Last updated on August 14, 2022
Question:
Good evening,
I hope all is well. I’m nearly 20. I am an Orthodox Christian. I haven’t had intercourse — I’m saving that for marriage. However, I have had oral sex with about four girls. I know now the truth about sexual immorality. I was unaware of it before reading your writings. Western society is a failure in teaching morality. I’m figuring out the right decisions to make in life.
This isn’t directly about this specific girl, but she illustrates what I want to generally ask. She’s 21 and a Muslim. She has a horrible family influence and environment. Her older sister is completely corrupt. Her father is not raising his children properly. Her mother does not care anymore. Her older brother is not doing his brotherly responsibilities. She’s done anal sex twice, gave and received oral sex with apparently three guys, kissed over 15 guys (maybe more — women lie), and on top of all that she thinks her past is irrelevant and that she’s “changed”.
I asked her some questions. She won’t listen if her future man tells her not to go to bars/clubs/parties, remove “friends” she’s had sexual relations with, or remove male friends while being in a relationship. She does not understand the differences between men and women (house duties, gender roles, responsibilities, and expectations). She believes in many other western society’s feministic thoughts. She thinks it’s about “trust” but we know where that rabbit hole will take us if men allow women to do such things.
So far our online attraction is stemming heavily from our communication and actions with each other that’s related to “sex” (you know). Yes, I think she’s a good, funny, attractive, caring person but there are so many red flags.
Should I ever consider talking to someone with a sexual experience who apparently “left it in the past?” Should I speak to a proud Muslim and try to build toward marriage knowing all the issues in the future? She thinks it will work out with negotiation and acceptance of decisions of things. Should I even bother with someone who is a Christian and near me with a mentally or past history similar to hers?
Nowadays it’s so hard to find a pure woman who understands she’s a woman and knows what to do and not to do.
Answer:
As you know, I approach all questions from a pure Christian viewpoint. I don’t support the various denominations, though I’m aware of what they believe and teach. What wasn’t clear from your note is whether you want to live a life that is pleasing to God or whether you merely go along with some of the rules when they are convenient.
Like far too many people today, you were convinced that as long as you didn’t have intercourse, that other forms of sex were fine. I gather that you have since been convinced that these activities are wrong, but you indicate that you still get involved in sexting, which is basically live pornography. Consider that Jesus said, “but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). Are you not involved in lust and are committing fornication in your heart?
You are correct that this particular woman is draped in a red flag. I suspect that you keep wanting to compromise because she accepts you and she knows how to get you aroused. But put all of that aside for a moment. Convince me that this woman would make you a good wife and a wonderful mother to your children.
What I see is that you don’t agree about religion, so she will be teaching your children things that you would disagree with. She has already stated that she really doesn’t care about your thoughts on matters. If she wants to do something, you will just have to live with it. I can’t see her as being faithful to a marriage. Nor has she grown up with good role models. You haven’t mentioned it, but I would not be surprised that, while she wants no restrictions on her decisions, if she decides you need to change she will insist that you do so to please her.
I would like you to go through the lesson A Good Mate. Try to prove that the woman you are interested in displays good qualities in her character. Yes, society is getting deeply corrupt. It isn’t cured by compromising righteousness. It is cured but holding firm to God’s standards.
Question:
Hello Minister,
Yes, of course, I want to change. I already am after reading your writings and asking questions on a Christian help chat. I do accept the Lord Jesus as my Savior and repent as it is the only way to enter the kingdom of heaven (now I know this).
You’re completely right. I know she isn’t a good future wife. She said she would want her daughters to “explore” sexually and have experiences and let them make their own religious decisions. It’s disgusting. She’s completely stuck in her ways. She even said she doesn’t want to know or like anything regarding Christianity. I already know the cons. I would never pursue such a thing with a woman who possesses any of those traits.
So is it a sin not to speak to non-believers in the hopes of marriage or friendship? Is it wrong to speak to people with a sexual experience in the past? Yes, I know the thought of sex is just about enough, but people are clueless about it, just like I was, and valued intercourse as the highest high.
Yes, I know now to read the Bible and go to church. I haven’t done it in a long time, but I will soon implement it.
I feel I’ve now changed my awareness of it now and will put guidelines in place to avoid temptation. God keeps giving me milliseconds of joy every time I make morally good decisions.
Brother, it’s so hard to find somebody who is completely good to God. They just pick and choose. Even harder to find someone who will change, even in the church, there are sinners.
Answer:
I am glad you are making changes in your life and that you have goals to continue to become a better Christian. Yes, there are sinners everywhere, including in the church. But you decided to change. That means there are others who are changing as well.
It is not wrong to talk to sinners. It is because the righteous encourage people that people leave their sins. As Jesus said, “It is not those who are healthy who need a physician, but those who are sick” (Matthew 9:12). Talking is not the problem. The problem is when you allow yourself to be pulled from your goals of living righteously. Talking to a woman is not wrong, but having sexual conversations with a woman is wrong.
You have to be consistent in your choices. “But immorality or any impurity or greed must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints; and there must be no filthiness and silly talk, or coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. For this you know with certainty, that no immoral or impure person or covetous man, who is an idolater, has an inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God” (Ephesians 5:3-5). Since sexual sins are wrong, talking about sexual sins is also wrong, whether it is sexting or making sexual jokes.
It is not wrong to date a girl who has had a sexual past. After all, you have had a sexual past as well. The question is rather has the person left their sins. If they haven’t, then it is dangerous to continue dating such people because they will pull you back into the sins you thought you left.