the ones who fall into the trap of seduction. A lack of knowledge makes you gullible to cons. What becomes particularly maddening is to realize after the fact that you had the resources to avoid the trap but did not make use of them. Instead, you refused to listen to those trying to teach you and warn you.
The man here finds himself on the edge of total ruin while in the midst of God’s people. Help was on every side; yet, help was not sought out. Now his sins become a public spectacle.
Yet the situation is not completely without hope. Though ruined, it is not a total loss because the person is still alive. “But for him who is joined to all the living there is hope, for a living dog is better than a dead lion” (Ecclesiastes 9:4).
The Reasonableness of Sex Only in Marriage
Proverbs 5:15-20
A parallel is made between thirst and the desire for sex. Before the advent of municipal water supplies, and still true where such does not exist today, where would be the best place to get a drink of water? The clear answer is from the water at your own home because that is the water you are accustomed to drinking. You know that water is safe.
If you have a trusted source for water, it makes no sense to throw that clean water out into the streets. Back in those days they did not have closed sewer systems. When you were finished washing the dishes, you opened the window and tossed the water out into the street where it would flow into the gutter and then out of town. Finished washing the kids? The bathwater would go to the same place. Now if you were really thirsty, would you take your glass out to the gutter to get a fresh cup of sewer water? Of course not! The very idea should make you squirm and think, “How disgusting!” You have no idea what is in that water or where it has been.
Thus, Solomon asks,”Should your streams be dispersed abroad?” “Your streams” is referring to your semen. In other words, he is asking should you be ejaculating into every person you can find?
For the same reason, sex belongs in marriage, exclusively between a husband and his wife. Sex with your spouse is with someone you trust and you know it is safe. Having sex with anyone else ought to make you disgusted. You don’t know who else they have had sex with. You don’t know what germs they have been exposed to or are carrying. Instead, Solomon says, “Let your fountain be blessed.” A fountain is a source of water. Your fountain is your penis. It is blessed or finds happiness in your wife whom you trust.
In contrast, sex within marriage should be fun, exciting, and satisfying. Solomon describes finding satisfaction with the breasts of your wife, comparing them to a hind or a doe. These particular animals run in a bouncing fashion and so are compared to a wife’s jiggling breasts during sex. It simply does not make sense to find pleasure with someone you can never trust.
God Sees Everything
Proverbs 5:21
Sex is understandably a private matter. People who are involved in sexual sins go to great lengths to hide what they are doing from other people. Thus, they assume they have gotten away with sin if they believe no one else knows about their sin. But what is forgotten is that nothing is hidden from God (Jeremiah 16:17; Hosea 7:2). For the righteous, this is a source of comfort, but the wicked would rather forget that God is always present.
Men Are Caught by Their Own Sins and Foolishness
Proverbs 5:22-23
People who sin also forget that sins are wrong because there is innate harm in the action. People fool themselves into thinking they have gotten away with a sin when they believe nothing bad has resulted from their sin. Yet, eventually, something unforeseen happens: someone walks in and catches the adulterer or a pregnancy occurs, as happened to Judah and David.
What people also overlook is that the temptation to sin involves pleasure and chasing that pleasure can be addictive. People will typically tell themselves that they will only do it once or that they can stop at any time. However, those same people don’t stop. They are snared by the pleasure and they can always come up with a reason why it would be acceptable to continue for just a little while longer. They continue until it is too late: either they die because of their sins or their foolishness is revealed to everyone. Sin becomes the trap (Psalms 7:15; Jeremiah 2:19).
Seductive sins involve cycles. A person has a problem or desire. The sin appears to offer relief from the problem, but the relief is only temporary. Either the problem remains or it gets worse. Sometimes trying to stop the sin actually adds to the problem. Therefore, the person returns to the sin to get relief, only to find himself caught in a never-ending cycle.
Thus, if you find the need to ejaculate too strong, then relieve yourself, as you have been, with masturbation. But don’t get involved in pornography, which makes fornication look attractive and increases your desire to ejaculate. If you badly want to have sex, then find yourself a wife. But having sex without marriage is just a ticket to a life filled with many problems.
Response:
Thanks so much, Mr. Hamilton for the word of God. Now I know it’s sin. There are too many feelings in me, but I pray that God keeps me away from fornication as I wait for my God-chosen wife. Pray for me too.
God bless you, servant of God.