Why do I pay attention to the appearance and behaviors of men?

Last updated on October 5, 2020


Dear Mr. Hamilton,

I’ve been doing pretty well since the last time I wrote to you. I stopped watching pornorgraphy, masturbate 1-2 times a week and I am more confident than I used to be.

However, there are now two questions that confuse me.

Firstly, since the day before yesterday, I want to masturbate all the time when I am at home. I masturbated twice yesterday; however, I still have the urge to masturbate now. I know I shouldn’t masturbate every day, but I don’t know how to get away from this intense feeling.

Secondly, there’s a question that has bothered me for a long time. I feel like my reaction to boys and girls is different from my friend. My friend can always find a woman attractive to him and he will search for beautiful girls when we are on the street. However, I don’t have that strong feeling for girls. Instead, I sometimes search for the man that I want to be with respect to their figure or behavior. I’m now working. Everyone is very nice to me. I find myself paying special attention to men. I would pay attention to their appearance and behavior that I think is masculine. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I attribute it to the fact that I don’t have brothers or even close male cousins in my family, and I didn’t play very well with boys when I was young.

Would you please give me some advice to improve myself or at least be normal like other guys?

Thank you very much.


I’m glad to hear that you are making progress. Because you are still young, your hormones are not settled yet. There will be occasions where your semen production will jump for a period of time and twice a week won’t be enough to keep up with your production. It is fine during those times to ejaculate more often. It should slow back down in a week or two.

However, be careful that you aren’t using masturbation as something to entertain yourself when you are bored. If the urge to masturbate is coming strongly when you’re idle, the solution is to make more productive use of your time. Get involved in useful things, making things, repairing things, learning new skills, and the like.

Arousal is a complex operation. It is a mixture of both your physical desire and your mental thoughts. Physically, the male body has a strong desire to ejaculate. It really doesn’t care how that comes about. It is your thoughts that reign in those impulses, otherwise teenage boys would be acting like young dogs — humping everything in sight. What you observed is you training yourself in the wrong way. But such thinking can be reversed.

What you are experiencing is a phase that used to be called “hero worship.” It is what boys go through to learn how to act like other males. But since you don’t have a close male to latch onto, you have generalized it to the male body. But also notice that you are doing much the same as your friend who searches out girls to look at — you are fixating on the physical form and ignoring the person. Your friend will end up getting into fornication because he sees girls like things to have sex with. If you aren’t careful, you can follow a similar path but end up committing homosexual acts.

It is here where you need to use your mind. Yes, your body reacts to things you find attractive, but it doesn’t mean it is proper or right. Focus instead on the fact that you are looking forward to one day getting married and having children. When you are dealing with other men, enjoy their company, learn about them as people, but don’t let yourself see them as sex objects. People deserve respect.

Gradually you will find that your body will follow your decisions.