Last updated on October 6, 2020
I’ve been reading this site for a few years now and I’ve found some great content on it pertaining to many of my situations. There has been one thing I’ve been struggling with for about two years now, which I thought would never happen. Over the past two years, I found myself looking at inappropriate photos and videos of men online and, regretfully, enjoying them. I’ve said countless amounts of times that I’ll stop and this will be the last time I do it, but I just keep going back to it. I truly feel awful about it afterward. I’ve made notes to myself, prayed, etc. but I’m just not sure what to do. Before today, the last time I looked at these images was three weeks ago, and I was super proud I lasted that long, but for some reason, I caved into my temptation. It’s gotten to a point where it seems so normal that it’s getting more difficult to ejaculate without looking at these images first, which is what I fear.
This may sound cliche, but while I find pleasure in looking at those images and videos, I can’t ever see myself going through with any sexual activity with another man. I strongly desire dating girls and have absolutely no intention of dating a guy; in fact, I find the thought quite repulsive. That’s why I’m confused as to why I’m attracted to them online but not in real life (not complaining, just confused).
I think a big problem is that I don’t have a lot to do with my day, so instead of just using my phone or watching TV, I resort to that. The biggest temptation happens is right when I wake up in the morning and I have nothing to do that day. It feels as if I have an alter ego. One that turns on in the morning when I get up and it all disappears when I do something productive. But it still concerns me that it exists at all.
Any help you can give me would be greatly appreciated.
The nature of sin is to be progressive and that is what you are observing in yourself. The simple answer is that despite what you feel, the Lord’s commands come first. Since pornography is a sin (I Thessalonians 4:3-5), that has to stop. Since homosexuality is wrong (Romans 1:26-27), filling your mind with images of homosexuality is also wrong.
But you’ve hit on the key point: you have too much idle time. The solution is to find productive things to do with your time. I don’t know how old you are or what you like to do. Idleness means you don’t have a particular goal in mind and thus you can be easily distracted. A warning is given about supporting young widows from the church’s funds because leaves the woman with little to do. “And besides they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house, and not only idle but also gossips and busybodies, saying things which they ought not” (I Timothy 5:13). For this same cause, all Christians are commanded to work. “For even when we were with you, we commanded you this: If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat. For we hear that there are some who walk among you in a disorderly manner, not working at all, but are busybodies. Now those who are such we command and exhort through our Lord Jesus Christ that they work in quietness and eat their own bread” (II Thessalonians 3:10-12).
Therefore, instead of using your phone for entertainment, use it as a tool to accomplish things. If you are dying to pull down your pants, then put the phone away and take care of your need. When you are done, find something useful to do.