Last updated on October 3, 2020
Question:
I have a problem that until now I have not found a concrete solution to it. It somehow has caused havoc in my life. I am unable to convince myself or assume that everything is working out fine with me.
I am a staunch Christian and I love God so much, but lately, I have begun to doubt whether I am still born again. I have been visiting your web site and your messages have been encouraging me a lot. I thank God for all your efforts.
I study in one of the universities in a town neighboring my hometown. While at home during the holidays I am always at the church serving at all costs: preaching, teaching, singing, evangelizing, and what have you. Missing church for me is like a dog failing to bark at least once in a night. But when I go back to school I become a totally different person in character and commitment. I put on a totally different image that at times I don’t believe it’s me.
The atrocity at hand is fornication with my girlfriend. But after we separated due to a problem I am about to share with you, I began to fornicate widely. I began to miss church consistently and stopped praying. I became like a pagan while on the outskirts of my home. But when I go home, I am able to play the good boy.
After I separated from my girlfriend I engaged in a quick relationship with another woman. I abused her and left after realizing I am not in love with her but in love with lust. My former girlfriend and I even fought and I was silent about the existence of that relationship. After that I began to find other women — that’s my latest practice. And still, I keep disturbing my ex-girlfriend on phone, asking her how she is faring. She cooperates and is still interested in our reunion, but I don’t want it.
The reason is that two years ago after I joined the university and after studying there for a trimester, I met this lady whom I admired. I asked whether she would be my fiancee. After some time she accepted and we started the journey together. We dated happily, but I can say the relationship turned me into this bad boy because that’s the channel that made it easy for me to start fornicating. I was encouraged by peer pressure to try and adopt this practice. I changed from the good boy who never knew what sex was before joining the university. It made it easier for me since I could exercise a lot of freedom since I was far away from the church, home, and the brothers we fellowship within the church.
After six months of our relationship, she became pregnant and we opted that she procure an abortion since it was an unwanted pregnancy. I felt so bad and wicked to have taken away life having in mind how we struggled to raise the cash to see it successful. That was the last option since I was not ready and able to take up responsibilities because I was still in school and more so to cover up shame from my parents and church where I was serving at the moment. I vowed the mistake would never be repeated.
After she healed, we continued with the relationship. It even grew stronger though the guilt was haunting us, but we prayed over it. After one of the holidays, I realized she was cheating on me and they even engaged in sexual relations. She confessed after she realized I knew everything. I forgave her but I developed hatred toward her for being unfaithful, and I lost trust in her.
Around middle year she came over to my place to be with me to get relief from stress after her parents had neglected to pay her college fees. Unfortunately in the process, we made unsafe love again assuming she was not in a position to become pregnant. She had miscalculated her safe days, which was unlike her. I remembered what happened nine months ago. She even agreed to have unprotected sex with me, though I had doubts. But I trusted her.
One month later, she told me that she had missed her periods. I became very shocked, regretful, annoyed, frustrated, and betrayed; but I just took it like a man, though I wondered why she never ensured certainty. I had decided never to make her pregnant again because I was not ready for any repercussions that come with it. But I never had any choice because the milk had already been spilled.
There was an unexpected moment where I had to think outside the box to overcome this dilemma — that is to continue loving and still keep the baby or leave. I still felt I was not ready, but the mess was all over. The good boy at home had messed again and was afraid to share this news with the church and at home. They would roast me alive, I would shatter my dreams to wed in a colorful way, gain honor before God and men again, and have a child outside wedlock.
Those were my biggest worries and still are. I had no choice other than to ask her to procure another abortion, so as to save the love, for I was not ready to become a dad at the tender age of 21, having in mind how careful I was. After all, it was her fault. I remember we argued a lot over this. She was for giving birth and I was against it, claiming that she was not ready to risk her health again. I also took it as a risk, but I never had any other choice. I was not ready for any responsibilities and shame, more so shuttering my dreams. This was the cause of our separation. She left my house and went to live at her home.
A few weeks later, she called me and asked me to forgive and love her again with the baby. But I refused. The only green light was to abort. She thought about it. Should she choose the baby or her fiancee, for they could not be contained under one roof? After consulting others and making up her mind, she decided to have an abortion because she loved me so much and never thought of losing me. Even after accepting to do it, there was not enough money to fund it. But she tried to raise the needed amount and on her third month of pregnancy, she managed. She told me that she was set to go on the next weekend for the process. On the same night when she was to go, I called and she told me it came out successfully apart from a few pains, bleeding, and abdominal pains she was healing from. But she promised she would be okay soon. I believed her and gave thanks to God for saving her life even though I knew we had wronged both God and humanity.
A few weeks later, I thought of checking on her by calling her. That’s when I got annoyed after she told me it was a lie. She never went but she was then ready to go, that she had enough money, and fully decided. I was angry because she had wasted time by keeping all that by herself, but I allowed her to go. After asking her how she was, she told me that the process never went on because the doctor denied having received any money from her. She left. I was very angry after suspecting that something somewhere was wrong like a tricky game was going on. I switched off and told her that it’s over since all along it seemed she had chosen to keep the baby rather than me.
She had shared this with her family who advised her to keep the baby. I left her and cut communication after realizing she deceived me. We remained silent for about five months. This month we have been talking again. After realizing that I still loved her and she is still the best, there is this barrier blocking me: the child she is about to give birth to since the time is due. She also loves me and wants me though she fears I can’t because I am not ready to take in the child.
So I am writing to receive assistance and guidance on what to do; I have backslid, initiated an abortion, dumped the mother of my child, slept with other girls I deceived and will not marry, committed sin while in the church and all that. Even if I will be forgiven, what will I do? I still find it difficult to accept the fact that I must take in the expected baby. How I will avoid and control the shame before my family, Sunday school students, friends, and church. My dream not to give birth outside wedlock, responsibilities. I am not working and remember I am not responsible for the pregnancy, it was her carelessness.
Please help. Thank you!
Answer:
It has been a long while since I’ve seen such an arrogant, selfish attitude portrayed by a boy who pretends to be a Christian.
You aren’t good because you follow Christ. You act good to impress your family and the people at your church. You like the respect you have. But when you are at university, you follow the crowd there. You wanted the respect of these worldly people so you join them in sin. “How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, nor stand in the path of sinners, nor sit in the seat of scoffers!” (Psalms 1:1). You live the life of an actor — a hypocrite.
You rushed into a relationship with a girl, promising to marry her … later. Then you felt justified in having sex with her. You thought you were being careful to keep your sin hidden by avoiding getting this girl pregnant. But, predictably, it eventually happened anyway. “Behold, you have sinned against the LORD, and be sure your sin will find you out” (Numbers 32:23). No one forced the pants off of you, you eagerly sought sex; yet, when you sired a child your only consideration was to hide your sin by killing the evidence. The child did no wrong, he was innocent; yet, he was conceived by parents who only saw him as an inconvenience. “There are six things which the LORD hates, yes, seven which are an abomination to Him: Haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that run rapidly to evil, a false witness who utters lies, and one who spreads strife among brothers” (Proverbs 6:16-19). Even if you could not get a job and support your child, he could have been adopted by someone who truly cared.
You got mad at your girlfriend for having sex with some other boy, but you had been committing the exact same sin with her. There was no marriage; yet, you thought you could sex without consequences. “Therefore you have no excuse, everyone of you who passes judgment, for in that which you judge another, you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things” (Romans 2:1). You then start having sex with multiple girls, telling them lies they wanted to hear so you could put your penis into them. Meanwhile, you continue to put on a show of being a Christian. “Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God” (I Corinthians 6:9-10). Now you are angry with your girlfriend because she won’t murder your second child. A child that you blame her for when you were responsible for your actions.
You can’t roll back time. The consequences you are facing all began back when you started lusting to have sex with a girl to whom you were not married. God hasn’t been with you while you were digging yourself deeper and deeper in sin. “Behold, the LORD’S hand is not so short that it cannot save; nor is His ear so dull that it cannot hear. But your iniquities have made a separation between you and your God, and your sins have hidden His face from you so that He does not hear. For your hands are defiled with blood and your fingers with iniquity; your lips have spoken falsehood, your tongue mutters wickedness” (Isaiah 59:1-3).
The first step is to admit what is obvious: you are personally responsible for this mess. Stop blaming everyone else for your own eager choices. “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (I John 1:9). It is past time for you to own up to the fact that you’ve been lost in sins for years.
At the same time, you need to change. “For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death. For behold what earnestness this very thing, this godly sorrow, has produced in you: what vindication of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what avenging of wrong! In everything you demonstrated yourselves to be innocent in the matter” (II Corinthians 7:10-11). No more lies, no more fornication, no more murders.
There are going to hardships. Whether you marry your child’s mother or not, you are responsible for his upbringing. Your family and people at your church are going to find out that you’ve been lying to them. Your reputation will catch up with you. “Wounds and disgrace he will find, and his reproach will not be blotted out” (Proverbs 6:33). From this low point, you will then need to begin rebuilding your life. Dreams may have to be put aside because the practical needs that resulted from your sins will have to be taken care of. It will be difficult and at times you will feel like giving up, but it is doable and the man you will become as a result will be amazing.