Why do I have the building desire to be with a woman?

Last updated on September 24, 2020


Dear Mr. Jeff,

Good day to you. I have few questions about marriage.

  1. Is it normal for a man to have certain desires for the girl to be his wife?
  2. What’s normal to have as a desire about the girl who’s going to be your wife, and when is it that it starts going beyond normal?
  3. Is it normal that I tend to prefer a thin girl to be my wife?
  4. I came across a girl with wonderful faith and heart that I’ve never seen before, but I couldn’t take it forward because she was a chubby girl. Is that normal? Is she from God to me? Would God provide a man with a girl who isn’t what he desires?
  5. My desire for a girl is that she be thin, beautiful (I came across many beautiful girls, but I have a certain type in mind), one who really needs a man, a soft girl. What things go beyond normal and it just becomes an image that God never created.
  6. Are we as single men supposed to go around searching for single girls or God would supply for us?
  7. I had a dream that seemed so much from God where He was telling me about a certain girl to be my wife, I knew that I knew that the dream was from God. I knew, however, through friends that what she looks for as a husband is much more different than me. What is this exactly? Could the dream not be from God? Is it that God has suggested her, but He wouldn’t control her freedom of choice?
  8. The desire for marriage is growing more and more in my heart. Is that normal? Is it that God is preparing a lady for me and me for her, and that’s why these passions are growing? Yet I haven’t come across any girl whom I felt that I am in love with yet.

Can I have your wisdom and insight on more about the topic.

Thank you for your help. Blessings.


Some of your questions are too vague for me to answer well. “Certain desires” can mean a host of different things.

It is normal for young men to want to get married. And often young men set standards that are based on physical attributes. “Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised” (Proverbs 31:30). Physical attributes don’t last. You are likely going to lose your hair, get flabby and wrinkled. Your wife is going to lose her shape, especially after having your children, and her hair is going to go grey. If you focus on the physical attributes, you are likely to be disappointed.

God doesn’t provide wives or husbands — not in a direct sense. He instructed both men and women what to look for in prospective mates, things that are lasting character attributes. People act as if messages from God are common everyday events, but what we learn from the Bible is that God interacted with the world on relatively rare occasions. We forget that the Bible condenses about four thousand years of history, recording only the highlights. God, Himself, stated that He no longer uses direct means to communicate with His people. “God, who at various times and in various ways spoke in time past to the fathers by the prophets, has in these last days spoken to us by His Son, whom He has appointed heir of all things, through whom also He made the worlds” (Hebrews 1:1-2).

This doesn’t mean that God doesn’t answer prayers. He works on behalf of the believers. He might arrange for you to meet someone suitable to be your wife, but whether you two decide to marry or not is up to you.

Because you decided to restrict your search to arbitrary physical features, it is likely that you have passed up many excellent women.

You aren’t looking for a trophy. You aren’t looking for someone just to tumble around with in bed. The primary reason we get married is that we are lonesome. “And the LORD God said, “‘t is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him’” (Genesis 2:18). You are looking for someone who will be your best friend for the rest of your life. “Live joyfully with the wife whom you love all the days of your vain life which He has given you under the sun, all your days of vanity; for that is your portion in life, and in the labor which you perform under the sun” (Ecclesiastes 9:9). Thus, the first step in finding a wife is to get to know various women as people and to look for a woman whom you enjoy being with as a friend and whom you want to share your life with. In describing her husband, the heroine in Song of Solomon stated a long list of physical attributes, but in the end, she states what is most important to her: “His mouth is most sweet, yes, he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved, and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem!” (Song of Solomon 5:16).

You love someone you care about. Love creates feelings, but love isn’t a feeling. Read through I Corinthians 13:4-8 and notice that it doesn’t talk about feelings or desires. It talks about how a person chooses to treat the other person — that is love!