Last updated on September 28, 2020
Hi Mr. Jeff Hamilton,
I’d like to know if my sexual fantasies are normal. I dream of having sex with much older women (some of my attractive teachers, some of my friends’ mothers, actresses). I’m only 15. I took your Tanner Stage test and apparently I’m in stage 4. Is it normal to have these thoughts? Oh, and by the way, I’m a virgin and plan on keeping it like that until marriage.
Something weird has been going on lately. I’ve had the urge to have sex a lot these past few days. I’m not sure why. These urges come out of nowhere. I know I’m not ready, I’m only 15 years old, but my urges are very uncontrollable. I can control myself usually, but if I were in a situation where I had the opportunity to lose my virginity, and I was having urges, I feel like I would lose it. Is this normal in guys my age?
I might be off, but I would guess that you are in the group of boys who didn’t gain the ability to ejaculate until they reached stage 4. Boys are able to ejaculate starting somewhere between stage 2 and stage 4.
What you are feeling is your seminal vesicles getting full. As they get full, you feel a strong desire for sex. After you have an ejaculation, the desire decreases for a while until the seminal vesicles refill. For teenage boys, it doesn’t take long for the seminal vesicles to fill up.
What you are also experiencing is temptation. “Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am tempted by God”; for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone. But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death” (James 1:13-15). Satan is using your own desires to tempt you with the idea of committing fornication.
It sounds like you are moving to the edge of lusting after sin. Lust is when you want something so badly that you are coming up with excuses in your head as to why you might do it, at least in some circumstances. “But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). While lust and adultery are two different sins, they are both equally wrong. Another problem is that lust wears down your defenses against sin. “For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lewdness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within and defile a man” (Mark 7:21-23).
Are such fantasies and lusts “normal”? If you mean by normal that lots of boys experience them, then yes, it is normal, but then sin is normal for people in the world (Matthew 7:13-14). But if you mean whether these fantasies and lusts are right, then no, these are not the normal way Christians ought to think.
I don’t know if by “dreams” you are referring to sleeping dreams or daydreams. Daydreams you have control over. Dreams at night you can’t control. When your seminal vesicles get full, your sexual desires rise and this triggers erotic dreams. The end result of these dreams is ejaculating in your sleep, which is known as a wet dream. You can’t directly control your wet dreams. All you can do is not indulge in such fantasies when you are awake.
I’ve also realized that I get annoyed much quicker than I used to. Is that because of puberty as well?
I’d also like to know if receiving and giving oral sex is normal or fine because a lot of friends indulge themselves in such activities at my age. I’m curious as to how it feels, but I won’t do it if it’s wrong. To me, it seems normal.
During adolescence, your hormones fluctuate. It is the changing of your hormone levels that causes your emotions to be amplified. Mood swings are present throughout adolescence because your hormone levels are changing, but generally, your moods are worse during stages three and four. Development is not an excuse for losing control over your moods, but it helps to realize that there is a cause because you can work at keeping yourself calm.
Oral sex is a form of sex, but it is still sex. In the New Testament, the Greek word pornia, refers to any sexual activity outside the bonds of marriage. It is translated as “fornication,” “sexual immorality,” or sometimes just plain “immorality,” but however it is translated, it still means the same thing. Paul states very plainly, “Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God” (I Corinthians 6:9-10). Look at this again. Paul states that fornication is unrighteous and those committing fornication will not go to heaven (inherit the kingdom of God).
When people want to justify a behavior that deep down inside themselves they know they shouldn’t do, they will redefine terms that cast their actions into a better light. I’ve noticed in recent years that people, young people especially, are making the definition of sex more specific so that what they are engaged in doesn’t fall under condemnation. Most people have at least heard that sex before marriage is sinful, so they state that foreplay (heavy petting) is not really sex. Surveys now show that many teenagers are convinced that oral sex is not really sex, even though the word appears in the phrase.
“Sex” are those actions that generally lead to orgasm and, for males, the release of semen. It does not have to be restricted to a man’s penis entering a woman’s vagina. Mutual masturbation (hand jobs), oral sex and anal sex are still acts of sex.
Oral sex has become popular among the unmarried because there is little chance for pregnancy and, therefore, little evidence that improper behavior was being done. (I should warn that pregnancy is not impossible when engaging in oral sex; however, for it to occur the semen released by the man must be physically moved to the woman’s vagina. The odds are low, but not impossible.) You might as well argue that intercourse is not really sex so long as a condom is being used — a foolish argument, indeed. Pregnancy or the chance of pregnancy does not define whether sex has taken place.
What most teenagers don’t understand is that oral sex does not decrease the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. Most of these diseases are spread by extended skin-to-skin contact and by the exchange of bodily fluids. Saliva does contain bacteria and viruses. A man with syphilis can put the bacteria in a woman’s vagina just as easily with his tongue as with his penis. Since the skin in the vagina and the skin on the penis is very thin and contains numerous blood vessels just below the surface, diseases are easily transmitted whenever the penis or the vagina is in contact with another person or another person’s bodily fluids. Oral sex can be just as dangerous as vaginal sex as far as the spread of disease is concerned. Thus the warning about adultery in Proverbs includes adultery committed by oral sex, “Whoever commits adultery with a woman lacks understanding; he who does so destroys his own soul. Wounds and dishonor he will get, and his reproach will not be wiped away” (Proverbs 6:22-23).
Under Old Testament law, uncovering a person’s nakedness was frequently used as a euphemism for engaging in sexual activity. For example, see Leviticus 18:6-19. I believe this more general “picture” is used because most sexual acts involve access to intimate areas of the body. The laws in Leviticus against incest are described as uncovering a person’s nakedness to emphasize that God doesn’t just mean a man inserting his penis into a woman’s vagina. Oral sex involves exposing the genitals to another person. It would be included as uncovering a person’s nakedness. “Thus says the Lord GOD: “Because your filthiness was poured out and your nakedness uncovered in your harlotry with your lovers …” (Ezekiel 16:36).
Finally, there is the matter of lust. Lust is generally defined as a strong desire, especially a strong desire for something that is sinful. Oral sex arouses all the passionate desire for sex, but sex with a person to whom you are not married is a sin. To strongly desire (to lust) for the body of a person you are not committed to in marriage is fornication or adultery. “But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). Jesus is saying that lusting to commit a sin is just as bad as actually doing the act. Speaking of the wickedness of false teachers, Peter states, “They are spots and blemishes, carousing in their own deceptions while they feast with you, having eyes full of adultery and that cannot cease from sin, enticing unstable souls” (II Peter 2:13-14). Oral sex easily matches this description. “Therefore God also gave them up to uncleanness, in the lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their bodies among themselves” (Romans 1:24).
Wow. This might sound stupid but judging from what you’ve said there does that mean that if someone does engage in activities such as oral sex, mutual masturbation, anal sex, etc. does that mean they’re not virgins anymore?
Also is it fine if a man has sex with the woman he knows he’s going to marry even though they’re not officially married yet?
A virgin is someone who has not had experience with sex. It is not limited to vaginal intercourse. Therefore, a person is not truly a virgin when they start participating in various forms of sex.
But it isn’t the status of “virgin” that is most important. It is that a person is not engaged in fornication. All of these acts are fornication. They are sinful and can keep you out of heaven if they are not repented of. “Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God” (I Corinthians 7:9-10). Virginity, once lost, cannot be regained; but fornication can be forgiven. “And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God” (I Corinthians 6:11).
The key point in your second question is that the man and woman are not married. There is no such thing as an unofficial marriage. Having sex when you are not married is fornication and it is a sin. “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge” (Hebrews 13:4). Intentions regarding the future don’t change the facts of today. This is an excuse to sin by having sex without being committed in marriage to the person you are having sex with.