Last updated on September 24, 2020
Lately, I am having psychological changes, and it is frightening me. Most of these changes are interfering with my spiritual life. I have less energy to do things. I don’t feel like doing normal things. For example: when I wake up, I am so mad at myself, I don’t want to do anything. I am afraid something bad or humiliating is going to happen today. I am just not excited about the things that I should be thankful for. I get so mad at other people easily. Sometimes I just want to give up on everything. I am also afraid of my own feelings, and I get jealous and envious so often. Then I feel so bad about myself that I think I am not worth anything. I know it is really really bad, but I just can’t stop getting jealous of someone for their intelligence or abilities. In the Bible, it says to not be jealous or envious because these lead to sin. I really do not know what to do.
Also, I am so afraid to go back to school. I feel like the grades are going to make me think less of who I am, and the students will see my jealousy. I am afraid I will feel so bad about myself. It is not that I do not give effort at school, but I think I give too much of myself into school, and when I see the fruits, they are not what I expected.
Thank you so much for your understanding, and your will to help me.
“He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but whoever walks wisely will be delivered” (Proverbs 28:26).
You are falling into the trap of letting your feelings run your life. Feelings should result from the things you do, but feelings should never decide what you will do. The problem is that what you feel at any moment in time isn’t accurate. “The heart is deceitful above all things, …” (Jeremiah 17:9).
What you are describing are classic symptoms of depression. The cure for it is to force yourself to do what you know is right, regardless of your feelings. You will soon find that your feelings will change because of what you are doing. You walk by wisdom and not by feelings. “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths” (Proverbs 3:5-6).
Courage is not being unafraid. Courage is doing what needs to be done despite your fears. See: The Courage to Overcome Fears. It sounds also that you are disappointed in yourself for not meeting your own expectations. You should look at the amount of effort you gave and say I did what I could. If your best effort gets you a “B” in a class, then that is what you get. I remember one of my favorite classes when I was getting my master’s degree was also the class I got my lowest grade in. I learned so much that it didn’t bother me that I didn’t ace that particular class. You need the same type of attitude.