Last updated on November 10, 2024
Question:
Hi minister,
This is, by far, my biggest issue.
Recently, I decided to cut my sister out of my life. I know—it sounds harsh. For the last few months, I’ve been observing the various things my sister did. I don’t even know where to start.
I guess I’ll start when I was 8. When I was young, my sister was always at my dad’s house; for clarity, I only went to my dad’s every other week. Back then, I was lost — not found. Being a stupid 8-year-old on the Internet, I decided to look up porn to watch. (This is where my sister comes in.) After months of browsing content I couldn’t comprehend, my dad confronted me about my search history. I lied and said it was a hacker, which my sister knew was untrue. She pressured me to tell her the truth. So I told her. I told her the things that she wanted to hear. In her attempt to help me, she tried to comfort me by telling me it was okay that I was gay.
I remember crying a lot that night. It was pretty enlightening to a young me who thought my family was against me. She decided to egg on the idea, making me believe my family was against me, and she subsequently decided that she was the only one I could talk to about it. For a long time, I believed it was okay. She was the one who taught me how to “be myself.”
One time, I remember I went to her, crying that I felt alone in the world. She said I would always have her in my heart, and she told me I only mattered. Another time, there was a massive drama, but it ended with me doubting her.
It wasn’t until I made a bomb threat that things changed. I decided to take life seriously, and I spent time looking for meaning. I knew Jesus was the way, so that was where I looked first—and thankfully, I did. There, I found loving people who taught me about God. It was so amazing that I could never describe the feeling I had when I went every Sunday, Wednesday, and Thursday. And baptism made it better. When I was baptized, I felt new and pure. At this time, my sister knew, so when I told her, she didn’t protest but instead shifted it to homosexuality. I replied that it was wrong. She went on to argue with me, so my faith became weak. It was sad that I lost my peace of mind that day because of the stress of being there. I felt so much pain, but it was okay, because the next few months I grew like never before.
A few months ago, when I told my dad that my sister felt manipulative, I showed him texts of her gaslighting my beliefs. He was furious, but she was already out of the house then. He didn’t break it to her, as he admitted her manipulative tendencies. His daughter, my sister, was gaslighting me, saying that she knew me better than I knew myself. How awful up was that?
After that, I went, and today, I argued with her, resulting in me spilling the tea. She denied it, trying to say he never did it. She knew. She then wanted to say I was, “projecting on her” when I wasn’t. This was to the point of the question; as the conversation got heated, I finally just said in the text, “Get out of my life,” to which I apologized for being harsh and sent her a poem I made about her.
She won’t respond.
Did I cut her off wrongly, or am I entirely in the wrong? Was saying, “Get out of my life,” wrong?
Answer:
Over the years, I’ve noticed that people tend to complain about other people doing the very things that they are doing. “Therefore you have no excuse, everyone of you who passes judgment, for in that which you judge another, you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things” (Romans 2:1).
I don’t know your sister, and I don’t know all that has been going on, but if I were to guess, I would assume that your sister was involved in homosexuality, which she kept hidden from everyone. When she found out that you were looking at homosexual pornography, she saw it as justification for her behavior. Since it made her feel better about herself, she didn’t want anyone talking you out of it. That is why she wanted you to keep it hidden and pushed to convince you that you were a homosexual. It is also why she told you that everyone was against you (except her). It kept you isolated and fed her ego that you turned to her for help.
I’m so glad to hear that you became a part of a church and were baptized into Christ! Yes, your sister tried to undermine your budding faith because it was an indirect condemnation of her life (though you didn’t know it). It made her feel weaker because you are growing and no longer depend on her. Her influence over you is unhealthy. You were right to end it. It doesn’t mean you can’t talk to her, but I would suggest no longer sharing personal information with her. Find better people to confide in. When she turns the conversation to support sin, state that what she is advocating is wrong and then leave. You don’t have to argue with her or convince her that you are right. You merely need to state your stand and then walk away because you can think for yourself.
It helps, too, if you learn your Bible well enough to mention the passage that supports your position. Such as, “God said that those who are involved in sexual sins will not make it to heaven in I Corinthians 6:9-10.” In this way, she is arguing with God. You are just the messenger.
Old habits are hard to break. If you find yourself letting her manipulate you, minimizing communication for a while will help. In other words, I think you did the right thing.