Last updated on August 5, 2022
Question:
Good day,
First I want to thank you for the site. It has provided me with a lot of useful information. I would like to share with you my struggle and ask you for advice. I hesitated for a long time because I thought that it will get better on its own (why see at bottom) or that I will overcome it on my own at some point.
I have this problem: Most of the time I manage to keep sexual tension under control. Regular masturbation helps me a lot since I am single. But roughly once per month, this cycle gets somehow broken. It happens like this: I get an erection and my mind starts slowly moving toward thoughts with sexual content (or it can be also opposite first thoughts and then erection; often it happens in the morning when I wake with one regardless that I ejaculated the day before or even few days in a row daily (usually I ejaculate once per two or three days). Sometimes (when I have the computer turned on) I slip over to inappropriate material, but usually not to “classical” pornography, but to some posts on sexual stuff, but yes, it is still pornography. Since it happens “only” once per month I am not addicted to it, but it is against my belief since Christian teaching has zero tolerance for it.
Normally, when sexual tension exceeds a certain limit, I almost immediately (if it is possible) go to the bathroom and relieve myself there. But at this time I postpone my relief. There are reasons: First, to think these thoughts are pleasurable. I see it in some way more pleasurable than masturbating, so it is very difficult to resist. Even if I manage to try to focus on another business, my mind tends to wander from that back to sexual subjects, which causes me to stay aroused. The other thing is I tell myself “recently you have ejaculated enough, you can’t masturbate every time you get these thoughts, you need to overcome them.” I actually do not know whether I am serious about it in my heart or I use it as an excuse to justify the act of staying in my thoughts. The biggest problem is this conflict: when I am not in an aroused state and rational, I do not want to repeat this sin again, but when my sexual desire gets strong I actually do not want to stop thinking this way.
My question is what do I need to do? Should I force myself to masturbate more frequently at these times? It also looks like I need a renewed heart, so I am consistent in what I want in the long run no matter what I feel to be able to stop my thoughts at the beginning without further increasing the tension by sexual thoughts. However, what is the way to get there?
Also, I want to ask another question: I thought that it will get better after finishing puberty. It has been very easy to get me aroused and it still is. Also, I have not finished physical development yet. Of course, being in my twenties, I look like a male, but I do not have all male characteristics fully developed. I am getting chest hair and my facial hair keeps spreading to new areas – now at the bottom area of my neck and on the cheeks. So it is possible that I still have higher-level of sexual hormones than most other adult males? Can I expect my sex drive to decrease a little bit after finishing these changes?
Thank you.
Answer:
At puberty, your sexual hormones rise rapidly and remain relatively high during the years that you change. In reality, the levels fluctuate widely during adolescence, but the overall trend is that they are rising. Once you reach stage 5, the fluctuations become less frequent, but they still are there through your 20s and 30s. As you age, the average testosterone level gradually decreases.
In other words, you’ll have to deal with your sex drive for the rest of your life.
It is interesting that you believe you are not addicted to pornography because you only view it once a month or so. Would you say the same to a man who only gets drunk once a month? It isn’t the frequency but that you allow it to control your decisions.
The struggle you are having is well described by Paul in Romans 7:14-23. Paul talks about two warring desires within him: the desires of his physical body and the desires of his mind to serve God. Even though he may fail at times, Paul doesn’t give up on serving God.
One of the problems you are having is thinking that this can be conquered by sheer willpower. When it comes to sexual matters, you can never trust yourself, especially when you are aroused. Guys don’t make good choices when aroused. “Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall” (I Corinthians 10:12).
It might benefit you to get one of the pornography monitoring software that is out on the market, such as CovenantEyes or EverAccountable. Have some trusted Christians receive reports on your activity. Knowing that someone will know what you did and ask you about adds incentive to choose another path. “Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much” (James 5:16).